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Road House (2024)
I watched this movie so YOU don't have to. You're welcome.
Just watched the totally pointless remake of Road House. God only knows why director Doug Liman threw such a fit over it going directly to streaming. If it had been released to theaters, it wouldn't have made it through a single weekend. It's a woeful comedown from the man who brought the first Bourne movie and Mr and Mrs Smith to the screen. My one word review would be simply, Random. The characters motivations are random. The fights are random. The music is random. The plot, such as it is, is random. Having a pre-teen girl as one of the main characters is random. Rapper Post Malone appears early in the movie and he should never be allowed to take off his shirt in public again. NO ONE should be forced to see tattooed man-boobs. The notorious MMA fighter Conor McGregor makes his first movie appearance as, essentially, a bearded cartoon. Think a bowlegged Roadrunner or Tasmanian Devil. Gyllenhall sleepwalks through his part although he can thank the producers for paying for his weight training. He is CUT. Nowhere do you see the quirky madness that Ben Gazzara brought to the villain in the original. Or the beauty and sexuality that Kelly Lynch brought. Or the humor and rough wisdom of Sam Elliott. I watched this movie so YOU don't have to. You're welcome.
Napoleon (2023)
This movie lost BEFORE Waterloo
Saw Napoleon at an early morning screening--and left after 2 hours (it runs just under 3). As the title character, Joaquin Phoenix gives one of the worst performances by a professional actor I've ever seen. He seems overwhelmed by the costumes and pageantry, coming across as stiff to the point of a waxen figure. The speeches are rendered ln the voice of a frightened 5th grader reciting the Gettsyburg Address. Phoenix doesn't have a single believable--or lifelike, moment in the movie. Vanessa Kirby, who's a fine actress, does as well as she can as Josephine, playing against the deathly awful Phoenix. The battle scenes are, per Ridley Scott, thunderous. But why Scott allowed Phoenix to play Napoleon as a sleepwalker is something the box office will answer. Save YOUR money.
Darby's Rangers (1958)
Should have been titled Darby's Romeos
Filmed on the Warner Brothers backlot for about $3.50, this super-cheesy embarrassment has the juvenile sensibility of a beach blanket movie. Much of the film involves horndog soldiers drooling over their various lovers. The script is filled with howlers like the Jewish sergeant Saul (played by Jack Warden!) translating a Hebrew phrase as "from the Jewish." James Garner, in his first starring role, is suitably sober but father-like as Col. Darby. Warden does his reliable sidekick part with professionalism. Scattered through the film are a number of Warner Brothers contract player like Edd Byrnes and a very young Peter Brown. Stuart Whitman has probably the only role of depth as a conflicted (naturally) former pro gambler who falls in love with an upper class Englishwoman. Normally a fine director, William Wellman seems to have directed this movie from the easy chair in his trailer. This movie is a dull, silly effort. Avoid!
The Woman King (2022)
You've seen this movie a dozen times
Just came back from seeing The Woman King and, sadly, it's a disappointment: slow, corny, diffused. Instead of exploring the roots and formation of the Dahomey Amazons, it follows the cliched template of military recruit training film: bring together trainees from divergent backgrounds, always including one who is a born leader but arrogant and reckless. Their leader is a tough taskmaster, played by the glowering, no-nonsense Viola Davis. Add in some soap opera elements: dark secrets from the past and a forbidden romance. Add two subplots--about slave traders on the Coast and a royal skullduggery, and pour onto the screen. There ARE several good fight scenes. But for the rest, it may as well be Drill Sgt RIchard Widmark in Take the High Ground.an.
The General's Daughter (1999)
A misfire from first scene to last
The General's Daughter is one of writer Nelson DeMille's strongest novels: a clever, darkly witty murder mystery about relationships, military culture and trying to recover from past mistakes to build a new future. There is virtually no violence, only brilliant detective work, smart characterization and tart dialogue. But from the jump, the movie blows every bit of that to pieces, turning into a confused and incoherent action flick. The movie is stupidly, unnecessarily violent. It's badly written (so bad that Travolta's character inadvertently turns himself into a murder suspect--and then it's ignored.) The dialogue is leaden rather than flip and fast-moving. The flirtation scenes between Travolta and Madeline Stowe are particularly painful. They were key moments in the book and are sorely missed--and mishandled, onscreen. The casting is dreadful. Stowe is too old for her character and Timothy Hutton too young, weak and slight to play a veteran MP commander. James Woods seem to be channeling Paul Lynde as the fey, twitchy commander of the murder victim. As the father of the victim and the commander of the Army base, James Cromwell plays a bully rather than a grief-stricken father. And most egregiously, the brutal motivation behind the murder is very nearly obscured. This is a shockingly lousy movie.
