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Space Mutiny (1988)
4/10
Sequel, please!
8 December 2019
I keep hoping for a sequel. Without spoiling anything (the concept of a "spoiler" for this movie is odd anyway), they kept open the possibility of a sequel. Sadly, both John Philip Law and Cameron Mitchell are no longer with us. But whoever produces the sequel could get other actors for those roles. Reb Brown and Cisse Cameron are still around, and I suspect they aren't busy. Graham Clarke seems to be keeping quite busy, so he might not be available. Maybe a larger budget and a sense of nostalgia could convince him; otherwise, just get someone else to peroxide and spike their hair.

This time, a larger (and more intelligible) role for the Bellerians would improve the plot. But my favorite character in the movie was Arthur ("Can I help you?") Hall as the guy in charge of deep freeze. Give him more to do this time around. He is apparently still around, but according to hasn't been in anything since 1988. So maybe someone else will need to fill in for that role.

And I'm sure the Battlestar Gallactica footage is still available.
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3/10
Not great.
30 November 2018
The initial premise was interesting and implausible-a 9-year old grows a full mustache overnight. The first half-hour or so of the movie was fast-paced and cute; a little cartoonish, but it seemed like a broad comedy with the promise of some kind of moral. Then the plot got lost--and incredibly slow-moving. The resolution made no sense. Should we take pride in what makes us different? Or hide it? Or get rid of it and then get it back again? The writers came up with a cute premise and then frantically tried to figure out what to do with it. They never quite figured it out. (The movie included some good music, however).
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The Crooked Man (2016 TV Movie)
2/10
"The Ring" meets "Slenderman" meets a waste of time
21 October 2018
So toward the start of the movie, one girls asks, "Have you heard about the song that kills you if you sing it?" Hmm... substitute "video" for "song" and "watch" for "sing," and you have a used premise. And the Crooked Man himself bears a striking resemblance to another legendary figure that kills people. There IS something of a plot here-kids unwittingly unleash an evil force, it kills a bunch of people until the protagonists (this is NOT a spoiler alert) figure out a way to stop it, and then they do. Somehow, the fact that the production values are pretty good and the cast is adequate makes this even more frustrating.

I'm glad Michael Jai White made some pocket change for his blink-and-you-might-miss-it appearance. But they really didn't give him much to do. He didn't even take his shirt off.

(Well, I was at home with a cold, and it let me pass two hours without having to think. That's my excuse. If you watch this movie, what's yours?)
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Evil Nanny (2016 TV Movie)
1/10
You HAVE seen this movie before.
2 June 2018
(NOTE-This review contains no spoilers. I would have considered including a spoiler to be an act of mercy. However, the movie was so overly chopped up to make room for more commercials, that it wasn't even clear what happened at the very end. The only way I was able to find out was by looking on the Web for real spoilers).

This movie is completely dumb--overacted, all the subtlety of a sledgehammer blow to the head, with a plot that takes kernels of a potentially realistic situation and blows it up all out of proportion, miles past believability. But I don't watch a Lifetime movie expecting to find an art film. And I don't even need to read any spoilers to know what happens-an innocent (woman or couple-in this case, couple) trusts an innocent-appearing person (in this case, woman), who turns out to be evil, incredibly brilliant and conniving, and seemingly unstoppable, who victimizes the innocents and makes them fear for their lives (and/or the lives of their children). Through sheer grit and their own amateur detective work, the innocents think they have finally won, but in a horrible plot twist, it appears that they are in imminent danger, as the evil person is revealed to be completely psychotic and about to do something unimaginable to them, which she usually describes in detail (since in Lifetime movies, exposition is always a chief symptom of psychosis). But at the last minute, goodness prevails, and the evil, psychotic villain either dies, is jailed, or ends up in a mental institution. If the latter, she is seen smiling maniacally and perhaps talking to herself, her pillow, or a cut-out representing the innocent ex-victims against whom she has now pledged eventual revenge.

You HAVE seen this movie before-the characters and some plot details may be slightly different, but I promise you that you have seen it.

So, you may ask, why did I bother watching this movie? I can't help myself. And that's even dumber than the movie....
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The Ring Two (2005)
4/10
Not awful...but pretty disappointing
18 March 2005
Warning: Spoilers
This was not a terrible movie. I'm not sorry I saw it. And I had to see it--having liked The Ring very much (and I seem to be the only one alive who thinks it was as good or maybe better than Ringu), I was going to see this sequel in any event.

But I was disappointed. The Ring centered around the vehicle of the video and what happened to those who saw it. That was disposed of (literally) early in the movie (after an opening sequence in which the effect of seeing the video--or, specifically, of how to avoid dying after seeing it--was significantly changed from the first). The result is that the movie was basically about an evil presence who seeks to possess a child. That's fine, but not especially unusual.

I kept asking myself why Naomi Watts kept leaving her kid alone, or with someone who didn't know what was going on, when I would have expected her to cling to him as much as possible. And that scene with the deer--it was very scary and well done, but the point (so to speak) wasn't clear, at least to me.

Aside from the two main characters, no other characters were developed at all. When her hunky boss first shows up, it seemed as if they would develop some kind of love interest, or at least involve him in the plot some more--moving from being suspicious of her to being drawn into it, or something. But from the time we meet him until the time he dies, we know very little about him, and he doesn't have much to do except to be a good guy who wants to help but thinks Naomi Watts may be nuts and that she may be hurting her son.

