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Jayson_Orleans-Perez
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The Maury Povich Show (1991)
Maury is like a bizarre tornado of chaos and destruction
This show was decent back in the '90's (circa 1993-1998) I'll give the show that much credit. It began with gifted children and adults of all race, religion, and creed beating out the odds and gaining some substantial ground with their lives. But then about 2001 or 2002 something changed Maury Povich probably saw his ratings drop to (I'm guessing) Jerry Springer (as around that time, Springer would have the camera men go to people's houses, I wonder why they stopped that?) as Rikki Lake and Jenny Jones had been long gone, it only left those two super powers in the talk show industry (at the time). Instead of Maury hanging it up and retiring, Maury became like a bizarre tornado of chaos and destruction. The show was almost playing second fiddle to Jerry Springer.
Now, if you're reading this then obviously you know something about The Maury Povich Show. It attempts to invade your home in three forms. The first, and most popular form, is the paternity test/ baby daddy drama type episodes. These reared their ugly head slowly at first, coming on the show once a week. Then it turned into two-part episodes. And finally, it turned into an all week affair, as if that's the show's storyline. It starts with a woman on the stage with Maury and telling him that (add ridiculous name) is her baby daddy cause (add ridiculous name) looks just like (add ridiculous name). She then rants and raves until Maury is certain that the crowd is strictly behind her before he lets them hear what the man has to say on a one minute video clip. The man calls her enough nasty names for the crowd to condemn him as an awful man and then Maury brings him out. He comes out with a new skank girlfriend and they both yell at the woman, meanwhile Jerry...oops..I meant Maury is quietly telling them to stop. This goes on for about ten minutes before he practically screams that the results are in. Now, this goes two ways: If the man is the father then the woman jumps up and begins to berate him and the crowd begins cheering and the male makes some bullshit comment about how he's gonna be a great father. The other way, is more painful, however. If the man is NOT the father, then the man gets up and begins dancing, while the woman has tears in her eyes and sprints backstage with Maury, the man, and the skank girlfriend close on her heels. She collapses on the 'sobbing couch' backstage while Maury promises to find her baby daddy and the man and the new skank girlfriend are teaming up to yell and scream at her. This happens every single episode, I'm shocked it ain't scripted.
The second tier of episodes has to do with unruly little teen girls who want to either get back at their mothers by sleeping with everybody in the world or want to have a baby. Their mothers (where are their fathers, by the way?) cry and plead for Maury to do something and gets this big angry black guy to come out and yell at the young girls and round them all up to juvi or a semi-kayfabe boot camp. Then as soon as the bad teens come out of boot camp or juvi, they are all reformed. All conveniently within the hour.
The third and final tier of episodes are for miracle survivals, overweight babies (ugh), guess that tranny, or tall lanky man with short stubby woman. They rarely show show these episodes for some odd reason.
This is the worst show on television today. Not only does it bring out the worse in all races (blacks, whites, my fellow Hispanics) but Maury seems to be having a good time exploiting these people. Now, Jerry Springer isn't the most noble person in the world, but he knows and admits that he's scum and frankly I believe his show is a bit more appealing to watch, at least you get the anticipation and question if today's episode could get crazier than yesterdays. With Maury, every episode is the exact same, the exact same words exchanged, the same stereotypes day in and day out. This show has to be scripted because these people say the exact things no matter what. And if it is scripted, then Maury needs to fire that writing team of 3rd graders and hire the 7th graders.
Maury is scum!
Troll 2 (1990)
Quite Entertaining Actually....
....When you think of it as a failed Seinfeld 'Halloween Special' episode with Jerry, Elaine, George, and Kramer dressed up in ugly potato sack bags and K-Mart $2.95 Halloween masks romping around some forest in North Carolina. But this film is something much worse and more sinister than that. That's right folks, this is the cream of the crop, the worst movie ever conceived by mortal man.
The 'film' (can I even call it that?) begins with a Grampa horribly narrating a dull and pointless story, Princess Bride style to his ugly, whiny, and disturbed grandson, Jonathan. Peter Pan is venturing home from the woods when he gets lost and is chased by a mob of ravenous goblins (Yes, despite the film's title, this movie has droves and droves of goblins. There is NOT A SINGLE TROLL IN THIS FILM) set to a dodgy 1990 theme. This gets me on the vomit inducing soundtrack. It sounds as if an eight year old composed the music. Unfortuenatly, it also sounds as if that said poor eight year old was high off of something. Peter is then fed puke green slop by a supposed 'lovely princess of the wood' (although she looks like King Koopa, but I guess beauty is all in the eye of the beholder). He is then turned into a half man half plant creature. Apparently, the trolls, ooops, I meant goblins are vegetarians and will not eat any meat whatsoever. Although it might have sounded good on the McDonald's napkin it was written on, this feat is executed quite poorly as Peter begins to sweat green food coloring. Oooooh that's a great effect. I could have done better with colored pencils and glitter.
