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The Last House on Dead End Street (1973)
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid movie. Terrible writing, horrendous acting.
I am going to keep this one short because I really do not have much to say. This is one of the absolute worst movies I have ever seen in my entire life. I know that it is a cult favorite and usually I gravitate towards these types of movies, hell I liked The August Underground Trilogy, I enjoy movies like The New York Ripper and I even enjoyed Cannibal Cookout and I love exploitation films. I'm a huge fan of Jack Hill, his whole filmography is a huge part of what got me through high school. So I thought that I would have a blast with this one but it was just atrocious. The acting was horrible, absolutely horrible the performances here make The Room look like Oscar winning material, that by far is the worst part. The writing, I mean I'm not expecting Shakespeare what I am expecting at least some level competence but the dialog was so ridiculous and hackneyed oh my god, I can't decide which is worse the acting or the writing. It is laughably stupid, the dialogue is so ridiculous that even Dolemite would be embarrassed by it. It is actually very rare that I don't enjoy movies like this. I've been waiting to see it for years and now that I have, I want that hour and twenty minutes of my life back. This is retarded, plain and simple this movie is retarded. I don't know how it has found this large of an audience, it is just crap. If I could give it a zero star rating, trust me I would.
Tuff Turf (1985)
Instantly forgettable. Somewhat entertaining premise, executed poorly. A Complete waste of time.
This movie is boring as hell! The editing is garish and obnoxious, there is not nearly enough action it's mostly just padding, full of pointless scenes and poorly written dialogue scenes that just go nowhere and do absolutely nothing to further the plot. The love story between Frankie and Morgan would be more engaging if these characters weren't so dull and lifeless, and don't even get me started on this "gang" This gang has to be the most pathetic excuse for a street gang that I have ever seen! I mean all they seem to do for a majority of this movie is talk tough and intimidate Morgan yet rarely ever follow through with anything, for at least two thirds of the film! In fact you barley even see anything of them for two thirds of the movie. This was so obviously just intended to be a cynical cash grab and it backfired! There's a reason people seldom remember this stinker because there is nothing even relatively notable about it! It only brought in 9,369,329 that's nothing! Even by 1985's standards that's nothing! It's not hard to see why either, there is nothing of value here! I can guarantee you by the end of this movie it is going to vanish from your consciousnesses entirely and for good reason. There is nothing memorable here at all! I mean I swear I have just sat through an hour and fifty minutes of just pure tedium, pure an utter monotony from start to finish, and you know what else? All of that monotony might have been forgivable if it was just building up to a satisfying climactic battle, but even that ending scene in the warehouse was just dull and bland, totally boring! There is nothing here! It is one of the blandest most sterile films that I have seen in a long time! there was just You want a real high school gang flick, watch Jack Hill's "Switchblade Sisters" it's streaming on Netflix last time I checked, just watch that and spare yourself the disappointment. Or if you plan to watch this just do yourself a favor and lower your expectations. It's sad too, because that opening scene really did make this film look promising, I thought "hey this should be good campy fun!" But nope! And these fight scenes! My god they are so poorly choreographed and half-baked and not even halfway decent! I mean were they even trying to make a good movie? No of course not, as I said it's a cynical cash grab. That sex scene also, wow! That was lame, if a film manages to make sex look boring, then you know something is wrong. This is just a lame movie, that wasted a potentially entertaining premise. I came here looking for a good entertaining schlock-fest not to be put to sleep! It is amazing that James Spader's career wasn't ruined by this film, it is nothing short of a miracle, and don't even get me started on his performance it's like he was drunk through the entire thing and just didn't even care but can you really blame him. God knows that I can't. This movie sucks, period. Enough said.
The Great American Snuff Film (2004)
I couldn't do it.
I Couldn't even make it five minutes in. Pure, unadulterated crap, I have seen better acting in porno and the production values are pretty much non-existent. It's akin to the kind of thing that you would see on public access late at night, and even then public access programming has more substance to offer than this steaming pile of cinematic feces. It's not scary, it's just downright laughable. If you want really to know about William Allen Grone and his crimes then just research him, really you'll be much better off, don't waste your time with this crap. I know that this is a film made with a budget of zero next to nothing, but that is no excuse. "August Underground" was a no budget film as well and it was terrifying, tense and uncomfortable say what you will about "Mordum" but the original was scary as hell and that is because it had a sense of authenticity and you feel like you're watching an authentic snuff film. "The Sadist" was made with the same amount of money maybe even less and that was absolutely terrifying as well. But I swear this movie was like the ones that I used to make when I was a kid with my friends and family for my own personal amusement and I can guarantee you that it was leaps and bounds better than "The Great American Snuff Film" So do yourself a favor, if you're looking for a good shocking film watch something like "Cannibal Holocaust" again made with a shoestring budget and still absolutely chilling, one of the most terrifying films of all time. Just don't even bother with this crap.
Smosh: The Movie (2015)
Smosh Presents: Ian and Anthony's Bogus Abominable Crime Against Against Humanity
Being the glutton for punishment that I am I found yet another abominable flick up for streaming on Netflix. That piece of trash is known as Smosh: The Movie. For those of you unaware of Smosh, good for you. However here's the cliff notes version: In 2005 when YouTube was first established two nerdy kids Anthony Padilla and Ian Hecox made crudely shot videos of them lip syncing to theme songs for Pokemon and Mortal Kombat. Ever since they have made a miniature empire by making moronic annoying skits filled with fart jokes so terribly unoriginal and uninspired that they would make Dane Cook shoot himself in the face pandering to the mentally castrated youth of America, the lowest common denominator that are tearing this nation apart bit by bit on a mission to keep them out of college along with the monstrous duo responsible for the death of parody Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer who need to die with them slowly with blood in their mouths. But I will admit that yes, when I was younger I found a few of their skits somewhat amusing and looked up to them for a brief months and sent them a long since abandoned project known as The Mark Alpha Cycle asking for advice. What was I thinking? Don't ask because I couldn't tell you, I was high out of my mind. I never heard back from them and I am perfectly okay with that.
