Reviews

This is a made for TV movie done in the style of SHARKNADO. A sequel is in development. The plot is silly and not critical to the enjoyment of the feature. Giant fire breathing spiders are spewed out of a volcano and threaten LA. Colton West, a has-been actor (Steve Guttenberg type cast) tries to unite his family while the world is coming to an end. Nia Peeples plays his wife and supplies the eye candy.

What makes this film entertaining is the cast. There are at least two cast members from the POLICE ACADEMY series that are in the film with him. Michael Winslow (the sound effects guy) is in this and hopefully will have an expanded role in the next one. Marion Ramsey, who played Hooks in the PA series is also in this film. There is a cameo by SHARKNADO guy Ian Ziering, who doesn't have time to help, he has a shark problem he must attend to. One hand Pirate Jack is played by Ralph Garman who was Captain Jack in SHARKTOPUS. There also looked like an unaccredited cameo by Samuel L. Jackson.

Like it or not Lavalantua is here to stay. Good film for bad movie fans.

This is one film most people will love or won't watch the whole thing. The stories concern reincarnation of the soul (?) although it goes far beyond that. The same half dozen or so people in one life are connected in similar ways in different lives. And a person who gets a scar or mark in the future, will have that mark show up in the past as a birthmark. Clearly this film goes way beyond any simplistic idea of reincarnation and makes it into a cult doctrine.

There are 6 separate tales, although the film seems to concentrate on the two future stories. "Souls" are connected by generally having the same people play different parts, or by connecting them through aforesaid mark. The beginning of the film was confusing as it presents the ending of the various lives.

The lives of these people are not simple. They are filled with trauma, killing, and intrigue. Scenes are connected by showing people doing similar things in different life times such as passing through a door, i.e. the so called "smart" and "clever" aspect of the movie.

Rather than asks questions about truth and free will, the movie gives you David Mitchell's answers, which you may or may not agree with. For those who believe in some universal bond that links lives past and present to the seemingly inane point that things that will happen in the future will effect the past, you should enjoy this film for a full 5 stars. For me the film was too artsy, telling stories in a disjointed fashion that lacked depth and meaning to my life.

I would wait for the DVD to see this film as there are things that are easily missed and will need multiple viewings to grasp.

If they really wanted to make their case, they should have named Tom Hanks "Wilson" as an island dweller.

Parental Guide: F-bomb, sex, nudity.

This is a 2hr and 20 minute biopic of rapper/activist Tupac Shakur (Demetrius Shipp Jr.). The film starts out a bit disjointed as we see him give an interview about his past. The film eventually catches up to this point and then proceeds forward. Some time is spent on his Black Panther roots and his junkie mother (Danai Gurira).

We then see a complex Tupac who wants to give back and be an activist but then gets caught up in the system as "they gave me all the tools to destroy myself." He nature was cyclic. The film showed him getting arrested for jaywalking and then glosses over his next 10 arrests with some quick headlines. The production includes his rape trial, time in prison, and the inception of Death Row Records...and the last hour of his life. At times his biggest enemies were those in his inner circle when not his pride. The film could have been better edited. It assumes you are familiar with East Coast vs. West Coast rappers and Notorious B.I.G.

Guide: F-word. Implied sex. Brief nudity.

John (Markus Baldwin) and Clarence (Jason Hillhouse) are two hillbillies with a bromance going. There is a legend about Madge, a killer who lives out in Yellow Ridge Woods. She died a few decades ago and is said to be looking for her head. People come to Hooperville to go hunting for her.

The film is for those who like "Hee-Haw" and have a bit of an understanding or mountain humor. Having lived part of my life in East Tennessee, I have an appreciation for the dialogue and all the misspeaks. While I don't envision a lot of folks loving this film, I loved it as well as I love watching "Redneck Zombies" and Hillbilly Ninja on U-tube. I loved the two Joes and Banjo Phil and wife.

Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity.

This is a spoof of 80's slasher films, although it uses a lot of 70's stuff. First the blood looks like watered down tomato soup instead of the thick rich dyed Karo syrup. The opening scene was a spoof of 70's adult films with music. Also the horror music was distinctively 70's while the rest of the film was 80's. Blair (Kristin Noel McKusick) invites her catty friends over for a pool party as one by one they get killed by a tool from a neatly made peg board. A few of the jokes didn't work, while most of the dialogue was over-the-top. The film could have done without Clay (Nick Byer) who supplied us with humor that tried too hard. The acting was great when the dialogue wasn't serious. And it was extremely bad when it was serious. Fortunately that was just one scene.

Guide: F-word, implied sex, sex talk, nudity (adult film star Alexis Adams, Destiny Faith Nelson)

A group of eight people have dinner on Chinese New Years at a restaurant and violate taboos by using a corkscrew on the wine bottle or something. They all get unique black fortune cookies in Chinese script which the owner reluctantly translates. We quickly discovered they are cursed and are going to die according to the word in the fortune cookie. The eight words are based on the legendary "eight immortals" of China.