The Mom interrupts this little soirée and gives a grating, annoying, monotone speech to Johnathan. It seems Grampa Seth has been dead for six months, but only Johnathan can see him. Perhaps a pre cursor to the Sixth Sense? Hmmmmm.....? We also learn Johnathan is one messed up kid as he rants and raves about goblins and the Mom blows his cover by saying 'Remember what the doctor said?" But don't let the Mom fool you, she is the worst offender of vomit inducing acting in this crap and that IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING. And she is so '80's. Apparently, her favorite song is 'Row Row Row Your Boat', but since the title is so hard to remember, she just calls it 'That song I like so much'. The sister is pretty crappy as well. She delivers all of her lines with a smirk on her face. Perhaps she was high and realized what crap she was in, or she enjoyed the crap she was in. That aside, I hope the young actress who plays her took acting and dancing classes after she saw the way she was dancing in this. Maybe she tried to dance like Tiffany. The dad is by far the best actor in this romp (and that's also not saying much). It's amazing how all these actors and actresses in this movie can say their lines with straight faces.
So the dimwitted family head to the fancy town of Nilbog (get it? To quote the movie: " Nilbog....is...goblin...spelled...backwads!") to switch houses with some hillbilly family out in the woods. Close behind is Holly's boyfriend and his....well.....friends.
As soon as the family get to the house, they are greeted by the Addams Family who leave them food in the house. The retarded family sit down to munch on biscuits with green paste on it, steak smothered in green sauce, and corn on the cob smeared in green dip. Even if the stupid family thought it was wasabi sauce, it don't sound too appetizing slapped on corn on the cob. I guess this film takes place in some sort of alternate universe. Grampa Seth shows up and stops time for thirty seconds (hmmm...seems more like ninety seconds to me) so Johnathan can urinate on their dinner. You can say he rains on their parade. He gets his father quite upset, though.
We also meet a witch who is so over the freakin' top that she makes John Voight's performance on Anaconda seem like Joseph Cotten's performance on Citizen Kane. She is from Stone Henge, but sounds like she is from Germany (accent included). And she actually (or the writer of this trash, your pick) pulls out some bull Stone Henge plot on us. What is it's significance? What does the Stone Henge have to do with goblins? And also, who really cares? She turns one of Holly's boyfriend's boyfriend, ooops, friend into a plant.
The film finally comes to it's lackluster climax when the silly family are barricaded inside of the house and the goblins throw sandwiches at the house. Things get extremely silly when the family holds some sort of freaky séance and Johnathan ends up in the witch's liar. .the witch hoists him up (in an incredibly funny way. It's so obvious he's stepping on some kind of stool, which just makes me laugh every time I see it) and tries to turn him into goblin food. He is rescued by a double decker bologna sandwich. Then he keeps repeating to his family, "Only the power of goodness can defeat these monsters!" And they all put their hands on the stone and CONCENTRATE! Sure, I'll remember that one when it never happens to me. The family then return home and Johnathan's mom becomes goblin food.
If you think comedy is dead, check this one out. It is all sorts of funny. The best thing about this movie is that it actually takes itself seriously. Nobody is laughing or smirking (except the sister) and it tries to pursue an aura of dread and desperation. Too bad it's so funny, you will laugh it off the screen of your television set. Have a few glasses of vodka before watching this, it's even funnier.
The Haunted House of Horror (1969)
Silly 1960's Fun
Ah........the Sixties....
The Cuban Missile Crisis...the Civil Rights Movement...The Vietnam War...The Space Race... Unfortunately, this movie represents all the bad things that came about in the Sixties: The go-go boots, the mini skirts (which isn't a bad thing considering that the three outta four chicks that are wearing them are hot), the corny dances,the awful music, and of course, the big hair. Director Michael Armstrong attempted to create a rather spooky film, but instead he generated a rather boring piece of film.
