Reviews

Don't let the title confuse you. John Tucker does not die, though I can't say how thrilled I would have been if this event were to have come to pass. No, as fate would have it, nobody dies in this movie. In fact, the only people who end up close to death by the end of the movie are the audience, who, in all likelihood, will be scrambling about in the theater, desperately searching for something pointy to impale themselves with.

Yeah, its that bad.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't walk into this movie expecting to see something that was Oscar-worthy. Hell, to say that I even walked in willingly would be a lie beyond comprehension. However, after the suggestion from my sister, who compared this movie to "Mean Girls," I thought I'd go check it out.

"Mean Girls" this move is definitely not.

If anything it plays out like a sub-par episode of Salute Your Shorts, where everyone on the screen knows the stereotype of their character and exploits it to no end. There's the nerdy girl, who's way too hot to be nerdy, but apparently not too hot to develop complex computer programs to plan John Tucker's demise, or get her hands on oober expensive spy equipment to sneak a peak at Mr. Tucker's dating life. Of course, let's not forget the cheerleader who is assertive and sexually active, but not too slutty because that would tarnish her image. That role is filled by the vegan slut of the movie, who is dumb in every imaginable form, and gets by by her unfathomable ability to work a man over. Last but not least we have the poor, wholesome (yet unfathomably hot) girl, who like Lindsay Lohan in "Mean Girls," is just caught in the middle of someone else's evil scheme that transforms her from a nobody to the most popular girl in the school.

It all feels as if its been done before. That's because it has.

Clearly, this was a film pieced together for the dumbest of the 13-year-old girl spectrum. So dumb, in fact, that a line like "Slut in truck" will undoubtedly fill your theater with a roar of intolerable girl-cackles, simply because it kind of rhymes. Of course, if you're a normal human being, you won't go see this movie. But if you're on the fringe, teeter-tottering between seeing this movie or sawing off your face, let me highly recommend the latter to you.

Recommended for no one.

Directing: 2 out of 5 Stars Acting: 1 out of 5 Stars Writing: 1 out of 5 Stars Overall: 1 out of 5 Stars

Will Ferrell has always managed to be one of the funniest men alive. Much like his contemporary, Jack Black, Ferrell can transform himself into a wide array of characters and always manage to bring hoards of laughs in the process. This skill he undoubtedly honed back in his SNL days, but it has been Ferrell's movie career that has truly made him one of the most admired comedians today. Whether its a drunken middle-aged frat boy, a swinging, jazz flute enthusiast anchorman, or a womanizing funeral crasher, Will Ferrell always delivers! In "Talladega Nights," the comedian continues this trend and propels his stardom further into (insert clever noun here) than ever before.

Knowing that this is movie comes about courtesy of essentially the same group of people that gave us "Anchorman," should get anyone with a sense of humor excited about this movie. Like that film, "Talladega Nights" puts Ferrell in the role of a character so dumb, its likely impossible to out-dumb him. Ricky Bobby is a man who, from his infancy, wants to "go fast." In a chance occurrence, he gets his opportunity one day at a NASCAR race when, as a member of a pit crew, he is called upon to finish the race for a slothful driver. A few years, and a 2-minute montage, later, Ricky Bobby is the #1 driver in all of NASCAR, complete with a hot wife, two wise-cracking children, a mansion, and a couple million dollars to spare. However, at the height of his career, a new French teammate, played by Sacha Baron Cohen, threatens to steal his glory and dethrone him as king of NASCAR.

Sure, the plot may come across as a bit bland (and, in all honesty, typical), but if anyone can make this work its Ferrell. Add in the brilliant comedic performances of John C. Reilly and Michael Clarke Duncan, and "Talladega Nights" will far surpass any expectations of mediocrity that you may have. In fact, there's not a whole lot not to love about this movie. Ferrell practically makes every scene he's in worth watching, and his character's often-dry quips will keep you chuckling consistently. The only thing that hurts this movie is Cohen's performance of a gay, French, Formula 1-turned-NASCAR driver. For once, he fails in portraying a foreign stereotype, largely because his portrayal of the character is so utterly obnoxious that you'll be begging for him to get off the screen. Even scenes in which he and Ferrell exchange humorous jabs fail, largely because of Cohen's presence. It is a potentially funny role, but Cohen makes it absolutely unbearable.