This is similar to the films based on the seven deadly sins, where a person dies based on one of the sins. It takes on the classic "10 Little Indians" style. In this production the acting left something to be desired. There is a fight scene near the end that had the worst sound track imaginable. Film consisted of people running around.

Guide: F-word, sex, nudity (Ashley Doris, Kaitlyn Danielle McIvor) Heads graphically being blown off

This review is for the 2017 film and not the 2006 Seagal film that Amazon has linked in the reviews.

"The Shadow Man" and "The Man in the Shadows" are the same feature. It is another film about "shadow people" more specifically the faceless man in the hat. The movie centers on Rachel (Sarah Jurgens) who suffers from serotonin imbalance, a cheating lawyer husband (Nick Baillie), shadow man, and a bad script. She attends meetings and meets William (Adam Tomlinson) a shadow man enthusiast, string theorist, and amateur hypnotist. He attempts to turn the horror film into science fiction, but Rachel isn't buying.

The film goes to a cabin in the woods which was almost pointless. In fact the film was down right boring except for the last 15 minutes which wasn't that great for closure. The piano music sound track was depressing and the record playing seemed pointless.

Guide: F-word, sex. No nudity.

The production is about four forest/park rangers, their boss and a talking bear. It has running jokes that carry through the series and sometimes are unfortunately repeated. The extras also repeat themselves.

This is a continuation of adult cartoons with over-the-top politically incorrect, stereotypical humor which for many may leave something to be desired. Like South Park, if you haven't been insulted, wait for the next episode. There does not seem to be any limits as Native Americans, blacks, gays, and people with drinking problems, all get offended in the first season. The running joke about Connie's gurgling vee gets old. I am sure we will eventually discover her surname is Lingus and only Mallory the talking bear will understand it...that is the style of adolescent humor the series incorporates. How I long for the sophistication of the "Oblongs." Guide: My version had the "F" word beeped out. It does use the "D" "S" and SOB words. Sex is frequently shown. Nudity is covered.

Zombie film shot in a mall. First 35 minutes is light character build up and filler. Twist ending which may be why the acclaim, it sure wasn't the acting.

The film opens letting you know it was won a couple of indie fest awards and was filmed with no budget, apparently attempting to prejudice the viewer, something that must be done when a film can not stand up on its own merits under scrutiny. The overall scene framing wasn't that good with too many scenes off center. The characters were boring in spite of the attempts of making the women sexual predators. Twist ending was fine, but then they tried to get cute and ruined it.

Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity.

DNA experiments create a shark that can move and breath on land by wiggling its body. It can also growl.

This is a Polonia Brothers plus Camp Motion Pictures production which means it has a camp quality to it by design and shot in the Middle Atlantic states...oh wait! Mark made it out to California for a change up. From the shark we get a "fish eye" lens. Mark expertly edits in stock footage of sharks in with the big fake rubber looking shark, something only taught at the Ed Wood Academy of "B-" Art.

There are basically two people in the film (other than the guy moving the shark). Foster (Peter Baldo) is running the experiment and Lucinda (Sarah French) is his clueless assistant. She is one of my favorite B- actresses. Her stealth darting moves are comical. Not to give too much away, but eventually the pair hunt down the sharks with plastic molded guns that shoot laser bullets as California has different gun laws than Pennsylvania about hunting land sharks.

Please note this has nothing to do with the SNL skits about a "Land Shark." Guide: Infrequent F-word. No sex or nudity. 3 stars for the camp and keeping the rubber mask people in business. I consider this to be a Polonia Brothers classic, for what it's worth.

Willa (Kimberly Woods) is searching for her missing twin and the trail leads her to a BNB in Hollywood operated by a woman who lacks all charm and charisma. She meets a guy there and ...

We have seen these types of films many times. Unfortunately they keep the obvious a secret. Instead of making a good tale by showing us more from the other angle, they spend half the film featuring Willa sight seeing much of nothing. It was a complete waste of time. I am getting ready to write "Junk Film. Don't bother." for my reviews if this keeps up. Amazon has so many of them.

If I am tied up and I free my hands, I undo my feet next. I don't crawl across the room. Just saying.

Guide: F-word. Brief Nudity. Rape?

Mitch (Dwayne Johnson) is the superhero lieutenant of the Baywatch group. Matt Brody (Zac Efron) is a gold medal Olympic swimmer who has fallen from grace due to his excessive drinking and is reduced to being a Baywatch apprentice to Mitch who would rather not bother. Meanwhile there is a drug ring, blah blah blah and we know who runs it as our team does police work.

