- Chalmers: Well, Seymour, it seems we've put together a baseball team, and I'm wondering, who's on first, eh?
- Principal Skinner: Not the pronoun, but rather a player with the unlikely name of "Who" is on first.
- Chalmers: Well that's just great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconds and you've already managed to blow the routine.
- [Chalmers storms off]
- Chalmers: [muttering under his breath] Sexless freak.
- Chief Wiggum: Do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge.
- Marge: That's your hat.
- Lou: She's good, chief.
- Homer Simpson: [during the credits] I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under...
- [gun cocks]
- Homer Simpson: ... my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many FOX shows as possible. So in summary: NBC bad, FOX good.
- [quickly, under his breath]
- Homer Simpson: CBS great.
- [the gun is heard firing several times]
- [while watching a faculty talent show]
- Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.
- Lisa Simpson: How'd you know the plan would work, Mom?
- Marge Simpson: Thanks for asking. Well, I was watching "Dateline", and Stone Phillips said SUVs always roll over when you turn sharply, and the gas tanks explode at the drop of a hat.
- Zookeeper: And she also knew if a rhino sees a flame, he'll instinctively try to put it out.
- Marge Simpson: Stone Phillips again!
- Homer Simpson: Is there anything that guy doesn't know?
- Zookeeper: Why this Stone Phillips sounds like quite a bloke! What television network is he on?
- Bart Simpson: Why, NBC, of course!
- Lisa Simpson: NBC has lots of great shows, and their news and sports coverage can't be beat!
- Chief Wiggum: Do ya think there's anything great on NBC right now?
- Homer Simpson: Oh, I'm sure of it.
- Marge Simpson: But there's only one way to find out!
- [the episode ends]
- Chief Wiggum: [Eddie walks into the road rage class in a bear costume] Why, it's Curtis E. Bear--the Courtesy Bear!
- Eddie: [briefly dances and hums]
- Chief Wiggum: For the next three hours, this bear will take your verbal and physical abuse with good nature and aplomb. So, if you'll all just grab one of these two-by-fours...
- Eddie: Uh, Chief, can I at least shield my crotch?
- Chief Wiggum: Bears can't talk, Eddie.
- Groundskeeper Willie: [Performing a stand-up routine in a kilt and with a set of bagpipes] So, have you noticed how North Edinburgh golfers putt like this?
- [Standing up straight, he mimes putting with one of the pipes]
- Groundskeeper Willie: And South Edinburgh golfers putt like this?
- [Does the same, but with his legs further apart and his knees bent. Someone in the audience coughs, but otherwise there is no reaction]
- Groundskeeper Willie: Eh?
- [Blows a note on the bagpipe]
- Groundskeeper Willie: Eh?
- [a cicada is heard, but still no reaction from the audience]
- Groundskeeper Willie: Oh, I see. Willie's not funny unless he's down on his knees, scooping up your little brats' puke!
- [the audience laugh]
- Groundskeeper Willie: Thank you, you've been great!