The Simpsons (TV Series)
Missionary: Impossible (2000)
Betty White: Betty White
Quotes
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Betty White : You don't have the money do you Homer?
Homer : [shakes his head] Mm mm.
Betty White : And you thought you could just stab your problems away?
Homer : [nods his head] Mm hmm.
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Betty White : And now for the moment of generosity.
Homer : Will cash be okay?
Betty White : Absolutely.
Homer : Well, then we got a problem. The banks are closed by now.
Betty White : It's 12:15.
Homer : Maybe your movie star banks are open crazy hours, but we in Springfield are simple folk. We like our cars fast and our banks closed.
[seeing the angry looks]
Homer : Okay, fine, we'll go down there, but they're not going to be open.
[cut to the bank, which goes about business as usual]
Homer : Yeah... it's a real ghost town in there.
PBS Host : [with a sarcastic amused laugh] Get in there.
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PBS Host : With your donation, you'll receive this classic PBS tote bag.
Betty White : Or this umbrella featuring a picture of our classic tote bag.
PBS Host : And the next 20 callers will get this album of museum noises. Now your music room can sound just like the Metropolitan Museum in New York.
[sound of footsteps and a security guard clearing his throat]
PBS Host : Outstanding.
Homer : Why are you torturing me? I'm just a man!
Betty White : You know, I've worked with so many legendary actors over the years who could be counted on to "phone it in." Well, now it's your turn to phone it in; your pledge, that is. Please. Please! We're only $10,000 away from returning to our show.
Homer : Well, why didn't you say so?
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Betty White : If you like great PBS programs like "Do Shut Up" and "Shut Your Gob," you'll want to support our pledge drive.
Bart : Pledge drive? Ugh!
PBS Host : That's right, Betty White.
Betty White : Absolutely. If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute, you're a thief. A common thief.
PBS Host : Okay, take it easy, Betty.
Betty White : Sorry, but these thieves make me so damn mad. You know who you are. Thieves!
Homer : You're mad? Where's my show?
PBS Host : And now it's time to go back to "Do Shut Up."
Homer : Finally.
PBS Host : But first...
Homer : [disappointed groan] Ohh!
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Homer : Yes, I'd like to pledge $10,000 to get them to shut up. From... anonymous.
[hanging up and brushing his hands together]
Homer : Done and done.
Bart : Dad, you don't have $10,000.
Homer : Eh, how are they gonna find me?
Betty White : Folks, we just reached our goal of $10,700, and it's all thanks to one generous caller who didn't leave his name.
[Homer laughs triumphantly]
Betty White : But thanks to Insta-Trace, we've learned it's Homer Simpson of 742 Evergreen Terrace.
Homer : AHH! Oh, why did I register with Insta-Trace?
Betty White : Our pledge enforcement van will be at his house in moments.
Homer : Uh-oh. You gotta help me, Bart.
[seeing him jump out the window]
Homer : That's it, boy. Go get help.
[realizing Bart's playing on the swing set]
Homer : D'oh!