This is another in a series of films based on successful TV runs. "21/22 Jump Street" was excellent. "Chips" was acceptable and this one didn't make it. It basically attempts the same spoofs, making fun of the series, having a back story to support the gags. In this production, the backstory was a bore and the gags didn't land. Guys insulting each other and a constant stream of d*** jokes/gags was too hard to swallow.

Guide: 100+F-words. Sex talk. Male nudity.

Rita (Katie Holmes) is a poor judge of character. She cares for her 14 year old daughter Ruthie (Stefania LaVie Owen) as they live on the road out of their dying car. Circumstances make it easy for them to stay in one place for a while, as she makes he life more complicated than it needs be and not trusting those who would help her. Eve Lindley plays a sympathetic cross dresser waitress who befriends Ruthie.

The film is a basic drama about life and the folks who live at the bottom. Well directed. Well acted. Slightly emotional, but not a heavy tear-jerker.

Guide: F-word. Sex. No nudity.

There is a forest outside of Austin Texas that has vampires. Two couples go hiking there and bump into them.

The film is 71 minutes long with 7 minutes of a slow credit roll. The acting and dialogue was bad. The drama they tried to create wasn't good. The vampire teeth looked as fake as the doll with teeth. The whole florescent thing didn't work and was simply a distraction. Used a voice distorter which is typical of low budget productions. DVD includes about 7 minutes of outtakes. I started to watch "The Making of" extra, but couldn't stand listening to John Hand talk about the woods. Sequel in the making. I'll let someone else watch and review it.

Guide: F-word. Implied sex. Woman in see-thru dress.

A cult photographer shoots three models in a haunted asylum. That's about it.

I made it sound better than it was. Boring "B" movie.

Misty does not pontificate on matters of religion or government.

Nudity (Misty Mundae, C.J. DiMarsico)

The E-19 virus is man made and on the loose. Through circumstances 3 kids must save the world with a vaccine given to them by a scientist and a chip place in their body which allows them to "warp" to a different location, but not the location they need to go to. In the meantime one of the kids develops some kind of telekinetic power to overcome guys three times his size. The kids travel by foot attempting to get precious to the safe house to save the world.

Warping in a zombie film? That is as bad as space aliens in an Indian Jones film (My apologies to the guy that thought it was cool.) The film opened with some great music, a nice street scene, some badly framed scenes and questionable sound, but it was okay. Then when the scientists talked to Mr. Hughs (Robert Arensen) a billionaire with bad hair, the film falls off a cliff. Right away the soundtrack got awful. The acting and dialogue wasn't there. The zombie fight choreography was ridiculous. The film takes on an Ed Wood quality, "so bad it is good" style. In one isolated farm scene you can hear automobile noises in this infected world. One boy uses a brick to hit people. In a scene where it is on the ground you can see what looks like an envelop fold on the end of the brick. The brick tends to bounce when it hits someone, but it does make a brick sound, kudos to the sound editor.. And if a zombie bites you, you lay there and scream and can't move. They did do the "fake news" on the TV quite well. Mostly likely they subcontracted that out. Blood splatters on the camera...nothing like telling a guy, "you're going to remember me" seconds before you bludgeon him to death. And what was with the three girls in training bras at the end? What movie was that? Famous chef Joseph Ciminera wrote, directed, and starred in this film. His mantra "There are no rules in Cooking" carried over into film making as he combines elements that should be best left alone. Appears to be a kids zombie film.

Guide: No sex or nudity. At the last fight the kid says a quick exclamation that could be taken for an F-word.

The film opens with news photographer Pam Garrett (Krista Grotte) describing to a priest about a cult killing. Then the priest is murdered and we see Pam being locked up. Then we flashback to her lover, a priest and we get to see the aforesaid cult killing and we are back watching the opening scene an hour later. A long hour later.

The disjointed film wasn't hard to figure out. Either what she saw was real or it wasn't. The soundtrack dragged. The camera angles were all bad for effect. And it seemed everyone in the film learned to speak from Carlton the Doorman (MTM, Rhoda). Krista Grotte was very unconvincing in her role..BTW thanks for the shower.

There is also a scene where a Catholic priest recites the Protestant version of "The Lord's Prayer." Not well researched.

Guide: F-word, nudity.

Six models and an actor enter a factory style building only to get caught in a "No Exit" type of elevator where they are at odds with each other. This is where we get some character build up before they exit into a personal hell.

The characters were only partially developed and needed to be fully developed to craft the personal hells, rather then relying on model stereotypes. Glenn (Tony Slade) attempted to be colorful, but he was no Killjoy. I love "No Exit" style stories when done well and this one wasn't done well. Some of the dialogue was smile cute, but the film fell short (about 15 minutes). They cut the camera at many of the action scenes that would cost money to execute. Only Film Trailer extras on DVD.

