- Officer Harry Truman Ioki: H.T. Ioki.
- Officer Doug Penhall: H for Harry, T for Truman. Guess what year his parents moved to the States?
- Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Yeah, and I'm named after a guy who dropped an atom bomb on my house.
- Officer Doug Penhall: [to Tom] You gotta turbo-charge the hair or something, Hanson. You look like Richie Cunningham.
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: [about Hoffs] Hey Jenk, you know I'm starting to like that lady. What's her deal?
- Captain Richard Jenko: Hey, don't sweat it man. You'd never make the wait.
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: Don't bet on it.
- [last lines]
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: [setting up his sax] Well, I figure maybe I can sit in with you guys for a set.
- Captain Richard Jenko: You? You're going to sit in with us? You?
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: Yeah, if you can keep up.
- Captain Richard Jenko: Say what? Hey, don't strain yourself bro.
- Captain Briody: He's got an undercover program. It's the Mayor's baby. Nobody on the force knows about this except Silver Shields and Up. It's called Jump Street Chapel. Now the reason it's called that is because this particular undercover unit works out at an old abandoned chapel on the corner of Jump Street and Sixth. Interested?
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: Not yet.
- Captain Briody: Every year the department takes younger looking officers. At least younger looking ones we think can handle the pressure. Teach them how to be teenagers again. Then we send them out to various high schools where we could use a good man undercover.
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: Kinda like Fast Times at Bust Ya Buddy High?
- Captain Briody: Kinda.
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: Yeah. No, thanks. Y'see, I hated high school the first, you know. Swimmin' in gym class without trunks, health films, not getting the girl you wanted because you're not wearing groovy enough shoes. And I don't think I'd get off cutting some kid for a spit ball at his chemistry teacher.
- Captain Briody: I've had eleven homicides in high schools since December.
- Noreen Weckerle: Mom, would you give me a break? I mean, come on, I got to hear this every ten seconds.
- Mrs. Weckerle: What's the difference? You only listen for one. Come on, Anorexia, dinner. REAL food, remember?
- Mrs. Weckerle: Prehistoric. Packs of fat around the old heart.
- [turns on rock music]
- Mr. Weckerle: Do we HAVE to listen to that?
- Mrs. Weckerle: She's YOUR daughter.
- Mr. Weckerle: Yes, but she listens to YOU.
- Mrs. Weckerle: Only for a second, the rest is just white noise.
- Suspect: [after a very physical bust, the suspect comments on the tussle with Hanson] Keep him away from me. I feel like a child molester.
- Charlie: Nice work, kid.
- Noreen Weckerle: [to Hanson] Hey, are you old enough to be a cop? You look just like that kid from 'Pretty In Pink'.
- Charlie: Yeah, but we don't let him wear pink anymore. Attracts attention.
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: This is Jump Street Chapel, right?
- Officer Doug Penhall: Only if you're Catholic. Ioki, here, thinks it's a Buddhist temple. Me? I think it's a synagogue. You know, my Mom's Jewish, which only means I get to celebrate both guilt and Hell.
- Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Yeah, you see, his father used to be a priest, so don't play bingo with this guy. He's a killer.
- Mr. Ritz: [to Tom] This is not a really impressive completion record, Bower. Seems like at Wilcox High you threw a lot of interceptions.
- Charlie: [after a car chase] Okay buster, get your hands were I can see them and freeze!
- Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Wait a minute, don't shoot! I'm a cop!
- Charlie: Says who?
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: Says me.
- Charlie: [to Tom Hanson] Hanson. I should have known. I didn't recognize you without the bandage on your partner's nose.
- Captain Richard Jenko: Like that sound?
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: Not really.
- Captain Richard Jenko: Me neither, PRAISE GOD HALLELUJAH! Maybe I'm saved! Been a deadhead since Woodstock!
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: I didn't go, I was only 5.
- Tyrell 'Waxer' Thompson: Get up! Get up! Stay quiet. Stay alive.
- Mr. Weckerle: Please do what he says. We'll do anything you want, just don't hurt anybody. What do you... What do you want?
- Tyrell 'Waxer' Thompson: Ask your little no colored crime boy, huh? You owe me six grand.
- Mrs. Weckerle: Kenny, do you know these boys?
- Kenny Weckerle: Ma, please! Look, guys, I'll get it, I'll...
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: Look, I went to the academy to go and patrol, to be a police officer like my... To enforce the law.
- Captain Briody: Tom, it's either this, or I assign you to a desk at progress centre until you look old enough to be a cop.
- Kenny Weckerle: Come on Waxer, leave me alone man.
- Tyrell 'Waxer' Thompson: [to Tom] You're gonna like it here boy. You're gonna like it a lot if you like dying.
- Captain Richard Jenko: [holding bag of chips] Breakfast?
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: No thanks, I'll grab an omelet.
- Captain Richard Jenko: Uh-uh. No you won't. When was the last time you saw a teenager have a cup of black coffee and an omelet for breakfast? Uh-uh, from now on it's potato chips, soda pop, French fries and pizza man! It's the Pepsi generation, sport!
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: Don't call me sport, okay?
- Captain Richard Jenko: Hey pard, I'm your boss, I'll call you anything I want, have a seat, sport.
- Captain Richard Jenko: While you were out in the field getting your butt kicked by all the bad grownups, me and my guys here were training to do some real battle. You see, the way I look at it, child is the father of man. I mean these bad grownups are coming from somewhere, they don't just hatch that way, that's why we're trying to yank them out while they're still in high school, dig?
- Captain Richard Jenko: Now we're about 4 weeks ahead of you, Hanson, so I'm going to have to rush you through some of the training.
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: What kind of training?
- Captain Richard Jenko: Hoffs! Gonna teach you how to be a teenager again, how does that grab you, sport? I'm talking about the bad kind, the kind that gets into trouble, the kind you're gonna have to be like so they think you're one of them.