Samara seems to be able to do all sorts of bad things now that she didn't do before. She gets around a lot, and apparently can make people do what she wants--like making the psychiatrist kill herself. If this had been explained, it would have been easier to take. (Maybe burning the video unleashed her powers or something...even something hokey like that...but at least try to explain it).

I really had the impression that the movie had been heavily edited and that large pieces of plot disappeared as a result.

David Dorfman was great. Naomi Watts seemed to sleep-walk through her role. And no one else had much of a chance to do much of anything. Sissy Spacek looks much better with dark, stringy hair, though. Somehow, it's a look that works for her.
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Cachorro (2004)
9/10
Great little movie...but no sex?
20 November 2004
This is a great little movie. I was pleasantly surprised that it avoided falling into predictability and that it kept the characters, including the prudish grandmother, three-dimensional. In some ways, her character is the most interesting--like Violeta and Pedro, we want to hate her, but ultimately she turns out to be neither truly "evil" nor fully irredeemable--but nothing in the plot forces us to come around to liking her, either. I appreciated the fact that the movie's gay characters are bears, and that this is largely unremarkable.

Other reviewers commented on the frank sex scenes. These appear to have been cut from the movie in commercial release--and the cuts were especially noticeable and choppy. They rendered at least a couple of scenes pointless. There is a little bit of irony in sitting in a theatre near the West Village, in an audience that was probably 90% gay men, watching a movie that focuses on a (very) sexually active gay man, yet finding myself "protected" from witnessing the movie's sex scenes.

For instance, the opening scene, which I understand from reading reviews and comments is fairly explicit, simply opens with three men in bed together, and Pedro telling the other two to hurry up because family is coming. The bathhouse scene shows Pedro and another man walking off together, and then a very choppy edit finds us at the next scene. We do see some kissing and fully-clothed groping, and Pedro and his friend from Paris rolling around in bed and later waking up and cuddling. I don't have a particular need to see erect penises (at least, not in movies), but I have no idea what else I might have missed with the editing out of these scenes. And, of course, more to the point, these are (or were) part of the movie, whether they make some people uncomfortable or not.

I don't know--perhaps these cuts may have been a necessary compromise to put the film in commercial release, but it still sucks (so to speak). I guess I'll have to wait for the release of the DVD to see the film in unexpurgated form. (And maybe it'll include some cool outtakes, too?--no, just kidding).
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8/10
Moving and disturbing
23 September 2004
Warning: Spoilers
This movie is modest, and certainly flawed in some respects, but overall very impressive, and very disturbing. I cannot speak to how accurately it depicted Colombia, or Medellin in particular. What struck me was that Fernando, brooding and cynical in his middle years (not "elderly"--please!), often bringing up his own wish to die, is at first reinvigorated by his relationship with Alexis--young, enthusiastic, seemingly almost angelic--but completely absorbed into the culture of death that surrounds him.

Fernando is disturbed by the anger and the callous, nonchalant attitude toward death and killing that he encounters everywhere he goes, and even in Alexis. But he is less disturbed by it as time goes by. And at times Alexis kills on his Fernando's behalf--for instance, shooting a neighbor about whom Fernando complains because the neighbor's late-night drumming keeps him awake at night. As Alexis's companion, Fernando himself is drawn into this culture of death. And at times, his own anger and his inability to keep quiet about his contempt for many of the people he encounters incite the situations that result in Alexis killing "for" him. This, to me, was a particularly compelling aspect of this film--the way in which Fernando, shocked and disgusted by the death and killing that surrounds him, becomes so much a part of it--and, at times, is even exhilarated by it, even as he sees the moral dilemma his "participation" in it represents for him.

When Fernando shoots an injured, suffering dog as an act of mercy--yet something which Alexis, so callous about killing people, cannot bring himself to do--he (Fernando) is so bitter and upset that he threatens to take his own life. When Alexis wrestles the gun from Fernando, the gun is lost; Alexis loses his protection and is soon shot and killed. By saving Fernando from himself, Alexis loses his own life.

Fernando later meets Wilmar, another teenager who at first seems so sweet and innocent that it seems almost jarring (to me, at least), when he later removes his gun. And, yes, it is a bit soap-opera-ish to learn later that it is Wilmar who had shot and killed Alexis, but when he explains to Fernando--who is ready to kill Wilmar when he learns that Wilmar is the killer--why he had killed Alexis, his answer seems so simple, and so devoid of emotion, that it is truly disarming--literally, in fact.

As disdainful as Fernando is of his countrymen, and as aloof of the anger, callousness and death around him that he pretends to be, in his attempt to regain his own life and happiness, he finds himself more and more a part of it. To me, that is what is so artfully, even masterfully, shown in this film. That is what makes it moving and disturbing.

And I thought the acting rocked.

Also, I cannot understand comments about how this movie is filled with gay sex scenes. There is a little bit of embracing, a little kissing, a few scenes of Fernando lying in bed with Alexis and/or Wilmar, and a lot of scenes of Fernando walking around town with one or the other of them.

I do agree that the English subtitles are pretty awful. My Spanish isn't good enough to have been able to do without the subtitles completely, but it is good enough to realize how much dialogue was missed, or poorly translated.
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