Reviews

I found myself laughing a lot during "Beaver The Bunny," so I was surprised to go online and find that it's actually a widely disliked episode of the series. Sure, Beaver is a little too old to be wearing a bunny costume for a school pageant, but that adds to the comedy because he's more acutely aware of how embarrassing the situation is. I like how stressed-out the teacher is and how much of a sleazy, unreliable jerk Lumpy is. And, as A Christmas Story proved decades later, there's just something inherently funny about bunny costumes, especially when they're worn reluctantly.

So, no, this "Beaver" does not jump any sharks. I hate that term anyway

This is one of those odd cartoons which tend to stick with you from childhood. What I mainly remembered about it was Mel Blanc's Charles Laughton-type king, an overstuffed glutton with enormous lips and an insatiable demand for hasenpfeffer. When I revisited it as an adult, I was surprised to find how (relatively) recent it was. Clearly, this is a later-period Bugs Bunny cartoon. The whole thing looks and sounds a little chintzy and low-budget, not nearly as lush as the Looney Tunes of previous decades. But you know what? The darned thing still works, namely due to the acting and writing. Blanc is very funny in all three roles here (there are only 3 speaking parts, along with a couple of mute, bumbling guards who add some nice pantomime comedy). I especially liked the opening sequence, with Yosemite Sam making his way up the long, winding path to the castle and grumbling to himself the whole time. I guess the very idea of Sam as a royal chef is funny, since it's so alien to his nature.

Yes, you read right. "BOO" (1932) is a delightfully _unfunny_ little movie. How is that possible? Well, the narration is really, painfully lame... so lame, in fact, that it had me laughing hysterically. The narrator is just so darned enthusiastic, so sure he's being delightful, that you have to marvel at his blissful ignorance. After I saw "BOO," I couldn't help but imitate him. ("He's just like Congress!" "He's like a female automobile driver!") Add to this the "wacky" editing tricks -- endlessly repeated -- and you have the recipe for comic perfection. I think if I had seen this when I was 8 years old, I might have thought it was just about the funniest thing in the world. Seeing it as an adult, the movie's UNFUNNINESS is itself funny. It seems like a contradiction in terms, but you'll understand when you see it. You should have the DVD of "Frankenstein" in your collection anyway. Universal's done a beautiful job with it.

Okay, I'm an idiot. I'll watch *anything* with the words "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" in the title because of my respect and love for the original. But to quote John Lennon: "Children, don't do what I have done."

What a sad, stupid, miserable little husk of a movie this is. Please don't waste your time or money on it. Here's a sequel that manages to get all the little details wrong and all the BIG details wrong, too. You know you're in trouble when the Sawyer house looks messy rather than menacing and Leatherface looks like the third-runner-up in a drag-queen beauty contest for geriatrics. (NOTE TO FILMMAKERS: when your main "monster" looks this bad, the solution is to *never* let the audience have a good look at him. Keep him at the edge of the frame or in the background, you nitwits, not front and center!)

TCM4 manages to do the impossible: it makes the appalling TCM2 look good by comparison. Nearly everyone has commented on the moronic "X-Files" subplot already, so I won't bother. There is NO explanation whatsoever of how Leatherface got involved with this new "family." Who _are_ these people, anyway?

The ending makes no sense. NO SENSE! It seems specifically designed to enrage moviegoers. This movie will make you want to pull an Elvis and shoot out the TV screen.

This is one of the biggest stinkbombs of all time. Avoid it.

...it would have been a hell of a lot more interesting than "The Mad Monster." Here we have a werewolf perversely patterned after Lennie Smalls (Lon Chaney, Jr.) from "Of Mice and Men." Other than that, this is just a typical mad scientist movie. All the elements are there: a disgraced scientist hellbent on revenge, a basement lab filled with test tubes and one of those tables that you can strap people to, a big dumb henchman, a damsel in distress, a reporter, etc.

