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Beentwoo
Reviews
The Perfect House (2013)
Why they tryna card me?
I went down to my local video store and picked this one up. The guy at the desk made me show him my ID before buying this. This is very strange because I've only ever been carded once before at this place (despite buying a bunch of rated R movies). The only other movie I've been carded for was a smut film called Lake Fear 2: The Swamp which ends with a pregnant nude woman being crucified upside down and the fetus is ripped out of her and thrown in a fire. So naturally, I thought I was in for a wild ride on this one. After watching it...I have no idea why I got carded. This movie is way more tame than others I've bought, but that's all besides the point.
Here's a list of notes I took while watching the movie:
After watching the opening scene, my friend said "I bet this guy kills that family because the dad threw out the guy's weed wacker." That turns out to be the actual motive.
A couple is in the market for a house. Someone forgot to tell the real estate agent that they aren't shooting a p*rno today.
At one point a brother and sister fight to the death. The girl wins...unrealistic. I appreciate the twist, but this would not be the outcome in real life.
Love the makeup work on the guy who got his eyelids cut off. Every time they show his stupid-wide gaze is hilarious.
It seems the writer of this movie hates women. Seriously, the women are called derogatory and misogynistic terms before getting killed in a brutal fashion. Like for real...where does this writer get off?!
Lake Fear 3 (2018)
What happened to pig man 🐖?
Huge fan of the first lake fear. The sequel "lake fear 2: The Swamp" was a huge disappointment as they used a different setting and cast of p*rnstars (It also featured one of the most heinous endings that has ever been put in a movie. I'm pretty sure owning this dvd got me on an FBI watchlist).
This movie had the potential to be great as it saw the return of the Crum Brothers. Their reunion with Shannon Sneeden is a huge help. Side Note: Crazy that they used a chunk of the small budget of this movie to pay for the surgery to augment her chest. I was excited to see Shannon Sneeden, but they killed her off so early.
There's a lot of unnecessary slow motion shots in this movie. I think it's because they only had 50 minutes of footage and had to slow it down to get over the one hour mark.
The road head scene was a weird inclusion. I'm not saying I didn't like...I'm just saying it was weird.
There's a sick moment when Vincent has to finger his arm hole to get the demons out. It works.
No shade to Josh Winch for this mess-the dude acted his a** off in this movie. No one can act as unphased to this stuff as him. He has the best reactions to getting sprayed. He gets sprayed like six times in 2 minutes and it's the highlight of this movie. I swear...I ain't lyin-this guy is a star. Just wish they gave him more one liners in this movie.
I think the biggest deficiency in this movie is the lack of pigman. Pigman was my favorite part of the first movie and they left him out. You would think the Crum brothers would have known cash cow (or cash pig rather) when they see one but apparently not.
I can't even tell you what happened in the second half of the movie. Some one forgot to set up lights in every scene. That is kind of the director's tactic for these movies.
It's a shame because I'm such a huge fan of the franchise. I hope for nothing but the best for the Crum's, but this is just bad guys.
Boar (2017)
Who was the Boar?!??🐷🤔
This movie is a classic who done it. We're led to believe that When there is a full moon a person turns into a boar and goes on the hunt. The person the story sets up is uncle Bernie. It turns out however that this is a mislead. Bernie actually isn't a wereboar. He is a human and the boar may just be a large boar (I'm not really sure). This twist changed the entire dynamic of the movie. Although, I don't think this mislead was necessary in the story. I mean if you're going to set up that there's a wereboar, why not follow through on it. The whole time I was just confused if I'm supposed to figure out who the wereboar is or if there is no wereboar at all and it's just a boar.
I kept thinking that the boar would grab a body in its mouth and puppeteer it to make people thinking it was a alive 'weekend at Bernie's' style so that way it could gain the trust of the humans and infiltrate their daily lives. I'm very bummed that a scene like this didn't happen in the movie.
Bernie pulls a sick trick while fighting the boar. He drinks a bunch of gasoline so when the boar bites into him he gets a bunch of gasoline in his stomach. Later on, the females try to
Light the boar on fire. But since they are so feeble, they're unsuccessful.
I was certain the Bernie was dead-he got absolutely mangled, but at the end (for no reason mind you) he comes walking out of the woods with another character who was swallowed earlier and for that fact it gets an 8/10.
Also where was the vampire?!?
Manhood (2003)
Nestor Carbonell in the role of a lifetime
Was pretty excited when I saw the cast of this movie. John Ritter is almost always electric and I loved Lost, so Nestor Carbonell was a welcome inclusion.
I don't understand why Nestor has to look after his nephew. The nephew is a 29 year old man, he doesn't need Nestor. Make him get his own place for crying out loud. No man should be sharing a bed with his adult nephew.
It's weird, a woman comes out of the closet and then gets murdered brutally. What was the director trying to say here?
The soundtrack feels like it was stolen from 'True Romance.' Side note: the soundtrack was my least favorite part of 'True Romance.
Project Purgatory (2010)
Why is Bucket hat guy not a main character?
My friend bought a 10 horror movie box set and this was on it. I don't know who mixed the audio, but it is a crime against humanity. Why does it seem like every single line is ADR?!
There's a scene where Finn tries to sexually assault a busty woman. He's unsuccessful as discount Matthew McConnaughey busts in and saves her. After Finn leaves though, it gets weird when he says "I saved ya darlin. Why don't ya repay me by loosening a couple of those buttons." This scene had me confused and conflicted. It threw into question who the hero really is.
Just a side note: there's an implication that Finn is a nazi fighting for the Arian race. Kind of a weird choice by the writer to make this part of his character.
I never learned the name of the bucket hat guy, but-yo, that guy's pretty based.
At one point a girl is crying about a relative who died and this is supposed to be a tense emotional moment. It completely fails at this. The acting is so poor, it plays as comic relief.
Yamaguchi's dead body is shown during a funeral service and it is tough to watch these scenes as I really liked Yamaguchi. It became even more brutal when I realized the actor, Garret T. Sato, was no longer with us. Rest In Peace Mr. Sato. You were gone too soon.
This movie took a move out of the 'lake fear' playbook by turning off the lights for the third act. Wow...great idea...I didn't want to see anything anyway.
I have no idea what they were going for with this one...maybe horror, but it plays as an action comedy. I really don't like this movie, I wish I could rate this a zero. But it does include a Mexican Stand-off, so...6/10.