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1/10
Awful
14 October 2015
Another reviewer has compared this unfavourably against Bride and Prejudice and I have to agree. The 1980 version is better and of course comparison with the 1995 one makes this appear like a bad amateur stage production. I confess I have yet to see the 1940 version but Lawrence Olivier is doubtless a superb Darcy.

The casting/acting is dire, I did not find a single character who appeared anything like those in the book (apart from the housekeeper at Pemberly and the incomparable Dame Judi as Lady Catherine). Darcy has become an effeminate wimp, Lizzy is little more than a girl, Mr. Bennet is now an old, American tramp, Mrs. Bennet looks like she should be living on benefits, Miss Darcy sounds and looks as though she is about 12 years old, Jane has clearly spent time at the hairdresser as her eyebrows do not match her blond hair, and so on and so on. I can only assume they looked at the 1995 TV series and tried to cast completely opposite in a vain effort to appear different.

The script is sadly far removed from the sharp, witty writing of Jane Austen. Worse still it is delivered in melodramatic fashion making it quite awful to listen to, without an ounce of wit or humour.

The film jumps from scene to scene so that the story does not so much flow as jerk along.

Do not waste your time on this poor (the highest praise I can offer) excuse for an adaptation. There are much better versions available.
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1/10
Total Nonsense
12 April 2015
This film will require that you suspend all intelligence and common sense. First you must believe that the USA will sacrifice the stability of world politics to save the life of the President. Second you must believe that the USA can elect another half-witted Ronald Regan as president who will give terrorists what they want at the first sign of violence. Then you will need to believe that all the secret service and police in Washington will stand up and be shot rather than falling to the ground and minimise themselves as a target so that they can shoot back before being killed. If you can swallow this nonsense then guess what -- there's a secret code that will allow the president to arm all the nuclear missiles in North America and allow them to self-destruct and wipe out the USA without any fail-safe.

After you've accepted all the failings in the plot you have to accept a range of characters who are little more than cardboard cut-outs. The bad guy who shoots and hits women, the hero who kills bad guys at the drop of a hat but proves his tender side by telling his nurse wife that he loves her, the traitor who is obsessed with destroying the US only to roll over and admit that he is wrong when dying and the women who do the usual and scream a lot and beg for mercy so the macho men can 'save' them.

I looked for something to redeem this but even the special effects are pathetic.
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Total Recall (I) (2012)
1/10
Don't waste your time
1 March 2015
This is a load of boring nonsense and doesn't even come close to the original. Amazingly the actors in this drivel make Arnie look like a top notch character actor. Watch the original it is a thousand time better. I really did try watching this -- I used to like Kate Beckinsale, she has done some wonderful stuff but this isn't any of it. It's difficult to come up with 10 lines to say how bad this is. After only fifteen minutes I found myself bored, I didn't care about any of the characters and if they'd all been assassinated by a heartless sadistic psychopath I would probably have been heartily relieved. Why the producers thought they could improve on the 1990 version I don't know. This is a prime example of special effects substituting for real substance in a movie which seems to be more and more prevalent in Hollywood. Perhaps they should remake Gone With The Wind with a happy ending casting Kate Beckinsale as Scarlett, Matthew McConaughey as Rhett Butler and set in a NY disco called Twelve Trees.
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1/10
Awful is praise indeed
8 July 2012
I am sure my 15 year old son would think this hilarious as would any other immature person under 25.

If you are looking for an even marginally intelligent romcom, look elsewhere. The only person that I know who swears as much as the characters in this film is a Glaswegian work colleague.

The humour is generally asinine and the jokes puerile. I would expect better from an actress of the calibre of Drew Barrymore -- I preferred her in ET.

I fear for the future of the planet if this nonsense can be regarded as watchable.
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1/10
Bad remake
17 June 2012
The only people who could think this a good film are those who have never read the book or the good film version. The screenplay is a typically awful Hollywood travesty which only goes to show the absolute dirth of writing talent in modern movie-land.

The acting itself isn't nearly as bad as the writing and I do think the cast would not have looked half as dire had they been given a script and an adaptation that was even half decent.

