Review of The Tortoise and the Hare

. . . during this phoned-in lackluster version of THE TORTOISE AND THE HARE. During the early going of this Battle of the Sexless, the terrapin sees himself passed by a herd of slowly slithering snails. However, when the race is on the line, he guzzles a can of Human Growth Hormone while popping a bottle of Steroid Pills. To encourage this sort of prohibited Substance Abuse, Disney then shows the hopped-up turtle putting additional inches on his legs faster than Barry Bonds went through bigger and bigger baseball helmets. Speaking of cheating, Disney also adds about five minutes of "padding" to the middle of this ho-hum affair showing the hare's main way to impress the ladies: by playing with himself! Rather than being judge, jury, and executioner, this show-off rodent offers himself as pitcher, catcher, and Aaron Judge on the ball diamond. If you think that this is fair, just ask yourself one question: How can he lose? Finally, the misguided Thumper makes hay in the tennis racket, risking nothing as he's again BOTH the Ying and the Yang. It's as if Siamese Twins are playing Twister!