Firstly, this is NOT a zombie movie. It's not a movie about zombies. There are no zombies in this movie. I rented this thing because of a DVD cover that made me think it was a zombie flick. I was terribly deceived.
Secondly, remember the most awful zombie film you've ever seen. Rise of the Dead is even worse than that. I know that's an amazing thing to claim because the living dead genre has probably got the worst quality-to-crap ratio in all of cinema. The truly great zombie movies can be counted on the fingers of one hand and you can number the good ones before running out of toes. That leaves a legion or two of zombie films that range from mediocre to "I can't believe I'm watching this garbage". Rise of the Dead outstinks them all.
Thirdly, pretend that Rob Zombie had a brother who was an even less talented filmmaker. I know it's difficult to conceive of anyone THAT inept and horrid, especially if you've seen House of 1000 Corpses or Zombie's version of Halloween II, but bear with me. Now imagine Zombie's colossally clueless bro making a movie about teen pregnancy where the moral of the story isn't preaching abstinence or sexual responsibility, it's that babies are literally life-destroying monsters and the women who love them are crazy bitches. Essentially, Rise of the Dead is the world's worst Afterschool Special on the virtues and advantages of abortion.
The story, and I use the word "story" loosely, concerns a young woman named Laura (Erin Welk). Everywhere Laura goes, people start drooling and trying to kill her. Well, this one guy who chases her down the street appears to be auditioning for the new season of "So You Think You Can Dance?", but he may have been trying to Electric Boogaloo her to death.
After hearing a lot of bad dialog from a lot of bad actors on a lot of bad sets, we find out that the people trying to kill Laura are all connected to the baby boy she gave up for adoption as a teenager and that the only way for Laura to save herself is to indulge in some spiritual incest. I'm not going to explain what any of that means in any further detail because I already lost enough brain cells watching Rise of the Dead the first time. If I dwell on it any longer I'm afraid I'll lose the ability to clothe and feed myself.
This is yet another film made by people with no talent and very little money only because modern technology allows people with no talent and very little money to make movies. Rise of the Dead does have a couple of reasonably cute chicks who get naked and its atrociousness does reach the level of unintentional comedy a few times in its short, 72 minute run time. Those minuscule positives don't change the fact that this thing should never have been made and should never, ever, ever be watched.
Secondly, remember the most awful zombie film you've ever seen. Rise of the Dead is even worse than that. I know that's an amazing thing to claim because the living dead genre has probably got the worst quality-to-crap ratio in all of cinema. The truly great zombie movies can be counted on the fingers of one hand and you can number the good ones before running out of toes. That leaves a legion or two of zombie films that range from mediocre to "I can't believe I'm watching this garbage". Rise of the Dead outstinks them all.
Thirdly, pretend that Rob Zombie had a brother who was an even less talented filmmaker. I know it's difficult to conceive of anyone THAT inept and horrid, especially if you've seen House of 1000 Corpses or Zombie's version of Halloween II, but bear with me. Now imagine Zombie's colossally clueless bro making a movie about teen pregnancy where the moral of the story isn't preaching abstinence or sexual responsibility, it's that babies are literally life-destroying monsters and the women who love them are crazy bitches. Essentially, Rise of the Dead is the world's worst Afterschool Special on the virtues and advantages of abortion.
The story, and I use the word "story" loosely, concerns a young woman named Laura (Erin Welk). Everywhere Laura goes, people start drooling and trying to kill her. Well, this one guy who chases her down the street appears to be auditioning for the new season of "So You Think You Can Dance?", but he may have been trying to Electric Boogaloo her to death.
After hearing a lot of bad dialog from a lot of bad actors on a lot of bad sets, we find out that the people trying to kill Laura are all connected to the baby boy she gave up for adoption as a teenager and that the only way for Laura to save herself is to indulge in some spiritual incest. I'm not going to explain what any of that means in any further detail because I already lost enough brain cells watching Rise of the Dead the first time. If I dwell on it any longer I'm afraid I'll lose the ability to clothe and feed myself.
This is yet another film made by people with no talent and very little money only because modern technology allows people with no talent and very little money to make movies. Rise of the Dead does have a couple of reasonably cute chicks who get naked and its atrociousness does reach the level of unintentional comedy a few times in its short, 72 minute run time. Those minuscule positives don't change the fact that this thing should never have been made and should never, ever, ever be watched.