In the end, "Talladega Nights" succeeds not because of the plot, but the comedic performances of the majority of the cast, who, except Cohen, perfectly play their roles. Like most Will Ferrell movies, there is enough comedic material here to warrant repeat-views, and a DVD purchase. Hell, any movie that can reference "Manimal" and mention butt cheek-spreading can't be all that bad can it?

The answer is "no."

Directing: 4 out of 5 Stars Acting: 4 out of 5 Stars Writing: 5 out of 5 Stars Overall: 4 out of 5 Stars

Its weird. I woke up yesterday morning and went straight to ironing the wrinkles out of a pair of pants I was going to wear. For some reason, while I was ironing, I started thinking about "Alien vs. Predator," and then "Freddy vs. Jason." I remember how lame "Freddy vs. Jason" was, but then I started thinking about how much Freddy and Jason both scared the hell out of me when I was a kid. With that thought floating about, I became a bit saddened by the fact that I am now an adult and would probably never be scared by a movie ever again. You see, for the longest time I have been adamant about my ability to walk away from a scary movie completely unscathed. I have worn this trait around as a point of pride.

No more.

In some ironic turn of events, I ended up seeing "The Descent" last night, you know, just for the heck of it. I can honestly, truly, say that this is by far the best horror film I have ever seen. Be sure to make the distinction there. While movies like "Boogeyman" or the upcoming "Pulse" will bill themselves in the horror genre, the majority of the films will rely heavily on scare tactics (pop out and scare you) and very little on actual horrific sequences.

"The Descent" is a film that is truly horrifying.

The movie starts fairly quickly. We meet a group of adventure-seeking women who meet up in the Apalachian Mountains to do some cave-exploring. Okay, so its a bit unlikely, but this is not as important as what happens once they are inside the cave. From the very beginning, the cave has a very chilling aura about it (One of the women even places her fingers in what appear to be claw marks in the rock). Despite the eeriness of the cave, itself, the women press on, squeezing through tight passages and enjoying all that the cave system has to offer. However, a collapse of rocks soon makes their exit plan unattainable. To survive, they must work together to find another way out of the cave. However, as they progress, they run across something that is truly horrifying, something living in the depths of the cave system. Together, they must help one another, fend off the terrifying creatures, and make it out of the cave alive.

By itself, the plot seems a little lame. But take my word for it, this movie is anything but lame. The setting of the cave is truly brilliant. With each new corridor that they enter, things get more and more frightening, and people with claustrophobia will undoubtedly be tense as can be watching these women barely make it through these tight cave systems. In addition, the creatures in the cave, though fictional (hopefully), are some of the most terrifying incarnations to ever grace the screen. The comparisons to "Alien" that were featured in the trailer are spot on here. There's a truly alien-like nature to these creatures, and they offer a much more terrifying experience than ghosts ("The Sixth Sense"), dead women crawling on the ground ("The Grudge"), inbred hillbillies ("Wrong Turn"), or flying witch-a-mahoosets ("Darkness Falls"). These creatures are horrific!

If you are like me, by then end of the movie, you will be so disturbed that you will contemplate not sleeping, you will be utterly amazed by how frightened you truly were, and swear off caves for the rest of your life. Though there are some scare tactics in the movie, there are much more frightening things going on here that are sure to get under your skin and stay for long after the movie closes. I never thought I'd like a horror movie so much, but this is truly a brilliant piece of terrifying cinema.

Recommended for fans of "Alien" and for anyone wanting to be scared out of their mind!

Directing: 5 out of 5 Stars Acting: 4 out of 5 Stars Writing: 4 out of 5 Stars Overall: 5 out of 5 Stars

Back in 2003, when we really needed a great summer movie to get things going, we got "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl," a surprising gem of a movie whose magic and fun was only overshadowed by the performance of Johnny Depp and a deep fascination with the beauty of Keira Knightley. The movie pretty much came out of nowhere and took millions of unsuspecting moviegoers by surprise. I, myself, was so amazed by the movie that I went back two more times over the 2 1/2 months that it remained in my theater! So, needless to say, I'm a fan! When I heard that the sequel, "Dead Man's Chest" was on its way, I was undoubtedly excited.

Then I saw the trailer.

To me, the trailer made the movie seem like a hodgepodge of boring CG characters and bad acting from Orlando Bloom ("We have to go back for Jack...OK nevermind"). To say that I was disappointed would be a huge understatement. Furious and skeptical are, perhaps, better descriptors for the rage that consumed my soul. Despite this, I simply had to see the movie for myself, being a huge fan of everything the original movie had to offer.

