- Frasier: You know the expression, "Living well is the best revenge"?
- Niles: It's a wonderful expression. I just don't know how true it is. You don't see it turning up in a lot of opera plots. "Ludwig, maddened by the poisoning of his entire family, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act by living well."
- Frasier: All right, Niles.
- Niles: "Whereupon Woton, upon discovering his deception, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act again by living even better than the Duke."
- Frasier: Oh, all right!
- Danny Kriezel: Hey, wait a minute. I can't defend everything I did back in junior high, I mean who can? But let's face it, when you show up at school wearing a tweed blazer with elbow patches and carrying a valise, I mean, I think the guilt here is fifty- fifty.
- Niles: So then it's possible these acts of aggression were misplaced outbursts aimed at your father.
- Danny Kriezel: [crying] Yes!
- Niles: He was the real bully, wasn't he?
- Danny Kriezel: Oh, yes!
- Niles: Let it out, Danny, let it out!
- Danny Kriezel: Nothing I ever did was good enough for him! I am so sorry that I picked on you, man. I just wanted to be good at something, and I was good at that.
- Niles: [puts his hand on Danny's shoulder] You were the best.
- Danny Kriezel: Were you the kid who used to carry his gym shorts in an attache case?
- Niles: It was a valise.
- Niles: When you think about it, our only mistake today was trying to fix that toilet ourselves.
- Frasier: Yes, we tampered with the natural order of things.
- Niles: But now, order has been restored. By hiring a plumber, that plumber can now afford, say, a Dolly Parton album. Miss Parton can then finance a national tour which will, of course, come to Seattle, allowing some local promoter to make enough money to send his cross-dressing teenaged son to us for $150- an-hour therapy.
- Frasier: [raises his glass] To the circle of life.
- [last lines]
- Martin Crane: [flushing toilet] Well, there she goes. Good as new.
- Frasier: Thanks, Dad. Can I buy you a beer?
- Martin Crane: Oh yeah, sounds good. Come on, Eddie.
- [as they leave, Eddie starts drinking out of the toilet]
- Martin Crane: Oh, for God's sake Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet. Some guy just had his head in there!
- [He and Frasier laugh]
- [Frasier is eating breakfast while Eddie stares at him]
- Frasier: You are not getting the rest of my scone, so just forget it...
- [takes a bite]
- Frasier: Mmm. Really good, too. Yum, yum yum yum. Listen, I don't care, you can sit there 'til you're blue in the face. As far as I'm concerned, you don't even exist, you're not even here.
- [he goes back to reading his paper, but soon crumbles]
- Frasier: Oh, all right, here! Get fat!
- [mopping up the bathroom after Frasier and Niles's failed attempt to fix the toilet]
- Daphne Moon: What a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
- Frasier: Well Daphne, we're not plumbers, we're psychiatrists.
- Daphne Moon: Yeah, well there are some heads you shouldn't tamper with.
- [Niles paces back and forth on Frasier's balcony, swatting Frasier's ficus plant every time he passes it]
- Daphne Moon: What's Dr. Crane doing?
- Frasier: He's a little frustrated because I wouldn't let him do something. He's taking his anger out on my ficus.
- Daphne Moon: I've never seen him so angry, he's like a madman.
- [Niles starts waving his arms around like a madman. Frasier lets him in]
- Niles: Good Lord! There's a bee out there the size of a wood finch!
- Niles: Good news, Frasier. I pulled some strings with the spa, and they're squeezing us in for a salt glow with our Swedish massage.
- Frasier: Fabulous!
- Martin Crane: Ah, forget about a plumber, I'll do it myself. My manicurist cancelled on me.
- Frasier: Dad, you will not do it yourself.
- Martin Crane: I'll bet you don't even have any tools around here.
- Frasier: Oh well, that's where you're wrong. Let me show you something, mister. Here...
- [He opens a drawer and pulls out a pocket toolkit]
- Frasier: See this? Every possible tool for every possible need. Got this from Hammacher-Schlemmer.
- Niles: Is that turquoise inlay?
- Frasier: Yes, it also comes in ebony and onyx.
- Niles: Onyx. Onyx is so showy. I don't...
- Frasier: Oh, I don't think so. I love onyx, onyx is a stone that resonates within me...
- [they begin to argue]
- Frasier: Martin: This is why I never took any home movies. You two realize what a couple of delicate doilies you are? Sheesh, you don't even know the meaning of the word self-reliant. Thank God there's not a national disaster happening, you'd be helpless.
- [exits]
- Frasier: Niles:
- [examining the toolkit]
- Frasier: Oh! A lemon zester!
- Martin Crane: You two realize what a couple of delicate doilies you are? Sheesh, you don't even know the meaning of the word self-reliant. Thank God there's not a national disaster happening, you'd be helpless.
- [He exits]
- Niles: [examining the toolkit] Oh! A lemon zester!
- Martin Crane: Got you again, huh? You're such a soft touch.
- Frasier: I am not.
- Martin Crane: Well, he never begs when I'm eating.
- Frasier: Maybe he doesn't like what you're eating.
- Martin Crane: Trust me, he's not picky. I saw him eat a beetle.
- Billy Kriezel: He's yelling at us something about "repressed tendencies," so we stuffed a fire extinguisher down his pants! We called it...
- [thinks]
- Frasier: A jet pack!
- Billy Kriezel: [howling with laughter] That's it! Man, you remember them all.
- Daphne Moon: Eddie, let's go for another walk!
- Martin Crane: I thought you already walked him this morning?
- Daphne Moon: I did, twice.
- Martin Crane: He's gotta go again?
- Daphne Moon: No, actually I do!
- [Martin and Frasier look askance]
- Daphne Moon: That didn't sound right. There's a very nice-looking gentleman who plays frisbee in the park with his Labrador. Eddie and I are hoping to run into them again. Come on, Eddie!
- [she tugs on his leash, Eddie doesn't move]
- Daphne Moon: He's just playing hard to get.
- Frasier: I'm glad somebody is.
- Frasier: Niles, I have to be honest. I'm a little disappointed in you. Were you actually going to stick another human being's head into a toilet?
- Niles: [trying to open a bottle of water] You don't seem to understand, I feel this *rage*! It's as if this *beast* has been awakened within me!
- [hands the bottle to Frasier]
- Niles: Could you get that for me?
- Frasier: [running into the living-room after dunking childhood bully Billy Kriezel's head down a toilet bowl] Run Niles! The beast is loose!