The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)
Wash this movie's mouth out with soap
Just watched this movie again on cable after first seeing it in the theater and it cleared up something I thought at first viewing. From the late onset Tourette Syndrome period of Scorsese's career, he could have shortened an over-long film by about 45 minutes while vastly improving it by cutting about 550 of the 569 obscenities. You'd still have the wonderful comic performances of DiCaprio, Jonah Hill and Matthew McConaughey and lots of T&A. As it is is now, and please Lord let there never be a Director's Cut, the only thing that it'll be remembered for in the future is introducing audiences to the luminously talented Margot Robbie.
The Many Saints of Newark (2021)
Only for Sopranos fanatics
Although well acted, Many Saints is an unfocused, rambling, rather overlong trip down a well-traveled Sixties lane, complete with the requisite oldies soundtrack. Vera Farmiga is unrecognizable as Tony's mother, Ray Liotta plays two brothers and handles both jobs well, Michael Gandolfini, Jame's son, shows promise as the young Tony, although as photographed he has a very odd, waxy face. He looks rather like the CGI versions of the young gangsters in Scorsese's The Irishman. In the end, the movie doesn't reveal much about the NJ gangs and leaves you wondering exactly what attracted David Chase to the project, other than a paycheck.
Vertigo (1958)
A "masterpiece" of goofiness
The story is that Hitchcock blamed the failure of Vertigo on James Stewart's age. What he should have blamed was a monotonous, nearly wordless script that had Stewart glooming around San Francisco for over 2 hours. As to the famous twist involving Kim Novak, the less said the better. It's not so much a twist as a full header into an empty swimming pool. Any critic who deems this a masterpiece should be condemned to 5 years of reviewing Will Ferrell movies exclusively.
The Little Things (2021)
Sleepy time in LA
Denzel Washington looks awful, dead-eyed and fat, Rami Malek is easily the ugliest actor in America and evinces no personality whatsoever and if Jared Leto ever shows up in this movie, it was long after I lost patience. The story of a disgraced cop drawn back to an old case is cliched times 200. This is a bore. Avoid at all costs.
I'm Your Woman (2020)
Someone teach this woman about childcare
Stultifyingly dull movie. From the baby who cries constantly to pregnant pauses in the dialog even to the sloppy dashes of violence,--dull. At the end of the movie, all the secrets are revealed, no one cares, the baby is likely to start crying again and the heroine puts a stolen car in gear. Yawn. Give this movie a wide berth.
Dragged Across Concrete (2018)
Lowest level of dreck
Ugly, stupidly and excessively violent, dumb, incredibly slow, this is a disgusting waste of time. Shot in the muddy digital popular with B movie action directors, brainless beyond comprehension, with a final confrontation that's goes on longer than most movies, this is junk of the most deplorable, degraded kind.
The Burnt Orange Heresy (2019)
A lot of chatter about Blue
Let me say first that The Burnt Orange Heresy is possibly the worst title for anything--book, film, race horse, I've ever seen. I know it's the title of the book the film is based on and it doesn't matter. It's awful. Second, I've read this film described as being about a "heist." When you think "heist," you think hoodlums, action, movement, guns, chases. You're not going to see that in this movie. What you do have is a great deal of intelligent, if meandering, talk about art and identity. There is a swirl of inexplicable, even nonsensical, violence at the end, but it's unearned and comes out of left field.
The acting is very fine. Elizabeth Debicki does a wonderful job--intelligent, warm, tough-minded when it's called for, mysterious and charming. Debicki's final scene bristles with chilling intensity. Her partner in the film, Claes Bang, is equally intelligent and well-spoken as a pill-addicted art critic. He's also about 15 years too old for the part of a "young boy.". Donald Sutherland is as warm and charming as Debicki, playing as an aging, reclusive painter. The scenes between the 2 of them are some of the best in the movie. MIck Jagger holds his own as a silky, slightly threatening, millionaire art critic.