Guide: F-word, Brief rape. Nudity (Jennifer Renée Price + FF extra)

In case you missed the first film, or like me forgot it, there is a brief statement to get you caught up. The web site Redroom causes a tumor to grow in a person's brain turning them into a killer who can be partially controlled. There is a cure, that is to drill a hole in the skull and disconnect the blood vessel to the tumor, however the tumor may take over the body again...or not. These people are called "defects." There is a web page that shows you how to do this with simple power tools with advice, "not too deep." Love the dark humor.

Sam (Michelle Mylett) is a defect on the run from everybody as humans are killing defects too. She teams up with a young defect Beatrice (Josette Halpert) who everyone calls 'Bean." She was cured by her father (Stephen Bogaert). Sam had a son taken away from her at birth.

The film is great at this point, like Milla Jovovich killing zombies in any "Resident Evil" film. However like "Resident Evil" they don't leave it at that. Someone decides they want to create a lower budget story line so it goes indoors to some lab. At the lab there is a young boy (Samuel Faraci) who has a strange connection to Sam...not too hard to figure out.

The acting was fairly decent. As you can surmise I didn't like much of the lab scenes. Samuel Faraci did good as the boy. There is a twist ending that was not well developed, nor did it seem to make a lot of sense. For Trekkies think "The Return of the Archons" the "will of Landru." I didn't appreciate the first film as I was not familiar with "brain hacking" where a person's brain physically is altered to that of an addict from being on line. This production takes that fact and extrapolates it to the nth degree.

Guide: No F-words that I recall. No sex or nudity. One brief scene where a man is on top of a woman forcing himself.

The film opens in 1977 with a 1960's stereo. A man kills his wife for being pregnant by another man, then kills himself. In a newspaper clip we discover that the child survived. Since then people have mysterious killed themselves in this building, all above the tenth floor. Five paranormal investigators wanting to make a dynamite pilot film go to this place where others dare not go.

Jake (John White) and Andre (Evan Williams) who lead the group grew up in this area and used to make frequent visits here as kids until...Andre does not want to go back, but is out voted.

The production is NOT found footage although elements creep in. The sound track was fairly rhythmic providing a decent excitement build. Most of the filming looked professional as director/actress April Mullen spends time on both sides of the camera. I did notice a sound goof toward the end when a person was being kicked in the gut, the sound happened before the leg/foot landed. Filmed in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada. What I didn't grasp were the outside nighttime scenes as if a vehicle was approaching the tower. What was that about? Guide: No sex or nudity. No F-words that I recall. Just some old fashion woman beating. Soft 3 stars Please note a splint and a stretcher is the proper way to treat a broken leg in the field. Don't let a friend set it and then "see if you can walk."

England is overrun by pedophiles and only a vigilante mob can handle the situation. Ava (Yvette Rowland), sensational TV journalist becomes a witness of her daughter's rape and murder and has no legal recourse.

The film started out as a decent crime grind-house and falls off a cliff when Yvette Rowland comes into the picture. Horribly scripted.

Guide: F-word, sex, male nudity.

Five women who make indie horror films travel from one film festival to a festival in LA. In spite of the success, directer Crystal Lacroix (Tristan Risk) is unhappy. In LA her film is being shown at 11 PM being bumped from prime time by one of the "ankle bites" who shot their feature on a cell phone camera. En route to where they are going, they make a pit stop and Crystal disappears from the group. Eventually they all end up at a remote home as captives being experimented upon by the German speaking occupants.

It wasn't hard to figure out what they were doing before it was revealed. The only question is "the final girl (s)" as all these captive films normally end up the same way. This film was okay in a crowded genre. It attempts to distinguish itself by mentioning the MK Ultra experiments and comparing it to Mengele style stuff in one quick line.

PLOT SPOILERS Jeb (Trevor Peterson) is the lead writer of "Amy and the Aliens" an animated series on its last legs. He is tasked to script 30 episodes in 30 days with a cast of writers. They are to write at a mountain retreat. Jeb, a voyeur, has the place wired for sight and sound and discovers he is not the most beloved man on the planet. Half way into the film Jeb is canned (sorry for the spoiler) and goes to his dysfunctional home in Wichita so we could have a title for the film that beats "Manifesto" but not by much. Here we finally find out about Jeb with the feature closer to the end than the beginning. Jeb returns with the head cam you see on the DVD artwork...and since this is a horror film it wasn't hard to figure out what was going to happen.

The problem with the whole film is that you knew how it was going to end up with a pretty good guess as to the "final person." The killings were bunched up at the end. No mystery or suspense and not much of a thriller or horror. Also Jeb's character wasn't that great. At brief moments he had a Normal Bates quality but that died too quickly, warping from voyeur to serial killer. It just didn't do it for me.

I thought the women in the support cast did well, I really liked the little snitch Caitlin Gerard. The guys were stereotyped and given bland lines, with dialogue being an issue with the script.

Guide: F-word. Implied sex. No nudity.