Snopjo's Reviews

The Wicker Man (2006)

2/10

2 September 2006

Warning: Spoilers

A phenomenal achievement in awfulness. It's actually hilariously awful.

First off...Nicholas Cage must now have made it to the finals in the Over-Emoting Category in his acting class. Wearing new hair plugs and with a face that has been lifted so many times his pinned back ears seem to be straining to touch in the back he oozes not only a sick smarmiess but creates a "hero" character that you have no vested interest in.

I don't know what it is with Neil Labute and female characters. He makes females out to be totally deviant and evil...and pays them back by having Cage punch several of them directly in the face and call them all "b****es" a few times too. I've enjoyed LaBute's early films and a few of his plays...but it's a strange fascination he has.

I'd give this film a 2 out of 10 solely based on Ellen Burstyn's performance. By the time she finally makes her appearance (bravely soldiering through her scenes with her wig line clearly visible on her forehead) it seems like all hope may be lost. She deserves an Oscar right here and now for saying her lines with a straight face and when she appears wearing a white mumu and blue, white, and gold face paint booming about The Wicker Man you know that working with Scorcese and Friedkin really prepped her for this role dang well.

This movie is so wrong-headed and cuckoo that is has to be seen to be believed.

Highlights include: Nicholas Cage running away from a swarm of bees and then falling down a hill.

Nicholas Cage stealing a bicycle and looking like Ms. Gulch from The Wizard of Oz riding around on it.

Nicholas Cage running around the island kicking down doors looking for the missing girl.

Leelee Sobieski PLUMMETING from a once-promising acting career in a "brawl" with Cage.

Ellen Burstyn dancing around in a said while mumu.

Nicholas Cage screaming "Who burned it? Who burned it? Who burned it?Who burned it?Who burned it?Who burned it?" for no reason.

Nicholas Cage in a bear costume (I'm not kidding) running through the woods, taking off the costume (but leaving the bear feet on) and then doing some karate moves to some villains.

And you haven't lived until you have seen the final 15 minutes of the movie and its dreadful epilogue that looked like it was shot yesterday in your cousin's basement.

Needless to say, if you can make it through this film without laughing out loud then you deserve a medal. There was actually a point in the movie where I stopped snickering to wonder if maybe this wasn't an elaborate send-up of "hysteria" films...only to be reminded when Cage would scream/shout/whisper his dialogue that he really was taking himself quite seriously.

I think this one is destined to be a cult film all over again...just because it's so dreadful.

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Eulogy (2004)

1/10

You've got to be kidding me....

7 March 2005

Okay, based on the reviews I read here I went out and rented this flick.

I'm totally clueless as to why this film is getting such good reviews here. I consider myself a pretty savvy moviegoer and also as one who looks for the high points in every film I see.

Eulogy is a film where, in each frame, all the actors as a whole behave in the most atrocious ways imaginable. There are some pretty good actors in this mix and the fact that they not only have some of the most horrendous dialogue in the history of film but turn in their worst performances on celluloid should be considered a miracle.

Getting through this 85-minute mess required more patience than I've ever had to muster. I only made it through the whole thing because I wanted to be able to honestly say I saw this movie and it is all-the-way through horrible.

The chief offender here is not the director Michael Clancy (although for writing and directing this film there should be a special category at the Razzie's named for him) but Debra Winger. For someone that claims to have lost so much faith in the film industry and in women's roles she rears her head here in an almost unbelievably bad performance. There was one point in the film where I seriously considered the fact she was giving this performance on purpose so as to show us what Hollywood will film and release. If this isn't the case, she should be ashamed of herself and should be banished to making the rounds at "Urban Cowboy" conventions for the rest of her existence.

Kelly Preston doesn't know any better...she couldn't pick a winning film if her life depended on it. Ray Romano obviously is a limited television actor since what he basically does here is just a foul-mouthed version of Ray Barone. Hank Azaria is clearly slumming it and Famke Janssen (who I adore) shouldn't venture any further into comedy.

Even the great Zooey Deschanel looks embarrassed to be in this turkey. She knows this film is crap and, like Debra Winger, seems to be trying her hardest to be her worst.