It would be the farthest stretch to call the movie a heist film. It bears no relation to the genre. Rather it's a talky, languid, well-acted film about secrets and Art.
Den of Thieves (2018)
B movie sleaze
Den of Thieves is a crude, sleazy B movie remake of Heat, with an overweight Gerard Butler in the Pacino role and someone named Pablo Schrieber haplessly trying to fill DeNiro's shoes. The rest of the cast is a faceless batch of B listers, acting butch. A really repulsive movie where it's nearly impossible to tell the cops from the crooks, since both crews are equally greasy, tattooed and foul-mouthed. Avoid!
The Girl in the Spider's Web (2018)
Another American miss
For a confused action movie, this one isn't bad. It's chockfull of fistfights, car and motorcycle chases, explosions and gunfights. It's only missing two very vital things: a reason to exist and an interesting leading actress. Skipping over the two sequel books and movies, this one takes its generic plot from a fourth book not written by the late Stieg Larsson. In doing that, it dumps Larsson's harsh critique of male privilege--and loses its relevance in that devil's bargain. The very biggest deficit in the film is the same one that dogged David Fincher's Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: an actress that brings the fierce, feral, sexual Lisbeth Salander to life. Neither Rooney Mara nor the star of this film, Claire Foy (who looks rather like Audrey Hepburn with a nose ring) have come close to original star Noomi Rapace's ferocious performance. The key failures in Foy's performance are allowing Salander's punk/Goth look to be laughably sanitized and an interpretation leaving the character reactive rather than active. Foy spends most of the film looking wide-eyed at what's happening to her. She's not helped by the unknown, pedestrian actors that people the film. Or the drab grey and white cinematography. (Is there NO color in Sweden?) But if you're looking to kill a couple of hours watching people race to fight and blow up stuff in Europe, this one will do the trick for you.
Widows (2018)
A heist thriller with no thrills
Last night I was reading an interview with two outraged critics, questioning the sense of American filmgoers who weren't turning out for this movie. One of them described the film as "poignant." Not action-packed, not suspenseful, not funny, not clever. (The similar Ocean's 8 was all of these.) But poignant. Frankly, I don't think moviegoers go to a heist movie to grab their hankies in tears. The reason the audiences have been slim for Widows is it's muddled in its narrative, dreadfully slow and not terribly clever, with at least one subplot too many. Some of the performances stand out: Elizabeth Debicki is excellent as a woman torn between survival and salvaging her dignity. Broadway star Cynthia Erivo gives a fast, fun, riveting performance that is a complete flip from her excellent work in the otherwise execrable Bad Times at the El Royale. Viola Davis mourns dramatically. And Colin Farrell gives his best performance since the very early days of his career. But acting won't save a movie that drags its feet this badly. It's a shame, too. The idea had great promise.
Hemingway & Gellhorn (2012)
Great look at these reporters and their relationship
First of all, let me say how incredibly funny--and offbase, the criticisms of this film are. Crankiness about the acting and script, in particular, are hilarious. Except for being about 30 pounds too light for his part, Clive Owen perfectly captured Ernest Hemingway. He was brave, a braggart, a bully, an unabashed adulterer and he did mistreat John Dos Passos during and after the Spanish Civil War. Nicole Kidman as Martha Gellhorn also did a fantastic job as the hardworking, courageous Gellhorn. (BTW: the priss who objected to her sexiness in pants was laughably wrong. Gellhorn did, in fact, catch Hemingway's--and many other men's eye with her long legs and looks.) After having read several Hemingway biographies, I'd say this is a pretty accurate look at the pair, minus a few points for some Hollywoodisms. For example, Mary Hemingway was asleep in another room the morning Hemingway committed suicide. All in all, a terrific film and it's best to ignore the silly carping of the critics, particularly those who MISSPELL HEMINGWAY'S NAME when it's in the title of the film . One "m," people.
Hell or High Water (2016)
Shaky grasp on the fundamentals
When a film that is loudly and ostentatiously set in Cowboy Texas is actually filmed in neighboring New Mexico you know the director has a shaky grasp on his materials.