A bunch of London twenty-somethings go out swinging. Out of these friends, one face looked familiar. It was Frankie Avalon! My mother used to watch his movies all the time and owned every single one of them Beach Party movies. My parents would never let me watch them. I can see why as Avalon's acting is beyond horrible. A retarded paraplegic monkey could have done a way better job than Mr. Avalon. He's supposed to be a young swinger in this film, but he really looks like he's fighting middle age, and it's a losing battle.
Anyway, Mr. Avalon and the rest of the unknown cast go to a supposedly haunted house. They hold a séance and then all hell breaks loose. The boyfriend Gary gets murdered and then the whole movie turns into a "Whodunit", similar to a live action version of Scooby Doo without Scooby, Shaggy, or "Jenkies!", though Marge (or Madge or whatever I couldn't figure out her name with all those darn English accents) does look like a suitable Velma.
The thing you may find out about this movie from other reviewers is that the title is quite misleading. The house is no more haunted than yours or mines. And the scariest things that happen in this movie don't even happen inside of the house. So how is it haunted?
There are also too many damn plot lines going on at once. The main plot of the movie is 'Who killed Gary?" which is nice for the time you hear about it. Then there is a plot between Frankie Avalon's character and the sexy lead actress Sheila (Jill Haworth). It seems that they once were lovers and Sheila wants to move on but he still thinks there's something there. I'm guessing she dumped him. Then we get the other plot of the slutty Sylvia (I think that's her name. All I know is she is the main one wearing them white go-go boots and them short short mini skirts and is a brunette). Although she is very pleasant to look at, she just looks disinterested throughout and insists that she needs coffee. Well anyway, Slutty Sylvia has a similar plot to Frankie and the lovely Jill Haworth. Slutty Sylvia is the 'other woman' in numerous relationships including some strange older man who follows her everywhere and one with Gary. Then her character just vanished. Gary is a cheater. One minute he's all over the blonde with the big ass wig that would smother Dolly Parton and the panda makeup, then the next minute he is all over Sylvie. He deserved all that he got. Then we have the silly, bucktoothed, chubby, jolly Marge dancing feverishly, trying to get the boy's attention. Now fit all this into a 90 minute movie with only three deaths. This movie also has a big problem with being too talky. Instead of giving us shocks, Mr. Armstrong gives us talk. This film has more talkings than On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Oh boy. The music in this movie is somewhere between a buzz saw and a wailing locomotive. The main theme that appears on the beginning credits and the ending credits is quite fun, though.
This isn't a bad movie per-se. The deaths are quite rewarding, especially the final one (If you can stay awake that long. It took me three tries). And the movie works well as a comedy as well. Just check out the museum sequence to see what I mean. This movie is quite good in an MST3K kinda way. The late sixties fashions will have you rollin' in laughter. The ending is quite disturbing, but also quite disappointing and empty all at the same time. You will love this movie way more after you drink a fifth of vodka and wash it down with some Captain Morgan's. Believe me....I know.
Dying to Love You (1993)
Sexy broads, Dumb guys, and kinky sex, oh my!
Although a well produced made for television movie, Dying to Love You reeks with low grade melodramatic splendor.
The film opens up to Roger Paulson (Tim Matheson, looking much older than I remember him to be), who is a struggling businessman that leads an empty, lonely life after his wife Ruthie (who looks suspiciously like Roseanne Arnold) leaves him with the quickness. Now all Roger has is his cats....and his ad in the newspaper.
Once his ad is answered, he calls Johnnie-Elaine-Lisa-oh it doesn't matter I'm whoever you want me to be-Lawrence. Then...they have phone sex.
I'm not sure where you're from or when you were born, but I remember that phone-sex bit was played out by the late '80's. I'm sorry but that was trashy.
Soon Roger and the broad hook up and have a whirlwind romance. They fall in love, visit the zoo to see gorillas, and then have some kinky sex with Roger's son in the other room. She ties him to the bed and seduces him.
Roger is just so stupid that he does not realize that Johnnie-Eliane is just a bimbo that loves to sleep around. God forbid women only sleep with one man. Soon enough, strange phone calls begin to occur, Johnny Girl wants Roger to marry her with absolute quickness, and she keeps ranting and raving about her ex-husband who used to beat her. It's funny to see Roger believe her through all this stuff. That's until a frumpy co-worker tells him to go snooping through her belongings like a nosy housewife. He takes her crappy advice and lo and behold, he finds a suitcase crawling with fake ID cards and wigs and guns and a crossbow. He immediately takes the suitcase to the police and has her arrested. Even though all this jazz, he still loves the dumb broad. She tells so much lies, it seems her tongue will catch fire if she tells the truth once.
