Review of Pirates of the 20th Century

The Pirates of the XX Century is a romantic action-adventure thriller, which explores eternal themes of naval folklore: kung-fu and male bonding. According to many film critics of the time, it was the first but sadly not the last attempt of Soviet movie makers to convincingly portray complex philosophical dilemmas associated with kicking other human beings into the facial and reproductive areas. It does however manage to rate far above similarly themed American masterpieces, such as Rambo, Delta Force and Home Alone. The plot of the film focuses on a Soviet merchant marine vessel, which is attempting for the purposes of world peace to transport a cargo of narcotics into the Motherland. It is implied that the drugs are to be used by the Soviet government for noble and humane causes, such as perhaps to keep dissident scientists in prison "clinics" on their best behavior. However complications soon arise. This happens to the great surprise of Soviet viewers, who were fully expecting the vessel to complete its journey safely and uneventfully and end the film with a rousing speech at the local Party committee in the port of their destination. It is not to be so. The vessel is attacked by capitalist bandits who appear to have skills in forbidden and inhumane "karate" fighting and have facial features similar to those of the natives of Tajikistan. The Soviet audience is left to guess about what these "pirates" goals might be. They may or may not have something to do with the narcotics. This, however, becomes completely secondary when the vessel's radioman is dispatched by means of an axe, providing for a full-year's worth of arguments among Soviet schoolchildren on whether the actor was actually killed in that scene. (Red liquid was clearly visible in the shot, covering the unfortunate radio specialist's face.) The conflict of two completely different social systems and schools of judo follows. For some, completely unexplained, reason this happens near an island whose entire population consists solely of photogenic women of vaguely Uzbek appearance. As the suspiciously Tajik-looking "pirates" seize the vessel, a series of talks between them and the crew commences, though the purposes of this lengthy exchange are never quite clear. Apparently, the Soviet captain is trying to either appeal to the "pirates" better nature or to blackmail them with something. The Uzbek women, meanwhile, tell the crew the sad story of their occupation and enslavement by the "pirates". The crew listens in between short and purposeless skirmishes with the enemy, as more high kicks and grunts are displayed to the overwhelmed viewers. Eventually, perhaps growing tired of the strange script, the Soviet captain tries to escape, leaving the vessel and its precious cargo in the capitalist hands. This does not end successfully however as the "pirates" chase the crew's lifeboat down. Seeing that all the possible options have been exhausted, the captain decides on the last desperate measure: he orders a curly-haired engineer named Seryozha to take off his shirt and beat everyone up. Which Seryozha, right after chastely kissing a bespectacled female accountant on the cheek, duly does, utilizing the best of the Soviet SAMBO combat technique. Unsurprisingly, it also involves a fair amount of kicking. As all the "pirates" are lying around dying of shame, the film concludes with a happy ending. Except for the Uzbek women, whose fate remains a mystery. The moral however is quite clear: do not trust the evil Tajiks.