- Benito Mussolini: Bene notte, it's-a Mussolini here, at-a ringside, for the Axis Network. We got-a some fight for you tonight. We got-a the American time-a traveler. He's-a big-a, he's-a old-a, and he's-a bald-a. He's-a big-a, old-a, bald-a guy-a! And then there's-a Hitler. He's-a not so big, but he's-a mean. Hitler, he don't-a play games-a. I talked to Hitler before the fight, and he told me this fight won't last three rounds, and then, he's gonna invade Poland. Let's take a look.
- Weekend Update Anchor: This week, a Cincinnati woman with ten personalities sued a man for sexual assault. But the suit was thrown out when two of her personalities said that she may have consented. You know, folks, where I come from"No, no, no, no, no, yes, yes, no, no" means no!
- Weekend Update Anchor: A California man has sued McDonald's claiming he contracted AIDS from one of its pork sandwiches. McDonald's disputes his charge but the man insists, quote, "That sandwich gave me AIDS just as sure as I'm a male prostitute."