- Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson: [to Cindy and Suzanne] You know what's better than being famous?
- Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren: Uh... pizza, daisies, smelly markers, any animal, a really good dream, a warm bath, picking a booger - a dry one, pizza, graham crackers and icing sandwiches, the feeling you get when you make a really good joke and someone laughs - in a nice way, not a mean way, and they...
- Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson: [cuts her off] Money!
- Joel Luschek: You didn't listen to me man. I told you, you gotta show up high on your first day man. That way they think that's who you are. But no, you had to go and make a good impression, to get off on the right foot. Now you're screwd. Can't let other people define you.
- CO Stokan: What's your business?
- Nicky Nichols: Well, I figured I'd bust out of here and sell generic disinfectant and cleaning rags on the street for pennies.
- Piper Chapman: I'm playing these guards like a flute. Like a group of flutes. Many flutes. I'm the flautist.
- Charlie 'Donuts' Coates: Teaching them to install illegal cable doesn't exactly sound like rehabilitation.
- Joel Luschek: If I could tell five-year-old me that one day he'd be able to get drunk of the liquid equivalent of Werther's Originals for $5.98 a bottle, he'd be fucking psyched.
- Joel Luschek: I don't really like to pay much attention to anything around here, especially if it requires me to do something as a result.
- Lolly Whitehill: You got kids?
- Sam Healy: Nope. Wasn't in the cards. Didn't have the genetics.
- Lolly Whitehill: Well, that don't stop most people.