- [Phone rings]
- Rupert Murdoch: Hello, Murdoch here... 10,000 dollars? You've saved my network.
- Bart: Wouldn't be the first time.
- Betty White: You don't have the money do you Homer?
- Homer: [shakes his head] Mm mm.
- Betty White: And you thought you could just stab your problems away?
- Homer: [nods his head] Mm hmm.
- PBS Pledge Drive Host: It's easy to see why it's England's most long-running series - and we're showing all of them, all 7 episodes.
- Homer: Hey, what happened to all the shirtless girls you see in the geographical magazines?
- Island Native #1: [pointing to another island in the distance] All the naked woman are on that island.
- [after helping the islanders build a church]
- Homer: Well, I may not know much about God, but I'd have to say we built a pretty nice cage for Him.
- Homer: Greg and Amy, Greg and Amy, why don't you just *marry* Greg and Amy?
- Island Native #1: [looks to other island native] I told you we should have asked them
- Betty White: And now for the moment of generosity.
- Homer: Will cash be okay?
- Betty White: Absolutely.
- Homer: Well, then we got a problem. The banks are closed by now.
- Betty White: It's 12:15.
- Homer: Maybe your movie star banks are open crazy hours, but we in Springfield are simple folk. We like our cars fast and our banks closed.
- [seeing the angry looks]
- Homer: Okay, fine, we'll go down there, but they're not going to be open.
- [cut to the bank, which goes about business as usual]
- Homer: Yeah... it's a real ghost town in there.
- PBS Host: [with a sarcastic amused laugh] Get in there.
- [first lines]
- PBS Announcer: You're watching PBS.
- [Cut to the Thames opening logo]
- Bart Simpson: YOU'RE watching PBS?
- Homer: Hey, I'm as surprised as you, but I've stumbled upon the most delicious British sitcom.
- Bart Simpson: [seeing the title] "Do Shut Up"?
- Homer: It's about a hard-drinking yet loving family of soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a bird, they're having a row with a wanker.
- Bart Simpson: Cheeky.
- PBS Host: With your donation, you'll receive this classic PBS tote bag.
- Betty White: Or this umbrella featuring a picture of our classic tote bag.
- PBS Host: And the next 20 callers will get this album of museum noises. Now your music room can sound just like the Metropolitan Museum in New York.
- [sound of footsteps and a security guard clearing his throat]
- PBS Host: Outstanding.
- Homer: Why are you torturing me? I'm just a man!
- Betty White: You know, I've worked with so many legendary actors over the years who could be counted on to "phone it in." Well, now it's your turn to phone it in; your pledge, that is. Please. Please! We're only $10,000 away from returning to our show.
- Homer: Well, why didn't you say so?
- Homer: [asking Reverend Lovejoy to hide him from PBS] Please help me. I'll do anything. I'll light a candle. I'll help with your next charity scam.
- Rev. Lovejoy: The word is "drive."
- Homer: Sure, sure. Bob's your uncle. Let's just get out of here.
- Homer: I'd like to withdraw $10,000, please.
- Bank Teller: [reading the note passed to him] "You are on television. Please play along." Are you robbing me?
- Homer: [whispering] I'll pay you later.
- PBS Host: Um, is there a problem, Mr. Simpson?
- Homer: Uh... . why, no. Uh, everything is just...
- [grabbing a pen, he tries to stab the host, but the short chain prevents it]
- Homer: Ohh! I can't do it! I can't kill a man.
- [changing his hand position, he tries again]
- Betty White: If you like great PBS programs like "Do Shut Up" and "Shut Your Gob," you'll want to support our pledge drive.
- Bart: Pledge drive? Ugh!
- PBS Host: That's right, Betty White.
- Betty White: Absolutely. If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute, you're a thief. A common thief.
- PBS Host: Okay, take it easy, Betty.
- Betty White: Sorry, but these thieves make me so damn mad. You know who you are. Thieves!
- Homer: You're mad? Where's my show?
- PBS Host: And now it's time to go back to "Do Shut Up."
- Homer: Finally.
- PBS Host: But first...
- Homer: [disappointed groan] Ohh!
- Rev. Lovejoy: We'll send you someplace safe 'til the heat dies down.
- Homer: Great, but why am I on a plane?
- Rev. Lovejoy: Homer, how would you like to be a missionary in the South Pacific?
- Homer: South Pacific? I didn't agree to...
- [Lovejoy shuts the hatch, and the plane takes off]
- Homer: [running to the cockpit] Wa-wait! I'm no missionary. I don't even believe in Jebus.
- Marge: So, you said on the phone you had something to tell me?
- Rev. Lovejoy: Hmm? Oh, yes. Your husband's in Microatia.
- Lisa: Microatia? That's 12,000 miles away.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Uh-huh. He needed to get away for a while. I suggested missionary work, and he jumped at the idea.
- Marge: Missionary work?
- Bart: He's dead, isn't he?
- Rev. Lovejoy: No, no. You can even keep in touch with him on this ham radio.
- Homer: [over the radio] Jebus, where are you? Homer to Jebus.
- [disappointed groan]
- Homer: Ohh...
- Homer: Yes, I'd like to pledge $10,000 to get them to shut up. From... anonymous.
- [hanging up and brushing his hands together]
- Homer: Done and done.
- Bart: Dad, you don't have $10,000.
- Homer: Eh, how are they gonna find me?
- Betty White: Folks, we just reached our goal of $10,700, and it's all thanks to one generous caller who didn't leave his name.
- [Homer laughs triumphantly]
- Betty White: But thanks to Insta-Trace, we've learned it's Homer Simpson of 742 Evergreen Terrace.
- Homer: AHH! Oh, why did I register with Insta-Trace?
- Betty White: Our pledge enforcement van will be at his house in moments.
- Homer: Uh-oh. You gotta help me, Bart.
- [seeing him jump out the window]
- Homer: That's it, boy. Go get help.
- [realizing Bart's playing on the swing set]
- Homer: D'oh!
- Island Native #1: How many times must we go to church to avoid Hell?
- Island Native #2: Every Sunday for the rest of our lives.
- Island Native #1: Hahaha - no, seriously.