- Homer Simpson: Oh, why won't anyone give me an award?
- Lisa Simpson: You won a Grammy.
- Homer Simpson: I mean an award that's worth winning.
- [announcement on the bottom of the screen- Legal Disclaimer: Mr. Simpson's opinions do not reflect those of the producers, who don't consider the Grammy an award at all]
- Marge Simpson: This all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joes. Hmm, I know what the other eleven forks are for, but what do you do with this one?
- Homer Simpson: Why, Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it.
- Marge Simpson: Homer, watch your lang...
- [scratching her rear]
- Marge Simpson: Ooh, that's a lifesaver!
- [filing out medical forms]
- Mr. Burns: Social security number? Naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, 2. Damn Roosevelt. Cause of parents death? Got in my way.
- Mr. Burns: Now, Doctor, I want you to test me for everything. Every disease on this chart.
- Doctor: Fine. We'll just start by drawing some blood.
- [he puts a tourniquet on Burns' arm and, inserting the needle, it pokes right through]
- Doctor: Well, isn't that odd? It's like poking through meringue.
- Mr. Burns: [holding up his other arm] Oh, try this arm. I saw some blood in there the other day.
- [the city of Springfield is having an illegal party in the ocean, about 300 yards from American territorial waters]
- Bart: [on megaphone] What are you gonna do now, Coast Guard? Huh? You can't arrest us or do anything to us. Lousy Americans...
- Coast Guard: [on megaphone] We can't hear you. Come 300 yards closer.
- Montgomery Burns: Well, Doc, I think I did pretty well on my tests. You may shake my hand if you like.
- Doctor: Well, under the circumstances, I'd rather not.
- Montgomery Burns: Eh?
- Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
- Montgomery Burns: You mean I have pneumonia?
- Doctor: Yes.
- Montgomery Burns: Juvenile diabetes?
- Doctor: Yes.
- Montgomery Burns: Hysterical pregnancy?
- Doctor: Uh, a little bit, yes! You also have several diseases that have just been discovered - in you.
- Montgomery Burns: I see. You sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?
- Doctor: Uh, no, no, I'm afraid not.
- Montgomery Burns: This sounds like bad news.
- Doctor: Well, you'd think so, but - all of your diseases are in perfect balance. Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain.
- Montgomery Burns: [checks his watch] Well...
- [the Doctor puts a tiny model house door on his desk]
- Doctor: Here's the door to your body, you see?
- [brings up some small fuzz balls with goofy faces and limbs from under the desk]
- Doctor: And these are oversized novelty germs - er, that's influenza, that's bronchitis, and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer, ha! Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.
- [tries to cram the "germs" through the model door, but they get stuck]
- Doctor: [à la Curly] Woo, woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woop!
- [à la Moe]
- Doctor: Move it, chowder-head!
- [normal voice]
- Doctor: We call it Three Stooges syndrome.
- Montgomery Burns: So, what you're saying is... I'm indestructible!
- Doctor: Oh, no, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could...
- Montgomery Burns: [leaves the office, to himself] Indestructible.
- Homer Simpson: Listen, I worked long and hard for this place, and no one's gonna take it away from me. Not you, not its rightful owner, not anybody.
- Homer Simpson: [leaving the Pride Awards and lugging a giant statue with him] Well, that was a great night for us all.
- Marge Simpson: That's not an award. That's part of the set.
- Homer Simpson: Nothing you can say will diminish this honor.
- Marge Simpson: Good lord! This bedroom is as big as our house!
- Homer Simpson: And the bed never needs to be made. Check it out.
- [pulling a lever, a trap door opens and the bed drops into a furnace; another trap door opens and a new bed replaces it]
- Marge Simpson: Hmm. Seems a little wasteful.
- Homer Simpson: Wasteful and practical.
- Homer Simpson: [at the Springfield Pride Awards] This is my year, Marge. Everyone knows I'm what makes this city great!
- Marge Simpson: I don't know. There's a lot of buzz around Lenny.
- Lisa Simpson: [at Mr. Burns' elaborate dinner table] Mom, Bart's making faces at me!
- [using a pair of opera glasses to get a better look]
- Lisa Simpson: I think.
- Kent Brockman: [after the town's oldest resident dies] Well, this award has to go to somebody. Would everyone who is 60 or older please stand up?
- [Flanders, Mr. Burns, Grandpa Simpson, Jasper, Mrs. Glick, and the Old Jewish Man stand up]
- Kent Brockman: Over 80?
- [Flanders, Abe, and Mrs. Glick sit back down]
- Kent Brockman: 90?
- [the Old Jewish Man sits down, and Abe stands back up]
- Kent Brockman: 100 years old?
- [everyone but Mr. Burns sits down]
- Marge Simpson: Homer, sit down!
- Homer Simpson: [feigning old age] What's that, sonny?
- [she sits him back down, and everyone cheers for Mr. Burns]
- Mr. Burns: [heading on stage] Well, this is all so sudden.
- [Britney leans in to kiss him]
- Mr. Burns: Ah! Don't give me that kiss of death, you black widow!