What sets "The Mad Monster" apart is that it is stupefyingly boring. Incredibly, impossibly, mind-numbingly boring. Other adjectives come to mind: slow, tedious, drab, plodding, dreary, dull, inert, lifeless, and did I mention boring? The director padded out the running time to 77 minutes by having the actors say their lines as slowly as possible. I'm sure virtually every scrap of footage that was shot wound up in the final print. Slow, talky scenes drag on and on for minutes at a time. It's the cinematic equivalent of Chinese water torture.

Regarding the acting of Glenn Strange: I wanted to throw a brick at the screen every time he started talking.

The back cover of the DVD says that "The Mad Monster" shocked the British censors and was banned for 10 years. Today, it wouldn't shock a three-year-old child. An episode of "Teletubbies" is much, much scarier than this.

I've never seen an Ed Wood movie I didn't enjoy on some level... until I saw this vile thing. The previous comment was right on the money. This film is so anti-erotic it's horrifying. Imagine the nightmare of seeing a bloated, groggy Ed Wood cavorting in his underwear with pimply, pale-skinned floozies who look like they were rounded up from the local VD clinic. I couldn't sit through more than ten minutes of this movie at a time. To survive one viewing, I had to take frequent breaks during which I'd watch something else to clear my mind of the awful images from the film. The movie is so aggressively ugly and difficult to watch that it could convince people to give up sex entirely... or at least give up watching sex films entirely. Unless you have a strong stomach, this film is unwatchable. Just getting through the hideous opening credits is a chore. One thing is certain: when it comes to sexploitation, Ed Wood was no Russ Meyer.

Rhino should be ashamed of itself for releasing this film to DVD under the title "Pretty Models All in a Row" and brazenly marketing it to Ed Wood fans. If the company really wanted to honor the memory of Ed Wood, they'd round up every print of this abomination and bury them where no one would ever find them again. The DVD also contains the entertaining Wood documentary, "Look Back in Angora," which is available separately on video.

If you simply must watch one of Wood's nudie flicks, please go for "Orgy of the Dead" instead. Even though Wood didn't direct that one himself, it has all of his signature touches... and it's a hell of a lot more entertaining than "The Love Feast."

While "Return to Oz" is an interesting curio, it pales in comparison to "The Wizard of Oz." The difference is simple: "Wizard" connected with audiences on an emotional level, and for the most part, "Return" did not. The sequel had more than a fair chance to become a hit; audiences simply rejected it. I can understand that fans of "Return to Oz" want to make a case for the movie, especially in light of its total commercial failure, but trashing "The Wizard of Oz" is no way to begin. Neither is disparaging Judy Garland. Garland's performance as Dorothy will linger in our collective memory long after the world has forgotten Fairuza Balk. That's an irrefutable truth. The best "Return to Oz" can hope for is a small cult following... and, frankly, that's all it deserves.

Boy, was "Sixth Sense" not the movie I expected. It's not your typical gory horror flick, and there are no scenes of people running for their lives from ghouls. No, this film is much more subtle than that. In fact, it's one of the quietest movies I can remember seeing. While most summer movies shout at you, this one whispers. And while most summer movies race from scene to scene, this one inches forward. Of course, sometimes watching this movie is like watching a glacier melt, but the ending makes it all worthwhile. (In fact, after the first viewing, you'll never have quite the same reaction to the movie. You'll know too much the second time. But the plot will make more sense.) Excellent acting all around, including an admirably subdued Bruce Willis and the talented Haley Joel Osment. Willis and Osment play off each other well. And I agree with whomever said Osment would've made a great Anakin Skywalker. Be forewarned: while there are a couple of light moments, this is a fairly serious and restrained movie. Those looking for a shock-fest are advised to look elsewhere.

Johnny Longbow is a man of prodigious talents. He can tell boring stories, make stew, list stew ingredients, shoot arrows, and did I mention tell boring stories? Johnny is one of the "ingredients" that make the "stew" that is TRACK OF THE MOON BEAST so darned tasty. Other ingredients include: the dumb blonde, the folk-rock band, the confusing practical joke at the beginning, and last but not least Paul the Moon Beast who kills a bowler and spends a lot of time stumbling around in a shirtless, sweaty stupor. What a guy... makes you cry.