The movie begins, by almost all accounts, poorly. We find good ol' Elizabeth and Will are to be married but are arrested for their involvement in the escape of Jack Sparrow (seen in the original). Will eventually strikes a deal with Cutler Beckett, the operator of the East India Trading Company in Port Royal to go after Captain Jack and bargain with him to return to ensure the safe release of Elizabeth. Meanwhile, Elizabeth escapes, herself, and leaves in pursuit of Will. Jack Sparrow, all the while, is being hunted by the notorious Davy Jones, with whom he has a debt to settle. This is essentially the plot of the story. Stated plainly in a few sentences, it actually takes the movie about 45 minutes to get to this point and this is why the first part of the movie is so dull. There is hardly any action for this period of time, and it's quite painful to sit through. Needless to say, I was regretting my decision to see the movie. However, when it finally picks up, it REALLY picks up.

The movie is filled with humor, just like the first, and Johnny Depp's performance is, once again, Oscar-quality (though the magic from the first film has worn off a little). There are numerous humorous references to the first movie, mostly about rum, which are funny at first but eventually wear a little thin. Additionally, most of the funny, quirky characters from the original have returned to serve as comic relief. It really is a fun, if not funny, movie.

additionally, the action sequences in "Dead Man's Chest" are top notch. Where as the first film essentially involved a lot of sword-fighting and cannon-firing, the writers of DMC rightly made sure to mix things up a little this time around. There are, of course sword fights and cannons (it is, after all, a pirate movie), but there are other circumstances that are happening simultaneously that keep things fun and interesting. Possibly the greatest addition to the action is the kraaken, a giant squid (or octopus. I'm not entirely familiar with the mythological beast.) When it's around, its one of the coolest CG monsters to ever grace the big screen, perhaps even topping those in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Additionally, the kraaken is truly creepy, almost frightening, as it engulfs ships like candy.

Another memorable newcomer is Davy Jones, played by Bill Nighy. When I saw the aforementioned trailer, Davy Jones looked ridiculous with his octopus beard. However, I must say that I was really impressed with his character. Nighy does a phenomenal job of making this otherwise plastic character seem utterly real and complex, and his performance is on the level of Depp's. Also, Bootstrap Bill, played by the always great Stellen Skarsgard, is another great character. As it turns out, Bootstrap, who we know died, is enslaved to work on Davy Jones' ship for an undisclosed amount of time. When he encounters his long-lost son, it really is a touching moment, and their relationship is really, at times, captivating. Additionally, the relationship between Will and Elizabeth is more interesting this time, as is the relationship between Elizabeth and Jack.

Overall, the movie is nothing more than a popcorn movie; a fun, big, exciting, phenomenal popcorn movie. Anyone going in to see an Oscar-caliber movie is probably going to be disappointed. Pirates of the Caribbean has never sought to be an epic movie like the Lord of the Rings, or other trilogies. It is simply a fun summer movie, one that you will undoubtedly enjoy for years and years to come.

Oh, and the aforementioned line in the trailer said by Will, it never actually happens. How about that?

Writing: 3 out of 5 Stars Directing: 4 out of 5 Stars Acting: 5 out of 5 Stars Overall: 4 out of 5 Stars

I picked up this DVD in the $1.00 bin at a department store, having been a fan of the novel. It's only around 45 minutes long and it definitely strays from the book, partly to make it more accessible to children. However, despite these differences, this forgettable piece of animation remains the most faithful adaptation of H. Rider Haggard's original work. This is the only version, that I know of (or that is listed on imdb.1eye.us) that has the characters of both Sir Henry Curtis and Captain John Good. Unfortunately, all contemporary film versions of this story replace Curtis' character (and sometimes Good's character)with a female actress. This totally throws off the dynamic of the original work and, though entertaining, the audience really loses a feel for why this novel was so great in the first place.

For being fairly accurate in it's adaptation of H. Rider Haggard's Novel, this film gets 2 stars. Unfortunately, everything else in the movie is pretty unbearable (thus warranting the $1 bin). The voice-dubbing (as was typical with old animation) is pretty raw. The plot is pretty focused and therefore doesn't really flesh out the characters or the relationships between them. But it is a good short adventure cartoon for kids and should be viewed as such. The kids should like it!