- Kent Brockman: [wrenching the statute out of Mr. Chapman's dead hands] Boy, he didn't want to let go of that.
- [laughter]
- Mr. Burns: Okay, let's see. I... I don't have a speech prepared, but, uh... abracadaver!
- [taking the speech from Chapman's pocket]
- Mr. Burns: "Thank you all so much. I love Springfield, from the cuddliest infant to..." puppies, patriotism... bluebirds. Pfft! I'm not reading this drivel. This speech is over.
- Marge Simpson: Stop that! Cigars are for rich people and legendary comedians like Bill Crosby and David Letterson
- Moe Szyslak: You could steal a boat and sail out to international waters.
- Homer Simpson: What's that, a theme park?
- Moe Szyslak: You know I can't sell you no beer till 2PM on account of it's Sunday.
- Homer Simpson: Huh? If you can't sell beer what are Lenny and Carl doing here?
- Carl: We're just watching the sun move across the sky.
- Lenny: When it gets to here, we can drink again!
- Homer Simpson: Everyone gets an award but me.
- Marge Simpson: I can't help it if I donated the most blood.
- [suddenly getting dizzy]
- Marge Simpson: Ooh, I'm feeling kinda woozy.
- Marge Simpson: I'm not gonna let you trash Mr. Burns' yacht.
- Homer Simpson: Marge, you know I normally listen to you, but I gotta seize this opportunity, just in case I never become a real billionaire.
- Marge Simpson: Oh, Homie, I don't care if you're a billionaire. I love you just because...
- Lenny: Hey, there's another way to get on the boat!
- Homer Simpson: Whoo-hoo!
- Marge Simpson: Homer, you've got to stop pretending this is your house. You're not a billionaire.
- Homer Simpson: Jeez, way to burst my bubble, Marge.
- Marge Simpson: All I'm saying is don't get too comfortable. Mr. Burns will be back tomorrow.
- Homer Simpson: Marge, you're right. We *do* have to have a party.
- Marge Simpson: Party? No! No parties.
- Homer Simpson: What about partays?
- Marge Simpson: No partays, no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies, no mixers, no raves, no box socials.
- Homer Simpson: Damn!
- [holding up a stack of invitations]
- Homer Simpson: And I looked so good on that bike.
- Bart: [riding his bike through Mr. Burns' mansion, he knocks a table and vase over] I'm Al Unser, Jr.!
- Lisa Simpson: [on a horse and jumping over the debris] I'm Princess Margaret!
- Homer Simpson: [following on a lawnmower] I'm drunk!
- Carl: Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are gettin' real ugly.
- [blocking a keg of beer, Moe cracks a whip to keep Lenny and Barney at bay]
- Moe Szyslak: I can't sell you beer 'til we cross the line!
- Barney: Legally, you could give us free beer.
- [getting whipped]
- Barney: Ow!
- Lenny: Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds?
- [Moe tosses a bottle to him]
- Lenny: Hey! Ha-ha-ha. Sucker.
- [as he starts drinking it, Moe whips him]
- Lenny: Ow!
- Homer Simpson: [house-sitting for Mr. Burns] Look at me! I'm a billionaire!
- [climbing onto the banister, he slides down and flies butt-first into a painting on the wall]
- Waylon Smithers: [returning to collect a bag] I forgot my...
- [trying to laugh it off, Homer chuckles and gives him a thumbs-up]
- Homer Simpson: [taking Mr. Burns' yacht for a party] Propellers... spinning! Turn... left! Boat go... there!
- Lisa Simpson: [on the dock] Don't worry, Mom. I'm sure he'll be okay.
- Marge Simpson: The boat's going sideways!
- Homer Simpson: Chips ahoy!
- [the boat bumps into a rocky outcropping and rights itself]
- Homer Simpson: Well done, Mr. Lenny. Well done.
- Homer Simpson: [in international waters] There are no laws. We can do anything we want. Anything.
- [Lenny runs up and starts kicking him in the shins]
- Homer Simpson: Ow! Ow! Oh, real mature, Lenny.
- Britney Spears: I'm teen sensation Britney Spears.
- [audience goes wild]
- Kent Brockman: And I'm Kent Brockman!
- [crowd goes silent]
- Kent Brockman: ...with, Britney Spears!
- [crowd cheers]
- Britney Spears: And we're here to present the...
- Kent Brockman: 65th!
- Britney Spears: Annual...
- Kent Brockman: Spring
- Britney Spears: Field
- Kent Brockman: Pride A-...
- Britney Spears: -wards!
- [crowd applauds]
- Britney Spears: Tonight, we'll be recognizing outstanding members of...
- Kent Brockman: ...the...
- Britney Spears: Springfield community!
- [MRI alarm reads "Body Jam in Sector 4"; Technician opens a maintenance door to reveal Mr. Burns hopelessly tangled in a bunch of gears]
- MRI Technician: Here's your problem.
- Coast Guard: Navy SEALS are on their way!
- Homer: Oh bless you!
- Coast Guard: How about a tactical nuclear strike?
- Homer: Oh, that would be just... ohh. You're just yanking my chain, aren't you?