When I saw Hell Or High Water in the theater I thought it was about two alcoholic idiots who sit on porches drinking beer before going out and committing violent acts. Seeing it recently on cable tv I realized it's actually about THREE alcoholic idiots who sit on porches drinking beer before going out and committing violent acts. Pine and Foster sling credible Southern accents, which is astonishing in a Hollywood film. Jeff Bridges merely regurgitates the accent and attitude of his last two movies, Crazy Heart and True Grit. (It was wearing thin in True Grit.) There are a number of good, funny, evocative lines in the film, most of them spoken by passers-by. The final scene is, however, a standout. It comes about an hour and thirty-nine minutes into a movie that runs an hour and forty-two minutes. The soundtrack is a good one. Watch the trailer, buy the soundtrack is my advice.
Hostiles (2017)
Taking a long walk toward no place special
As a child of the Sixties, I watched a lot of Westerns, from 30 minute tv shows like Have Gun, Will Travel to the hour long Bonanza and Gunsmoke. I saw the Hollywood films of Howard Hawks, Robert Aldrich, John Sturges and later, the Italian-based movies of Sergio Leone and Clint Eastwood. So as I was watching Hostiles, the new film by Scott Cooper, starring Christian Bale, Rosamund Pike and Wes Studi, I kept thinking that Sturges or Aldrich could have told the same story in 90 minutes instead of 2 hours--and made it move. Because this film is verrrrrry slow and more than a little episodic: Every 30 minutes there's an act of random violence followed by scenes of riders walking their horses through gorgeous Western vistas or setting up then breaking down their campsites. That's the movie. As a woman whose family is wiped out by a group of renegades, Pike does fine work, though oddly the costume department decided to purchase her wardrobe from a fashionable, high end Western wear store. As a hard-bitten cavalry officer on the verge of retirement, Bale mostly grunts, glowers or poses against those same majestic vistas. And Wes Studi, playing a dying but stoic Cheyenne chief, is allowed the occasional cough to remind us he's sick. All in all, despite the scenery and Pike's performance, it's an interminable slog.
Lady Bird (2017)
Seen it already
As a general rule, I don't care for coming-of-age movies. Having already done that myself, I find little reason to pay to do it again. However, led by the reviews of Lady Bird, the fine actresses Laurie Metcalf and Saoirse Ronan, and the charm of writer/director Greta Gerwig, I took a shot. I should have waited for it to play on cable. I've seen this film before. You've seen this film before. Pretty much anyone who saw Ghost World or Juno or Thirteen has seen this movie: rebellious daughter fights with her mom, Take 30. Ronan and Metcalf are fine. Gerwig handles her material and cast professionally, though with the actors she assembled that's hardly a surprise. The cinematography is dull and a little under-lit, though, which leaves the film with an overall bland, generic look. There are a few bright scenes scattered throughout the film, particularly towards the end. But overall, it's not a terribly interesting movie.
Marshall (2017)
Dynamic performances raise this film to above average
Chadwick Boseman continues his fine string of charismatic performances portraying historical characters(James Brown, Jackie Robinson)by taking on the young Thurgood Marshall, later a Supreme Court Justice and the first African American in that position. He's ably abetted by Josh Gad, playing his reluctant co-counsel, Sam Friedman. Boseman and Gad have a terrific chemistry, bristling with energy, tension and humor. The film portrays a 1941 case early in Marshall's career as the only lawyer working for the NAACP. The only debits are a pedestrian script and the dully competent direction. Still, it's good look at the bigotry facing African Americans in the US and the performances by the leads are a treat. I hope some enterprising producer bring Boseman and Gad back together on screen soon.
The Legend of Tarzan (2016)
Can we brng back Johnny Weismuller now? Or Lex Barker?
When they were building up Alexander Skarsgard's six pack for this film, director David Yates should have spent some time building him a personality, too. Skarsgard's Tarzan is a blankfaced, lank haired cypher--who loses most of his fights. Sadly, Skarsgard's dreary personality matches the film's. It's a long, slow exercise in tedium. The CGI vine swinging is nearly as cartoonish as the Spider Man movies. Christopher Waltz and Samuel L. Jackson drop in their usual, never-changing, tiresome schtick. Jackson, in particular, needs to go back to acting school to work on his craft. Margot Robbie is particularly mistreated. One of the most beautiful and stylish actresses currently working,Robbie is saddled with a generic American accent and spends most of the film damp and bedraggled. While not the travesty that Bo Derek's Tarzan the Ape Man was, it's still a waste of time.
