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Reviews
Disparu à jamais (2021)
Is it France or Syria?
I dunno, maybe there was something "lost in translation" with this show. But with each episode I wanted everyone to die that much faster so it would just be over with. I couldn't work up a jot of sympathy or interest for Any. Single. One. Of these loser characters. Every character was more loathsome or stupid than the last. Lots of shouting. Lots of violence. Lots of angst. Lots of badly staged fight scenes. Is France really this awful? I doubt it. Maybe they could have set the story in Syria to make it all more believable. What's with the hangdog stoopy, sloopy, sloppy "hero" who's like a dopey pup for his suddenly absent ex-hooker girlfriend? Could no one tell this actor to stand up straight? Or his character to get some self-respect? You gotta wonder if this guy brushes his teeth. Why is it important for Inês to look like Sonia, and how is it meaningful that Nora took Judith's name? How are we supposed to believe that the actor playing Fred could ever have been a professional contender in the beanbag toss, much less tennis?? Even in the flashback scenes (of which there are far, far too many) this Fred guy looks like he just rolled out of a bucket of sick. It's all quite tedious by the end. Glad there were only five episodes.
Une mère parfaite (2021)
I couldn't take it
This was tedious to watch. It's only four episodes long... and that's five episodes too many. By the end of the fourth episode I was fast-forrwarding to shorten the torture. The acting by the two female leads is so flat and lifeless that it might be the real crime in this series. Mother Hélène's face rarely moves much, and she spends a lot of time speaking in breathless, whispered tones. The viewer suspects that Hélène may in fact suffer from Resting B Face all the time, not just when her daughter stands accused of murder. And what police force would tolerate her messing about in an investigation like this? It feels totally unrealistic and frankly I wish they'd put her in jail too. (How do you say "entitled Karen" in French?) As for daughter Anya, she evokes no sympathy even at the outset. She made bad choices, and bad things happened to her. But that alone isn't enough to make her character or predicament intriguing to the viewer. Other characters in this slow-paced melodrama the just felt irrelevant and pointless through the entire story. Does it really matter in every episode if Lukas gets to finish his exams on time? Were various hospital scenes exploring the complications from little Farida's face transplant surgery necessary? Tangents anyone?? There were some twists and turns in here--and the ending certainly turns the tables on Anya. But by the time you get to the end, you just don't care anymore. You just want it finished.
Files of the Unexplained: File: Haunting of Lake Lanier (2024)
A Tangled Mess
This episode would have been a lot stronger if it had started off with the atrocities inflicted on the African-American population of Oscarville, a bygone town hidden below the murky depths of Lake Lanier. That would have been a great launching point for the stories connected to various disappearances and drownings. Link the horrors of the past to supposed horrors of the present. Instead the show starts with a girl who thinks something briefly pulled her under the water... but who quickly got away unscathed "within a span of a few seconds" as she tells it. And she thought she saw something that looked like a fish. Brilliant!!! "Because," as she so neatly points out "You're in a lake." Oh also it made her asthma act up. Good to know! Uhhmm it sounds like her foot got snagged in a vine. And the show makes her sound like a dingbat. This is the most ominous thing they could find someone to recount? As we used to say in the news-writing business, "Don't bury the lead." Meanwhile the show rolls out the trope of ancient undiscovered Indian burial grounds. How about we see if a tribal representative has a comment on that? It seems nobody thought to ask them. But they did ask some random lady at the "last stop" of the Trail of Tears in Oklahoma how she felt about the forced migration of the early 1800s. What she knows or feels about hauntings at Lake Lanier is anyone's guess. But hey some Indians from Georgia got moved there, so throw it in. Is the number of boating accidents and drunk drownings at this lake statistically higher than other large boating areas? We see shots of scores of boats and swimmers along a congested lakefront. It certainly looks ripe for accidents. And as one guy points out from his rescues of "grown men that were out of shape or drunk" in his words, "That's not being haunted right? That's poor decision making." (Also he is from New York, home of hip-hop. Good to know!). Oh what a tangled mess we weave. I beg the producers to hire better editors and writers going forward.
Files of the Unexplained: File: Pascagoula Alien Abduction (2024)
Kuntree boyz 'n alienz
Wow is this first episode a week lead-in for the new series, or what? Well, yes, spoiler alert, it is. The producers or director decided to hinge this installment on two guys who sound like they fell off the back of a hayseed wagon. It's hard to take anything they claim seriously, even though they may completely believe it themselves. The viewer who hoped for a "meticulous" examination of an alien encounter isn't inspired with any confidence here. Nothing the episode presents attempts to verify or debunk their claims. Evidence? Pshaw! Who cares about that silly ol' stuff! The show just rehashes some thin yarn that folks roundabout Pascagoula have passed around since the 1970's. (And when it gets retold, they are sure to include lots of ain'ts, you know's, and references to someone's diddy.) Why, Darrel and Darrel even got a plaque erected in their honor down at the swamp. A tired-sounding narrator closes out the show with the utterly unprofound "Who knows what really happened on that river all those years ago?". One thing is for certain, this show won't do any thing to shed light on it.
Avgrunden (2023)
Supposed disaster film is underwhelming
Let's face it, a disaster movie needs to seem epic in order to register with viewers. That's kind of the entire point of disaster flicks. Otherwise it all just comes off as a thought exercise, a lame "hey what if we tried a little of This or a touch of That in the movie." Okay so a couple of dogs got jazzed up, someone died down a mineshaft, and a few blocks of this burg caved in. Meanwhile teenage rebellion keeps rearing its head to distract from the thin storyline. Yawn. We need a big rescue helicopter getting dragged down into a gaping maw of geologic death. We need a fire truck plunging into a cavernous entry to hell, sirens and lights ablaze all the while. We need a towering apartment block collapsing-as people hurl themselves from the.penthouse where they fled to seek shelter with an adorably curmudgeonly rich elderly recluse. Come on, the possibilities abound! The possibilities astound! Alas this film does not.
Noise (2023)
You'll be left wondering "Why...."
As in: Why did they make this movie? Why did they not explain any of the plot lines by the end? Why didn't I read the IMDB reviews beforehand and save myself from wasting time on this? Why, why, why.... If this film could be UNmade and then put back together again with a coherent story and wrap-up, maybe it wouldn't be half bad. The actors weren't terrible, but the story just kept wandering off point never to be resolved. Another reviewer described Noise as a hot mess, and that is spot on. Some of the elements could have been intriguing if only a writer, director or producer had insisted that they be tied together. Instead it's just a lame shame of a disappointment.
Vilsen (2016)
The Devil Made Them Do It
And I'm not talking about the characters in the movie - I'm referring to the people who made this monstrosity. That can be the only explanation for why this movie even exists. This film is SO bad, you'll feel like you need to seek forgiveness from the almighty for wasting two hours of your precious life on it.
This film leaves my immortal soul aching for the answers to eternal questions. Questions like:
- Is this the best that Sweden's film industry can do in the 21st century? If so, condolences to the Bergmans.
- What poor suckers bankrolled this disaster, can they get their money back?
- Why does every actor in this film look like a slovenly mess who got hit with the Ugly Stick?
- Who at Netflix thought this film was worth putting on the site? And why is Netflix raising my prices to show me cr@p like this?
Forgive them Father for they have sinned. But, dear reader, you can save yourself and skip this movie now and forevermore.