I would not recommend wasting your time watching this tripe, get the book and enjoy that instead. Alternatively get one of the other versions which, whilst not perfect are a hundred times better than this nonsense.
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Married to a Stranger (1997 TV Movie)
8/10
Enjoyable
20 February 2011
Warning: Spoilers
The story might stretch belief sometimes but that is the nature of fiction. In the end it is an entertaining film. The performances by the lead actors are all pretty decent and convincing; the story has a believable plot. Since this was apparently inspired by a true story it would be interesting to know what that was.

I think some of the other reviews are a little unfair. The husband isn't angry, just frustrated - as any man would be when the woman he loves can't remember him. The psychiatrist should perhaps be a psychologist and isn't as ethical as he should be, then again he finds himself falling in love so he could perhaps be excused.
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Coming Home (1998)
2/10
A Travesty
16 August 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Quite what the producers of this appalling adaptation were trying to do is impossible to fathom.

A group of top quality actors, in the main well cast (with a couple of notable exceptions), who give pretty good performances. Penelope Keith is perfect as Aunt Louise and equally good is Joanna Lumley as Diana. All do well with the scripts they were given.

So much for the good. The average would include the sets. Nancherrow is nothing like the house described in the book, although bizarrely the house they use for the Dower House looks remarkably like it. It is clear then that the Dower House is far too big. In the later parts, the writers decided to bring the entire story back to the UK, presumably to save money, although with a little imagination I have no doubt they could have recreated Ceylon.

Now to the bad. The screenplay. This is such an appallingly bad adaptation is hard to find words to condemn it. Edward does not die in the battle of Britain but survives, blinded. He makes a brief appearance then commits suicide - why?? Loveday has changed from the young woman totally in love with Gus to a sensible farmer's wife who can give up the love her life with barely a tear (less emotional than Brief Encounter). Gus, a man besotted and passionately in love, is prepared to give up his love without complaint. Walter (Mudge in the book) turns from a shallow unfaithful husband to a devoted family man. Jess is made into a psychologically disturbed young woman who won't speak. Aunt Biddy still has a drink problem but now without any justification. The Dower House is occupied by the army for no obvious reason other than a very short scene with Jess who has a fear of armed soldiers. Whilst Miss Mortimer's breasts are utterly delightful, I could not see how their display on several occasions moved the plot forward. The delightfully named Nettlebed becomes the mundane Dobson. The word limit prevents me from continuing the list.

There is a sequel (which I lost all interest in watching after this nonsense) and I wonder if the changes were made to create the follow on story. It is difficult to image that Rosamunde Pilcher would have approved this grotesque perversion of her book; presumably she lost her control when the rights were purchased.
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Made of Honor (2008)
1/10
Dire
3 March 2009
The premise is good but the storyline is awful. The 'quaint' Hollywood view of Scotland is sickening. If British film makers portrayed the US so horribly, their films would never get watched in North America. And the c**p about basketball being called netball... I played basketball in the UK forty years ago and it was called basketball. As for all the other nonsense about Scotland, it is so bad it really isn't worth wasting words on. The film would have been a lot more interesting if the Scotsman had been a hard nosed Glaswegian or an educated artistic supporter of the Edinburgh festival. Sorry but this is a major wasted opportunity with a weak screenplay, unbelievable characters and poor direction.
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Her Own Rules (1998 TV Movie)
5/10
Good actors save a dire story
21 December 2008
The portrayal of England is hysterically funny to any English viewer. The heroine appears to arrive in a bizarre parallel universe England of the 1930's wearing 1990s clothes and driving a 1990s car. One assumes that this 'quaint' view of the UK is intended to somehow appease a US audience whom the producers believe will know no better. The stereotypical stock US idea of English characters is frankly ridiculous.

In the opening scene for example. By the 1990s all English country stations were unmanned due to cost cuts and the idea of a railway employee who shuts doors without grumbling is hysterical. Then we meet the woman police officer called 'The Constable' who apparently knows all the local people - when the only ones she would know would be the criminals - and the police station she worked in would have dozens of constables.

Melissa Gilbert and her supporting cast do well with this nonsense and manage to salvage a watchable film out of a badly written screenplay and poor direction.
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