I Do... Until I Don't (2017)
A sad failure
For fans of Lake Bell's "In A World" (and I'm one of them) who have been waiting for her to produce another comedy at that level, "I Do...Until I Don't" will prove to be a seriously sad disappointment. Trying for a Christopher Guest (Best Of Show) type documentary satire, Bell flops on every level. The film is pointless, shapeless, aimless. Very early in this comedy about marriage, Bell loses track of the story and it wanders blandly between three couples. And despite the cast of accomplished comedic actors, which includes Mary Steenburgen, Paul Reiser, Wyatt Cenac and Ed Helms, it has perhaps 2 laughs and 2 good scenes. Finally Bell, who takes the lead role, has completely wrung dry her stammer-and-stumble acting schtick. I don't think she finishes a complete sentence in the entire movie. I still have hopes for a good Lake Bell comedy. It's just that this one ain't it.
Atomic Blonde (2017)
If you enjoy long walks in Berlin...
Charlize Theron makes a dynamic action figure in the fight scenes, which are as brutally imaginative as you'll see in films today. In between those fistfights, she mostly spends her time striding the streets of Berlin like it was a fashion runway or smoking moodily in her hotel room. Those scenes are sadly reminiscent of Angelina Jolie's "Hey fellas, look at these cheekbones" scenes in the incredibly dull The Tourist. James McAvoy is splendidly seedy as her British contact. Between them, they make a modestly enjoyable B movie. But that's all it is, a B movie.
The Hitman's Bodyguard (2017)
1100th time I've seen this idea on screen
A tired, tiresome "action/comedy," one whose idea has been done hundreds, if not thousands, of times. It's insultingly stale. Samuel L. Jackson has wrung the "loud, cursing, angry guy" schtick dry as a bone. Though he hasn't been working as long, Ryan Reynolds is about two steps away from the same trap with his motormouth "comedy" bit. Other than a couple of car chases and two or three well-written jokes, the script is dreadfully dull and unimaginative. I saw it at a matinée and left feeling cheated and angry. Avoid!
The Hateful Eight (2015)
Deathly bore in the snow
After Django Unchained and now, The Hateful Eight, I'm convinced Quentin Tarantino only makes Westerns so he can use the N-word with impunity and suggest it's "historical accuracy," rather than blind racism. Tarantino is now the Leni Riefenstahl of the KKK. H8 is a rancid stew of racism, misogyny, sexual violence, bad Southern accents and worse acting. Once upon a time, QT's strengths were his direction of actors and his dialogue. Both seem to have died snowblind in this Wyoming blizzard. Whether it's Kurt Russell's blustery ripoff of Jeff Bridge's Rooster Cogburn or Tim Roth's twittery Brit (what were you thinking, Tim?) the acting is universally dreadful. Jennifer Jason Leigh's Southern accent is the worst I've heard since Kevin Costner tried for N'Orleans and flopped. And even Walton Goggin's, who rose to fame as Appalachian white trash in Justified, inflates his accent to the over-ripe. The dialogue is mostly Russell bully-blustering the other actors or endless drippings of Southern fried N-droppings. (In one exchange between Bruce Dern and Goggins, it's tossed back and forth something like 7 times.) Tarantino somehow managed to fail the simple task of creating believable character names. They're either ludicrously unpronounceable (Daisy Domergue; Marquis Warren) or ostentatiously silly (Oswaldo Mobray). And QT has managed to take modern special effects (key to an action movie) to new lows of ineptitude. In the various shootings, the blood seems to wash in waves from the victims, from balloons over-inflated with dollar store red paint, then exploded with firecrackers. For most of his career, Tarantino seemed an unusually gifted, if emotionally arrested artist too easily drawn to the juvenile. Now the juvenile emotions seem to have taken complete hold and left him with an empty bag and no way forward. From the evidence of his last two or three movies, "no way forward" may be a good thing.