- Roman Roy: I'm not a radical feminist, Dad, but I think perhaps we should not fire her for receiving pictures of my dick.
- Logan Roy: Are you a sicko? What is this? Why did you send it?
- Roman Roy: It's just, you know... "Here's my dick".
- Logan Roy: Oh what, like "Fuck you"?
- Roman Roy: People just... send each other pics of their dicks.
- Logan Roy: People send each other pics of their dicks?
- Roman Roy: Yeah, have you heard of dick pics, Dad?
- Logan Roy: Well, we do publish a number of popular newspapers so yes, son. We probably invented the fucking words.
- Lady Caroline Collingwood: Truth is, I should probably never have had children. You made the right decision. Some people just aren't made to be mothers. I should've had dogs.
- Shiv Roy: Well, you could have had dogs.
- Lady Caroline Collingwood: No. Not with your father. He never saw anything he loved that he didn't want to kick it just to see if it would still come back.
- Gerri Kellman: I need you to stop sending me the, um, items.
- Roman Roy: The which?
- [clicks tongue]
- Roman Roy: The dick picks? You... don't want pictures of my dick?
- Gerri Kellman: No.
- Roman Roy: Okay. I'm kind of offended. Are you sure?
- Gerri Kellman: Yes, I'm sure.
- Roman Roy: Okay.
- Gerri Kellman: I'm fucking serious, Roman!
- Roman Roy: I'm not so sure. I feel like you do want them, but you're being kind of typically minxy.
- Gerri Kellman: I think this happens when you're under pressure or... But you need to find some other outlet, Roman.
- Roman Roy: Look at you, trying to get inside my head. Don't open Pandora's box. There's just more dicks in there.
- Lady Caroline Collingwood: I might cry.
- Shiv Roy: Oh yeah? Where's the onion.
- Lady Caroline Collingwood: You were quite a piece of work. You were my onion. You are my onion.
- Shiv Roy: Yeah, well, you're my fucking onion.
- Frank Vernon: So the board members not physically available will be joining by phone, including Siobhan Roy, who sends her apologies. She's working on strategy. And Kendall Roy who's not attending due to illness. And we're going to lead off...
- Kendall Roy: [over speakerphone] That's not actually true.
- Frank Vernon: And we're going to lead off with an update on the promising investments in the ongoing investigation from which portion of the meeting Kendall and Logan Roy are recused. Hence...
- [points to Logan Roy on the other side of the glass conference room wall, staring at the assembled board]
- Shiv Roy: [to Roman] You haven't got a date? Did no one on Raya wanna come to Italy and sit on your Ricotta dick?
- Tom Wambsgans: Congratulations, Greg.
- Shiv Roy: Yeah. Punching above your weight?
- Greg Hirsch: Oh, Comfry? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like her... I like her... I do wonder... is there depth there? Like, is there substance?
- Tom Wambsgans: Depth? Oh my God! The man dying of thirst is suddenly a mineral water critic? Does Comfry not sate your lust for wisdom, Greg? It's such a shame Sontag's not still alive, you could take her to the drive-thru.
- Greg Hirsch: Maybe, I wonder, when she gets to know the quote-unquote "real me," will she stick around?
- Shiv Roy: Well, I guess either way, if it doesn't work out, she's a great date ladder.
- Willa Ferreyra: You ever met the pope, Con?
- Connor Roy: [distracted] Yeah, I met one, couple of popes back, with Dad. He was a real full-fat pope. Complete pope. Very religious.
- Willa Ferreyra: I guess you really drank the Kool-Aid, huh?
- Roman Roy: [to Gerri] Laurie, Laurie, Laurie. You just will not stop going on about him. I think you're obsessed, and frankly, it's disgusting.
- Gerri Kellman: I'm not panicking!
- Roman Roy: I think you are, because you're interrupting a great night. I'm getting very pally with Laurie. I might try to fuck him, see how that fits into our disgusting mess...
- Gerri Kellman: Do not try to fuck Laurie. What do you think about trying to go see Mattson?
- Roman Roy: I can't quite fire you yet Shiv because I'm still a little bit scared of you, but my thinking is, when I take over, I'm going to put you in the office next to mine, and you're gonna be my sexy secretary.
- Shiv Roy: What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Roman Roy: I dunno. We're working on it. Ongoing process...