Black Books (TV Series)
Cooking the Books (2000)
Dylan Moran: Bernard Black
Photos
Quotes
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Rich Guy : Those books. How much?
Bernard : Hmmm?
Rich Guy : Those books. The leather-bound ones.
Bernard : Yes, Dickens, the Collected Works of Charles Dickens.
Rich Guy : Are they real leather?
Bernard : They're real Dickens.
Rich Guy : I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with the sofa.
[Bernard looks confused]
Rich Guy : Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them.
Bernard : Two hundred what?
Rich Guy : Two hundred pounds.
Bernard : Are they leather-bound pounds?
Rich Guy : No.
Bernard : Sorry. I need leather bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next.
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Bernard : [to a cluster of skinheads] Which one of you bitches wants to dance? Hey, you know when you're doing your usual threesome thing you do on a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing? Right. This is you, okay?
[prances about]
Bernard : Tra-la-la!
[stops]
Bernard : Millwall! That's the one! Do you know this chant? 'Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated... '
[three men punch him in the face at once]
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Bernard : [speaking through a megaphone] Right, the shop is closed, everybody get out! Time to go home, come on!
Old Woman : But it's only quarter to three!
Bernard : Yes, but it's my shop.
[now shooing them out with a broom]
Bernard : Come on, go home, bye bye, get out...
Old Woman : That's hardly fair!
Bernard : It isn't fair at all. Get out!
Rich Guy : I expect better service!
Bernard : Well, expect away. Goodbye! Come on, all you time-wasting bastards, back on the streets. Thank you!
[slams door]
-
Jehovah's Witness : Hello. We're wondering if we could talk to you about Jesus.
Bernard : [pause] Great! Come in!
Jehovah's Witness : What?
Bernard : I'd love to hear about Jesus. What's he up to now?
Jehovah's Witness : It's a trap!
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[Whilst vainly trying to fill in his tax return form]
Bernard : If you live in a council flat... next to a river... but are not blind... WHAT?
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Nick Voleur : Now Bernard. About this new filing system you were telling me about.
Bernard : Ah yes well
[reaches into pocket and takes out handful of receipts]
Bernard : This is March to... boobelyboo
[takes out more receipts]
Bernard : this is err... misc
[takes out more receipts]
Bernard : and this is... other.
Nick Voleur : Bernard. This new filing system. It's very closely modeled on the old one isn't it?
Bernard : Well Nick I'd actually go further than that. I'd say it was more or less exactly... the same...
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Bernard : Half ten? Half ten? I've never been up at half ten! What happens?
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Manny : I've been gravely injured now. I don't have to do my accounts. You're a witness.
Manny : I could do your accounts.
Bernard : What?
Manny : I'm an accountant. I was. It's the least I could do
Bernard : You mean you could do more?
Manny : Yeah.
Bernard : Could I have a glass of wine?
Manny : OK.
Bernard : And a ham sandwich?
Manny : If you like.
Bernard : With pickle?
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Bernard : [customer buying book, hands it to Bernard] Oh, we've got a special offer on this one.
Customer : Really?
Bernard : Yeah, it's free if you break my legs.
Customer : [pauses] Fair enough
Bernard : GREAT! I'll get the hobbling post, there!
[Waits for the customer to respond]
Customer : Wait, I think I've read this one, that's the problem with Woodhouse isn't it?
Bernard : It's all terrible, just hurry up and break my legs!
Customer : But I've already read it! No, I'm sorry, I've got to go!
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[when being asked to explain his 'filing system' by his accountant]
Bernard : I don't know, Nick! I'm not... Wonder Woman.
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Bernard : Which one of you bitches wants to dance?
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[to three violent skinheads]
Bernard : Hey, you know when you're doing the usual threesome thing you do on a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing?
-
Bernard : Millwall fans, are we? Have you heard this one? "Millwall, Millwall, Millwall! You're awful! And your girlfriends are all unfulfilled and alienated"