Roger goes on with his life and meets an ugly woman named Angela who looks like something off of Gremlins 2. She has a child as well and Roger takes quite a liking to her. But something inside Roger's subconscious keeps him connected to Lisa Rohn (if that's even her real name) and he keeps going back to see her.
Now Lisa is the "ex that won't go away" as she "earns" herself a get out of jail free card and shows up at Roger's doorstep and his son Matt is so busy trying to check her out, he pours juice all over the floor. IL' Rog is so stupid, he throws Lisa out and doesn't even change the locks. Boy, if all people were that stupid, I wouldn't even be writing this review. The ending of this movie is so corny, you won't believe.
Tim Matheson is a Made-for-TV-Movie king. he just looks like such a dawm mummy in this movie. He's a little wooden and stiff. The dazzling Tracy Pollan works well with her role and her trampiness rings true. She is extremely beautiful and I do see what Michael J. Fox sees in her.
This movie is great to watch when you're on that late night tip, but then again, you might fall asleep, considering how dull and bland it is.
Mausoleum (1983)
A little ball of Tragedy wrapped inside a steaming crust of Feces
Words cannot describe how utterly displeasing this horrid piece of crap is. I'd rather hang myself in the kitchen at Thanksgiving than even dare watch this reeking piece of **** again!
Mausoleum begins ever so innocently, treating us to an opening scene of smoke and green lighting which looks so '80's, it's not even funny. It's probably the only thing that looks like it's from the '80's in this movie. What I'm saying is that I first saw this movie on the TNT Network back in 1989 right after Freddy Krueger went off, I watched it and it looked like it was made in the mid '70's and it was only six years old!
Bobbie Bresee is wooden and stiff as Mrs. Susan Farrell, a desperate housewife who has been possessed by a demon that's about as scary and annoying as Fran Drescher. The plot doesn't advance until we see how Susuan becomes disenchanted with a drunk at the club. Something happens and her husband, Oliver, tries to open the door, the drunk is trying to hold the door closed, Susan's eyes grow green, a weird buzzing sounds begins to occur and the car explodes, somehow not harming her beloved Oliver. Susan is seeing a therapist.
Soon, Susan becomes a sex hungry, fluid swappin', french kissin', Dog ugly possessed individual. While Mr. Farrell is away at work, Susan seduces Ben The Gardener in more ways than one. Susan's eyes grow green, a sharp buzzing sound rips your eardrums and Susan beats him with to death with a fork (and I ain't lyin' either!) and he endures a slow and painful death.
Susan also gains telepathic powers out of nowhere and uses them on her old high-school gym teacher and all that. Then she seduces the delivery man after giving him the worst attitude I have ever. He dies as well. Then, we follow Susan to the local shopping mall where she steals.............drum roll please...............A PAINTING! Oooooh she's really gangsta! Oooooh such a big bad evil spawn of Satan. It steals paintings. The Painting guy gets his,too in a similar fashion that the gym teacher get it. I forget how her husband dies but he does. Then her therapist gets the demon out of her in such a ludicrous manner, it is easily forgettable. The Ben the Gardener is still alive and the movie just ends.
Everyone's acting is either wooden and stiff (Mrs. Bersee) or way too over the top. It's dumb. The director didn't know if he wanted a horror flick, a comedy, or a soft core porn flick. We see Bobbie Bersee disrobe in the most indubitably of manners. We see her de-bra with the utmost confidence. It's not a wonder why in every movies she's been in, she's been naked. Bobbie Bersee lets her body do the talking cause she sure can't act.
The dialogue is just one laugh after another. This movie is even funnier than "Meet The Fockers" and I'm dead ass. The Haitian Maid, Consuela, is just funny. "I've had enough grievin', I'm leavin'!" and then the tape speeds up as she's running. This movie just sucks. I can't believe how corny it is. Then the delivery man says "This is nice..." and then turns and points to Bobbie's naked body and says "This is nice." Some of the worst dialogue ever! The ending is so abrupt and it did not make any sense whatsoever. How did Ben get back alive?! Man, I wish I could just come back to life whenever I got killed by a dining utensil.
This movie's only saving grace was it's ending credits score. Some type of Carly Simon/soft jazz type music, I don't know who sings it, but they have way more talent than the idiot who directed this flick.