In film, there can be characters that you dislike, don't relate to, and can't stand to see on screen. To make a film like Eulogy where even a birthday cake turns in a bad performance makes you wonder if the cast and creatives don't deserve some special commendation for film treachery.

This film is a pile. Avoid it.

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Jill Rips (2000)

1/10

Very misleading marketing....

27 July 2000

Warning: Spoilers

Okay, I rented this movie because of the director...he has made some interesting flicks in the past (if you haven't seen Waxork you are missing a fun ride). Anyway, I had my doubts about this movie from the beginning but I decided to suck it up and give it a look. It's bad. Very bad. If you haven't seen the movie and don't mind spoilers read ahead. First of all, the old saying 'You can't judge a book by it's cover' applies here. The box for this flick seems to indicate that Jill is the stone fox with long hair with highlights. The back of the box has a cool shot of the red-leather Jill and some other shots. The description makes you want to rent the movie because it SOUNDS good. You start watching it and suddenly you find out that the movie takes place (inexplicably) in 1977. Jill is a total dog who is not the girl on the cover. The movie is not quite as predictable as you would think...and that's not a good thing. Characters do so many stupid things without any modicum of motivation...it's embarrassing to watch. 10 minutes before the end of the movie Dolph and another lady have sex for no good reason. Also, what was the point of having Dolph kill this other lady in cold blood who had been helping him. Anthony Hickox the director should have seen a stinker when he read the script. Had it been set in the underworld of the new milennium and made the characters halfway intelligent it might have been decent. To set it in the 70's makes no sense and has no bearing on the story whatsoever. Avoid it!

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Mercy (2000)

3/10

I have one thing to say...

27 July 2000

As much as I love Ellen Barkin (who is really underrated) I have to boo this movie. If you can't tell who did it AND why in the first half hour you obviously have never seen a psycho-sexual thriller or have never watched 20/20. It's like the filmmakers and actors didn't care that they way they were shooting it and they way they were playing the characters would be a dead giveaway.

Overall, this movie serves to turn-on the dirty perverts who like to mix violence and sex. Not a fun movie to sit through, although if you like Ellen Barkin it's nice to see her place a tough lady.

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The in Crowd (2000)

8/10

Campy-Of Course, A Total Waste-NO

27 July 2000

First off, yes this movie is total trash...sleaze and camp to the max. But it's a lot of fun to watch. Most camp movies only stick around for 90 minutes or so...this one clocks in at almost 2 hours and while you may hate yourself the next day for shelling out the money for it...this movie still is strangely amusing when watching it. It's a dirty-old man movie, though, with lots of girl-on-girl action. If you can get past the pervy quality of it and enjoy the final catfight (and if you don't chuckle at all...there's something wrong) you will enjoy it. Give it a try...I'm sure it will be on video soon and that's where it will do better.

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The Practice (1997–2004)

Consistently the best

14 February 2000

How often can you say that one show is consistently on the mark? Every week "The Practice" makes you hopeful for the television drama. With eager performances, top notch guest starts, not to mention slam-dunk writing...this is a great example of the type of television we should hope for in the future. True, it is becoming a bit Perry Mason-esque in the fact that even though the clients are through and through guilty they 99% of the time get off. It's frustrating but not wholly untrue. Watch it and be amazed.

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Limbo (I) (1999)

10/10

A deft and unsettling film that packs a wallop.

3 June 1999

This is an extraordinary piece of work. The acting is excellent, the camera work superb, and the screenplay a true dream. These characters are so fleshed out by the end of the film you feel as if you are standing right next to them. While some may find problems with the ending, it only increases the enjoyment of the film because you have that much more to talk about afterwards. A true thinking movie. See it!

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Beloved (1998)

10/10

If you have the time and are willing to listen, this movie succeeds

18 October 1998

I don't know about the other person who saw this movie but the movie I saw was thrilling and compassionate. You need to see this movie in the right frame of mind. This is not a movie about slaves and slavery. It is about relationships. Relationships between mother and daughter, sister and sister, the dead and the living. It is a phenomenally successful movie on all accounts. True, the movie does slow down at points but it is necessary to carry it on to the next scene. You need to think to see this movie. It's not something you let pass over you, like 'Saving Private Ryan' it provokes deep emotions in you. It is violent and difficult to watch, but like Ryan it will give you much more than what you went in with.

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