Maximilian Schell plays a mopey, droning Hamlet in this rather awkwardly dubbed German TV production. The voice of Claudius is provided by Ricardo Montalban, who for some reason is not credited. Sadly, Claudius never does a soliloquy about "rich Corinthian leather" or "taco night at the Andersons." But that doesn't mean there aren't PLENTY of soliloquies to go around. More or less, this is just a lot of people dressed in black mumbling and walking verrrrryyyy slowly through sets so dimly-lit they make "Eraserhead" seem like "Mary Poppins" in comparison. A film to bring you down when you're feeling too cheery and upbeat.

Steven Spielberg's sister, Anne, directs this sorry little sci-fi flick, which will never get the full MST3K treatment it deserves. What we have here is a cheaply-made "prison escape" movie that just happens to be set in space. The grim, hollow-faced hero (b-movie veteran Jackson "I'm Not Barry" Bostwick) is convicted of a Crime He Did Not Commit (there's something new), and is sent to a fairly deluxe prison satellite called DS-3. Unlike most movie prisons, DS-3 offers free drugs, a clean and comfortable living environment, well-behaved inmates, and even female sex-droids (!) for conjugal visits, but as the movie's title demands, Jackson spends the entire movie planning his "Escape." Personally, DS-3 doesn't seem so bad to me, except for one mean guard who looks like Harvey Pekar and enjoys zapping the inmates with this remote-control-type device that can cause pain in any part of the body. (Neat!) Oh, and the prison uniforms look like yellow pajamas, plus the sex droids (called "pen pals") wear ridiculous clown makeup for no good reason. Other than that, DS-3 seems like an okay place to live. Jackson shouldn't be such a complainer. All he does is whine and moan from the moment he gets there. No wonder the guards don't like him.

Although the satellite (which looks exactly like a floating microphone) supposedly has hundreds of prisoners, we only see four of them during the movie, including Mr. Bostwick and the lovable Bubba Smith, not far away from the "Police Academy" movies. Boy, do we see a LOT of these four guys -- sitting four-across at the dinner table, tossing around a medicine ball in the exercise room, and constantly planning the "Escape" while being conspicuously inconspicuous. Fortunately, the DS-3 staff is quite slow to catch on to the plot. The staff would *have* to be pretty dumb, or they'd realize that _working_ at DS-3 is actually worse than being imprisoned there.

The "Escape" plan is really complicated, by the way, and 95% of the movie's running time is devoted to scenes of Jackson, Bubba, and the two others working out the minute details. This is even more dull than it sounds. In the end, it mostly comes down to chucking razor-sharp throwing stars at the guards (including the Harvey Pekar guy) and hijacking a conveniently-available ship.

Since the movie takes itself oh-so-seriously but is made oh-so-cheaply, it's an excellent source of unintentional laughs. All in all, a good rental.

Remember "Shaft in Africa"? Well, this is "Mitchell in Malta." Even though Joe Don's character is called Geronimo, we all know that this is really just a revival of his slovenly character from the MST3K classic, "Mitchell."

Once again, Joe Don Baker plays a hapless, overweight lawman who busts some sleazy Italian gangsters. This time, however, there's a lot of gratuitous female nudity thrown in -- the movie's only saving grace, if you ask me. Unfortunately, all the good stuff has to be edited out for television. What you're left with is a sluggish shoot-'em-up with a "hero" who's tough to like. In fact, he's *impossible* to like. For those brave enough to stick around, there are plenty of car chase scenes, plus a patently phony-looking bar brawl. And there's this one scene in which the bad guy dresses up like a priest and Mitch... er, I mean Geronimo chases him for what seems like three or four years. And poor Joe Don Baker just wheezes through these scenes, like he's five minutes away from going into cardiac arrest. Be sure to watch his milk-drinking technique.

