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XXX-man
Reviews
Veronica's Video (1997)
I was in the audience
I was a member of the live studio audience when this sitcom pilot was shot. Between takes there was a comedian who got up and bantered with the crowd. He was approximately ten times funnier than the show.
The details have gotten cloudy in my brain, and I can't guarantee total accuracy, but I remember that Corbin Bernsen played an abrasive video store owner (confined to a wheelchair, for reasons I don't believe were ever explained) whose estranged son showed up to work for him. Other characters included an obnoxious East Indian employee at the store who became the sworn enemy of Bernsen's son--in other words, he was set up as the character who will trade dumb insults with him for the duration of the show. And there was a cute young female love interest who, in the only remotely funny bit, unexpectedly reveals that she's a lesbian.
I remember that only one scene required a second take (do they always shoot sitcoms this fast?). And basically, it just wasn't funny. The jokes were nothing special, and there was little to distinguish it from hundreds of other mediocre sitcoms. As most of the action took place in a tiny one-room video store, it was hard to see how this show could have lasted long without falling into monotony. So I wasn't surprised at all that VERONICA'S VIDEO never got aired.
One final memory: At one point during the taping, the audience was admonished for not laughing enough, which should tell you something.
Kneel Before Me (1983)
Above Average
George Payne plays a newly married guy who starts having sick dreams that he's the Marquis de Sade. Wearing a black hood, he does horrible things to women while overacting wildly. He's so bugged by these dreams that he goes to a therapist in search of a cure. Let's just say it doesn't work at all. Much the opposite, in fact.
What we have here is a XXX film that's a bit overlong and monotonous, and in addition populated by actors who can't decide how to pronounce "Marquis," but overall it's a cut above the rest. George Payne is a vivid presence. Yes, he could stand to tone down the goofy facial expressions and so forth, but he really holds the screen, especially in contrast to the studied lethargy of the other actors. Plus, there's a fairly neat twist in the plot toward the end (how many XXX films can you say THAT about?). You also get to see Ron Jeremy, looking much like he does today, only slightly less heavy.
Overdose of Degradation (1970)
Overdose of Nonsense
Jennifer, played by a perky bad actress, wanders around a park while she tells the audience all about her sexual escapades. She's a wild and crazy hippie type ("I left more than my heart in San Francisco") who tells us that she became interested in sex when a perverted man tried to fondle her chest when she was a little girl. (WHAAAAAAT?????) Then she tells about a sexual encounter that went awry when her date began biting her.
Later on, she fills her bathtub with milk and climbs in. Then she gets raped by some idiot while walking through the park. She's rescued by a female friend, who takes her home and, weirdly oblivious to the fact that her friend JUST GOT RAPED, introduces her to the joys of lesbianism. All though this goofy movie we get brief (and lame) "psychedelic" interludes where lights flash on the screen and kaleidoscope patterns appear. Because, like, you have to appeal to those Summer of Love types. And I have no doubt they turned out in droves to see OVERDOSE OF DEGRADATION.
It's all fairly weird and tasteless--and really nothing special, all things considered. But the narration is entertainingly off the wall. At one point, Jennifer tells us that she still likes to come to the park, despite having been raped there, because (quote from memory) "girls get raped all over; actually, they get raped in the same place, just in different locations." I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.
Cinderella 2000 (1977)
Lame
***SPOILERS AHEAD***
Hey, how about an X-rated sci-fi musical based (albeit VERY loosely) on the classic Cinderella story? If you're like me, that sounds like a fun night at the movies.
Of course, if you're like me, that's why you so often end up watching stupid movies like this.
It starts out with the dopey title song playing over a credit sequence that looks like something produced by my circa-1980 Radio Shack PC. Then the plot kicks in. It's the future, where sex is illegal and everyone feels compelled to periodically break out in mediocre song-and-dance numbers and/or make bad sex-related jokes. Anybody who tries to break the no-sex law is interrupted by a robot that barges in shrieking, "Fornication without sanction! Fornication without sanction!" Will our heroes defeat the forces of prudery?
This thing was directed by Al Adamson, which should tell you something right there. Old Al didn't have the dimmest idea how to choreograph and shoot musical sequences, and so this movie tends to look like a bad school play performed by ten year olds. Somebody should have at least taught Al how to pan the camera when the actors temporarily move out of frame. Sets and costumes are all bottom-barrel sci-fi cheese. Songs are mostly tedious, with the possible exception of "We All Need Love," which has the ability to stick in one's head for, oh, I don't know, maybe ten minutes afterward. The non-stop sexual innuendo is juvenile and tiresome. Like most films of this type, it's not nearly as witty and randy as it's supposed to be.
I never thought I'd see a movie that came off like a poor man's version of THE APPLE (1980), but here you are. I liked THE APPLE; it's a fun bad movie, unique in its zesty insanity. Cinderella 2000 is just boring.