Why did this movie make me want to slit my wrists and kill and kill the next living creature that I saw? What drove me to black out and stab my drinking buddy who was watching this with me in the face beyond all recognition? Was it the fact that the jokes were so dated that it would only be funny if the movie were released back in 2003? Was it the fact that the production value was so cheap and tacky that it would only be forgivable if the effects were featured from a video by a Channel Awesome critic and didn't have the budget of five million dollars? Is it the fact that I can't stomach these two retards for more than five seconds? Is it the ridiculous plot? Is it the fact that it's an 84 minute YouTube Video that only exists to make money? Or is it the fact that ALEX WINTER of all people directed this bogus most non- excellent crime against humanity!! I'm just going to let that sink in, Bill Preston DIRECTED THIS UNWATCHABLE PILE OF CINEMATIC FECES Come on man you were one of the heroes of the 80's you and Ted defined the late 80's for Crying out loud! Show some dignity! I believe that to die an honorable death and redeem myself if I ever become a famous director, screenwriter and when my material wears thin much like Smosh's material did and back in like 2005 and I stop bringing in bank and I get that desperate for money that I direct to video sequel for a couple of moronic internet celebrities, please, give me a bottle of poison and walk away Now I really got to find both Bill and Ted movies on Laserdisc to add to my collection to mourn the death of a fallen idol. I remember hearing about Savage Steve Holland directing a made for TV movie for The Fairly Odd Parents a couple of years back called A Fairly Odd Movie: Grow Up, Timmy Turner! And I can at least forgive that because Cosmo is still a fairly enduring character for me even until this day and well let's be honest here Better Off Dead was really his only good movie. But Alex Winter? What are you doing man?!
Rubber (2010)
A Completely Unfilmable Concept and a Monotonous, Redundant and Far too Overlong Result.
There are some things that just cannot be put to film, and this is the prime example of that. Rubber has got to be one of the most boring, sleep inducing and pretentious 80-something minutes of my entire life that I could have spent doing something far more valuable with my time. In the first 10 minutes of Rubber, there is a police officer who runs down a row of chairs needlessly and for absolutely no reason whatsoever and then keeping with that motif, of random things happening for no reason whatsoever he climbs out of the squad car's trunk and gives what I have to admit is actually a pretty brilliant monologue about major details and events in iconic films that happen for no reason and then compares them to real life examples of things that happen for no reason and then assures the crowd standing in the middle of the desert for you, guessed it, no reason whatsoever and us at home preparing for the awesome spectacle that is the serial murdering tire with psychokinetic abilities Robert that this film is the "Homage to No Reason" this is driven into the ground with a jack hammer completely over the course of the flick except it's only tolerable slightly for a few flashes of comedic brilliance in certain scenes, but it simply is not enough to sustain the film itself and make it enjoyable and endearing in the slightest because once those scenes are gone, we are back to pointless shots that linger on for ten minutes at a time, where something that holds no relevance happens because the self-indulgent director and writer feels that it's necessary once again to remind us that this film is made for no reason, and throws in some half- hearted commentary, very poorly laughing at Hollywood Clichés and the humor is absolutely mindbogglingly confusing and non-nonsensical that I'm sure that the only the filmmaker himself knows the true meaning to this humor, it is nearly completely impossible to understand just because it's that strange and awkward and for a movie that tries to claim that horror movies are made for no reason, this film in turn is counterproductive in the sense that it had no reason to be made itself, and then the director feels that once again it is necessary to patronize the audience and tell us for like the millionth time that there is no reason to this film and anything in it, yeah dually-noted thank you we know, we get it! And after some long drawn out shot that lasts needlessly long, that brings the film with no plot to yet another screeching halt our main star Robert decides to break the awkwardness by blowing someone's head off with his telekinetic powers and the first time was when he blew up a rabbit's head, and it was absurdly hilarious and then they had to do it again, and again and again, over and over and over and over until it just get's grating and annoying. That's all this movie is, pointless scene here, our main star blows something or someone up, the spectators in the crowd watching the film with binoculars engages in banter that is funny at first but then just overplayed like everything else in this film to the point where you just want to punch them all in the face and punch the pretentious director with his head far too up his ass to know how to make a decent satire and not pointless trite and drivel such as this, write engaging, endearing characters, if you can even call them characters, more like stand-in's with a few lines here and there, and doesn't just make films for his own ego stroking purposes and too insult the intelligence of the viewers and just make a stupid and boring film like this mockingly saying to us with each passing moment "Hey idiots, you don't get the humor and I do so that makes you stupid" No that's not what makes a good satire, that's not what makes a good film, you can't relate to any of it, which already makes it a failed comedy, big laughs come from situations that others among other things. And if you wanna pull the whole "Oh you just don't get it man, you don't understand the brilliance of this Satire" defense Just know, you are right about the first part of that statement, I don't get it. This is a waste of film and it's not art like some may say, it's crap. Pure crap. And a few good gags do not make a good film, and it's an even bigger let down because that opening speech offers so much and then never fully delivers. I can't find one reason in the world why anyone would find this entertaining in the slightest. Not for me, I don't recommend it. Rubber is one of the biggest letdowns that I have seen in recent years and I cannot understand how for the life of me how it is this popular and how it was even made, and which corporate Hollywood nitwit thought to green light this experience that is just as enjoyable and fun as getting your wisdom teeth pulled without anesthetic.