The Simpsons (TV Series)
The Mansion Family (2000)
Hank Azaria: Moe Szyslak, Seat Filler, Apu, Doctor, Carl, Captain, Captain McAllister
Quotes
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Mr. Burns : Now, Doctor, I want you to test me for everything. Every disease on this chart.
Doctor : Fine. We'll just start by drawing some blood.
[he puts a tourniquet on Burns' arm and, inserting the needle, it pokes right through]
Doctor : Well, isn't that odd? It's like poking through meringue.
Mr. Burns : [holding up his other arm] Oh, try this arm. I saw some blood in there the other day.
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Montgomery Burns : Well, Doc, I think I did pretty well on my tests. You may shake my hand if you like.
Doctor : Well, under the circumstances, I'd rather not.
Montgomery Burns : Eh?
Doctor : Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
Montgomery Burns : You mean I have pneumonia?
Doctor : Yes.
Montgomery Burns : Juvenile diabetes?
Doctor : Yes.
Montgomery Burns : Hysterical pregnancy?
Doctor : Uh, a little bit, yes! You also have several diseases that have just been discovered - in you.
Montgomery Burns : I see. You sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?
Doctor : Uh, no, no, I'm afraid not.
Montgomery Burns : This sounds like bad news.
Doctor : Well, you'd think so, but - all of your diseases are in perfect balance. Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain.
Montgomery Burns : [checks his watch] Well...
[the Doctor puts a tiny model house door on his desk]
Doctor : Here's the door to your body, you see?
[brings up some small fuzz balls with goofy faces and limbs from under the desk]
Doctor : And these are oversized novelty germs - er, that's influenza, that's bronchitis, and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer, ha! Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.
[tries to cram the "germs" through the model door, but they get stuck]
Doctor : [à la Curly] Woo, woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woop!
[à la Moe]
Doctor : Move it, chowder-head!
[normal voice]
Doctor : We call it Three Stooges syndrome.
Montgomery Burns : So, what you're saying is... I'm indestructible!
Doctor : Oh, no, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could...
Montgomery Burns : [leaves the office, to himself] Indestructible.
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Pirate Captain : Set a course for Hidden Pirate Island - a.k.a. Hong Kong.
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Moe Szyslak : You could steal a boat and sail out to international waters.
Homer Simpson : What's that, a theme park?
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Moe Szyslak : You know I can't sell you no beer till 2PM on account of it's Sunday.
Homer Simpson : Huh? If you can't sell beer what are Lenny and Carl doing here?
Carl : We're just watching the sun move across the sky.
Lenny : When it gets to here, we can drink again!
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Carl : Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are gettin' real ugly.
[blocking a keg of beer, Moe cracks a whip to keep Lenny and Barney at bay]
Moe Szyslak : I can't sell you beer 'til we cross the line!
Barney : Legally, you could give us free beer.
[getting whipped]
Barney : Ow!
Lenny : Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds?
[Moe tosses a bottle to him]
Lenny : Hey! Ha-ha-ha. Sucker.
[as he starts drinking it, Moe whips him]
Lenny : Ow!