- Wilbur Post: Ed! Why do you insist on eavesdropping on our party line?
- Mister Ed: You haven't been around for three days. I'm lonesome.
- Wilbur Post: I've been busy.
- Mister Ed: Doing what? Keeping house?
- Wilbur Post: What's wrong with a man helping his wife around the house?
- Mister Ed: Nothing. It's supposed to be a woman's job, Wilma.
- Wilbur Post: Wilbur!
- Mister Ed: If you were a real man, your wife would stay home nights.
- Wilbur Post: Are you saying that Carol is losing interest in me?
- Mister Ed: If the horseshoe fits.
- Wilbur Post: Well, what am I doing wrong?
- Mister Ed: Nothing. That's what's wrong.
- Roger Addison: Wilbur, when you let your wife join that women's club, you became a husband without portfolio. A married bachelor. A man in search of a can opener.
- Wilbur Post: Now, hold on. You just don't know my wife.
- Roger Addison: Your wife, my wife, they're all the same. First they get married to escape from their parents. Then they join clubs to escape from their husbands.
- Wilbur Post: Oh, your wife came by. She took Carol to a women's club meeting.
- Roger Addison: Club meeting? I hope you have a good photo of your wife.
- Wilbur Post: Why?
- Roger Addison: You may not be seeing her for years. You let your wife join the Women's Committee for Civic Improvement?
- Wilbur Post: What is so terrible about that?
- Roger Addison: Before Kay joined the W.C.C.I., I had a wife. Now, I've learned I've married a Gypsy.
- Wilbur Post: Oh, she doesn't leave you alone that much.
- Roger Addison: I have to stick pins in a map to keep track of her.