- Fred G. Sanford: Now, when you come to my services, I'll save you a front seat.
- Walter: Well, that's very nice of you, Mr. Sanford, but I'm of a different sect.
- Fred G. Sanford: That's the trouble with the world today - too much sects.
- Fred G. Sanford: Upon this junk I shall build my church! I'm a divine prophet and that's what I call divinely profitable.
- Bubba Bexley: Amen!
- Fred G. Sanford: [singing to the tune of "Bringing in the Sheaves"] Counting up the dough / Counting up the dough / We shall come rejoicing / Counting up the dough!
- Uncle Woodrow 'Woody' Anderson: Say, listen, what kind of wine you gonna serve at the services?
- Fred G. Sanford: Well, we have to keep the expenses down, so we'll serve fermented Kool Aid. And after the services, we'll open the cash bar for the Hallelujah Hour.
- Fred G. Sanford: [Piously admonishing Woodrow and Bubba] Remember, an idle mind is the devil's workshop.
- Bishop Lovelace: Well, put, Reverend. I'm glad to see a man who uses the Proverbs.
- Fred G. Sanford: Oh, sure. Proverbs, pronouns, adjectives, adverbs, I use 'em all.
- Lamont Sanford: Where have you been?
- Fred G. Sanford: [Piously] I've been in the chapel, meditating.
- Lamont Sanford: We thought you fell in and baptized yourself.
- Aunt Esther Anderson: What respectable church would ordain a beady eyed jackal like you?
- Fred G. Sanford: Now that I'm a man of the cloth Sister Esther, I suggest you behave yourself in my church because I'll excommunicate your face.
- Bubba Bexley: Hey, what's happening Fred?
- Fred G. Sanford: Well well Brother Bubba do come in.
- Bubba Bexley: Brother Bubba? Hey, don't tell me you got it?
- Fred G. Sanford: It arrived this morning.
- Bubba Bexley: Yeah.
- Fred G. Sanford: Bubba you are now talking to the very right Reverend Fred G Sanford.
- Bubba Bexley: Yeah
- Fred G. Sanford: and the G stands for going to Heaven.
- Lamont Sanford: What are you talking about Pop?
- Fred G. Sanford: Son I've just been ordained a full-fledged bonafide legal Minister in Divine profit Church, get my tambourine.
- Aunt Esther Anderson: You better not play with the good book you old Heathen or the Lord will cast you into the fiery furnace.
- Fred G. Sanford: Esther in your case I'm available for exorcism. I'll take you somewhere and beat the devil out of you.