Side note: Throughout the film, Geronimo keeps waking up in the same cell and passes through the same gate *so* many times that the movie comes to resemble "Groundhog Day." And guess who's the groundhog?

I don't want to spoil anything in this fantastic movie, so I'll just say: SEEK IT OUT. The CBC runs it every now and again, which is where I saw it. If you are a fan of David Lynch, John Waters, or just bizarre filmmaking in general, you will *love* this flick. It is often uproarious and occasionally poignant. One of my all-time favorites. Viva Steven Penny!

To me, the horror film genre peaked in the 1970s. Most of my favorite horror flicks -- "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," "Carrie," "The Exorcist," etc. -- were released during that decade. And "Massacre at Central High" deserves to be included with that select group of scary-yet-intelligent movies. They don't make horror movies like THAT anymore. Today it's all pop culture in-jokes and smug self-awareness, thanks to Kevin Williamson and the "Scream" franchise. But getting back to "Massacre at Central High," I first heard about this movie through Danny Peary's uneven but fascinating "Cult Movies" books. His recommendation caused me to search this one out, and I definitely wasn't disappointed. I'd really like to see it again, but I can't find it ANYWHERE. If you find it, for God's sake, RENT IT!

James Best (Rosco From "Dukes of Hazzard") plays an emotionally tortured clergyman who volunteers for a secretive government experiment in this tepid, badly-edited thriller. The other participants in the experiment are: a fat slob, a hillbilly woman, and a wimpy guy played by Gerald McRaney. They seem like normal (if annoying) folks at first, but they all have terrible secrets in their past. The government wants to put these people in something called the "E-Box," which looks like a big cubicle filled with lawn furniture. While inside, their darkest, most embarrassing memories are dredged up for the world to see. Of course, the experiment goes horribly, horribly wrong, and there's a lot of pain, suffering, and death in the last half hour of the movie. The rest is just a rather confusing series of scenes showing big office buildings and people in lab coats. There are about 372 shots of a swimming pool for some reason. If you love establishing shots, THIS IS THE MOVIE FOR YOU. They establish the HELL out of these scenes. The exact point of the experiment remains a mystery to me. Surely, there are cheaper and more efficient ways for the goverment to make people feel bad about themselves. So in summary, "The Brain Machine" -- rent it, won't you?

Claude Akins is a drunken, hurtful, abusive lumberjack who leads a pathetic, migratory life and socializes exclusively with miserable losers like himself. He's the hero (?) of this movie, which has the look of an el cheapo made-for-TV quickie. Hoyt Curtain, who did the music for dozens of Hanna Barbera cartoons, supplies the totally inappropriate background score. The cast includes such luminaries as Tab Hunter and Rosie Grier, but it's mostly about Claude Akins drinking, cutting down trees, getting into fights, and just generally being a disgusting slob. You'll cherish the scene in which Claude tells a hippie to get a haircut. No, really, you *will* cherish it.

I'm almost ashamed to admit that I found "Elizabeth" murky, muddled, and a bit dreary. So many people have praised the film so highly that I feel that there is something wrong with me for having left the theater utterly unmoved by what I'd just seen. Are the sets, costumes, music, etc. stunning? Yes. Is Cate Blanchett luminous and bewitching? Definitely.

"Elizabeth" is certainly a good-LOOKING movie. The trouble is, the script just doesn't present a cohesive storyline, and the characters fail to fully come alive. There is no passion beneath the movie's surface. I came away with no more insight into Elizabeth or her times then I had when I came in. The movie is simply a series of gorgeously-filmed events.

Made around the time of "Mondo Trasho," this is what Waters calls an "instant movie." He read about Diane Linkletter's suicide in the paper one day, gathered some of his friends, and shot a dramatic recreation of it that same day. In hindsight, this was a precursor to all those "E! True Hollywood Story" specials. It's even in grainy black-and-white, just like those so-called "dramatic re-enactments" we see on TV today. Essential viewing for Waters fans -- the credits alone are worth the effort of tracking it down.