Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Free Willy (2010)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : So why was this movie such a big hit? Because Michael Jackson did the song for it. I think he's the only reason this movie made money. He was still, like one of the biggest things in the world at the time, so if he said, "Hee hee, watch this whale". People are gonna watch that fucking whale.

• Nostalgia Critic : This is a story about a boy and his Willy... let me try that again. This is a story about a boy and his relationship with his little whale... no. This is a story about a boy who likes to hang on to his big fish... okay, it's not what you think. It has Michael Jackson in it... okay, forget it.

• Nostalgia Critic : [a villain smugly eats a piece of popcorn]  No one can eat popcorn so devilishly! Seriously, you can put that in, like, any heartwarming scene and it just would suck the love right out of it!

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Glenn]  You wanna know what I'm into? Child abuse. Lots of it. You wanna see a sample of that, you little shit?

• Nostalgia Critic : So the kid is given a foster home with a perfectly nice couple, which of course he HATES.

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Glenn]  Uhh... fuck adoption. Fuck, fuck, fuck adoption.

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Randolph]  I hope you make no connection to that animal, whatsoever. I don't wanna see any of that kindred spirit stuff.

• Lori Petty as Rae : You really messed up our observation area.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, well, you messed up Tank Girl.

• Nostalgia Critic : It's the least I can offer after he broke into my theme park, vandalized my walls and disturbed my whale.

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Dial]  Well, at least I've still got my white shark insurance at Sea World.

• Nostalgia Critic : So Jesse is now working there as a professional... boy.

• Nostalgia Critic : Jesus, I swear this guy is a robot.

• Nostalgia Critic : But like I said, it's not a terrible movie. I mean it's not as bad as something like... A Troll in Central - Nope! Nope, nope, nope, I know how this works. If I say the entire title that means I have to review it next week. Yeah, I know this joke. I'm not doing it. There is no way that you're going to get me to say A Troll in Central Park... FUCK!

• Nostalgia Critic : Wow, what first-year Photoshop student put that title together?

• Dial : Oh, God, I hate that whale.

  Nostalgia Critic : And yet, I like Gilmore Girls. Weird, huh?

• Jesse : You're still a beautiful animal, though.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, real streetwise kid as I said.

  [in tough guy voice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yo, I ain't playin', man, this is the real deal! Hey, you don't like it, shove it out your piehole!

  [gently] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You're such a beautiful animal.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Dwight]  Oh, hey, a supportive black person looking out for a lost white person. Gosh, I haven't seen that in a movie since... every movie ever made, I think.

• Dwight : Nobody's heard from your mom in six years, Jesse.

  Nostalgia Critic : Your father, on the other hand, wrote you another letter from prison. He says...

  [opens letter and looks at it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'll tell you when you're older.

• Jesse : I'm outta here. I'm going to California.

  Jimmy Woods : [inserted clip]  California.

  Nostalgia Critic : Shut up.

• Nostalgia Critic : But then, we come across our enemy...

  [slams hands on the table, camera zooms in on his face] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Man!

  [dramatic music plays]