Suckula (1973)
Not bad for this kind of film
***SPOILERS AHEAD***
Scenes tend to run on way too long, but this early '70s XXX film is OK if you like sleaze with a jokey, playful manner. The framing device has a newscaster warning viewers of a vampire menacing Hollywood. We then see said vampire in action, attacking women who, it turns out, don't mind his company at all, if you catch my drift. At intervals the action is interrupted for humorous fake commercials, in the spirit of PUTNEY SWOPE. The narrator occasionally intrudes to apologize to viewers for "technical difficulties" (a funny breaking-the-fourth-wall joke on the film's lousy color-correction job and generally low production values). It's not incredibly witty or anything, but it's pleasant.
Cucumber Castle (1970)
Silly
***SPOILERS AHEAD***
If you're reading this, you're probably a Bee Gees fan who's wondering what on earth "Cucumber Castle" is all about. As one of the few people who has seen this thing, allow me to clear up a few mysteries.
This is a hour-long TV-movie from the UK starring the Bee Gees and various colleagues. It's a whimsical, intentionally silly look at the medieval era, featuring Barry and Maurice as princes out to foil some kind of plot to steal the crown...I'm a bit fuzzy on the details, and the plot hardly matters anyhow. Along the way, they perform several songs that, because I'm not a fan, I can't identify for you.
A lot of the jokes are too goofy by half, but it does have its amusing moments, the high point probably being Lulu's absurdly anachronistic performance of "Mrs. Robinson." At the end of all this, we're treated to footage of a Blind Faith concert. I forget why Blind Faith is in this film, but I believe this is supposed to be their only TV appearance.
It's not a classic of any kind, but it's sometimes fun. Be warned that Barry and Maurice appear in this wearing ridiculous-looking tights.
Meet Marlon Brando (1966)
Hi, Marlon
***SPOILERS AHEAD***
A half-hour documentary featuring Marlon Brando on a press tour for one of his films. Marlon's really Mr. Personality in this movie: he's witty, personable, intelligent--you can see how he got so famous. One reporter comments that he's hardly the typical "ugly American." He even speaks French! Brando's political concerns also come to the fore; he comments briefly on the plight of the American Indian, and--during an interview conducted in the street--grabs a black woman nearby to get her opinion on racism and the U.S. government. Worth watching, if you can find it.
The Divine Obsession (1976)
OK '70s porno
***SPOILERS AHEAD***
An actress comes to New York to hit it big, but after experiencing brief success, she gets involved with a lot of sleazy men and her life goes to pieces. This is directed by "Louis Su," the pseudonym Lloyd Kaufman (Troma) used when he made X-rated films in the '70s (during one scene you can clearly see a poster for Troma's SUGAR COOKIES on a wall). It drags on too long, but it's not too bad for this sort of movie. The plot is slightly more elaborate than usual, at least. Highlights include a strange food-fight sex scene, and the ending is memorable, with the heroine blowing her brains out with a gun while performing at a strip club. (After this there's a weird epilogue where we're told she really died all alone at age 83. Not sure what to make of that....) The cast includes Terri Hall as one of the actress's girlfriends.
Shotgun Freeway: Drives Through Lost L.A. (1995)
Lost L.A.--found
***SPOILERS AHEAD***
This is an interesting documentary about Los Angeles--not brilliant, but it has some fantastic anecdotes. Novelist James Ellroy, who looks and acts like R. Crumb on acid, yaks about his wild-and-wooly youth and his fascination with the Black Dahlia. Director John Milius shows up to comment on surfing and to joke about the nuclear destruction of L.A. (he makes a cruel crack about Michael Eisner waking up to find the planet in flames and crying, "But I had a destiny!"). On the downside, there's too much time devoted to left-wing historian Mike Davis (later the subject of a devastating expose in the L.A. TIMES about his "creative" interpretation of history), who complains that there are too many white people in Los Angeles. People like him, in other words? But overall the movie is worth the trip.
Let Me Die a Woman (1977)
Unbelievable
***SPOILERS AHEAD***
A bizarre, amazing documentary about transsexuals. If you watch this, you will learn more than you ever wanted to know about sex-change operations. This movie is a classic example of Too Much Information. You've got a doctor who soberly informs us about the psychology and physiology of sex-change candidates. He stands next to them with a classroom pointer and indicates various regions of their anatomies. There are a LOT of "reenactments" of episodes from the lives of transsexuals--this means quite a few sex scenes. You also get a few silly episodes where a "woman" takes off her clothes--and we see that (gasp!) she's not entirely a woman. One especially memorable scene features an unlucky transsexual who has sex too soon after his/her operation. There's also brief but horrifyingly graphic footage of a (real?) sex-change operation. Maybe I took this movie in the wrong spirit, but I was laughing all the way through it. The narration is priceless.