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They Call Her Headhunter (2022)
Jack of God
Jack of God (Even Stone) is a TV preacher who claims to be the only salvation. He tells people to burn all their books except for the Bible. He also says to smite your neighbor if he does not do this too. Angelica (Katie Morgan) is a paid assassin called "The Head Hunter" because she decapitates her victims after she kills them. Mariana (Tabitha Stevens) is the unhappy wife of Jack. She contracts Angelica to capture, torture, and kill her husband because he is evil. When she attempts to torture Jack, he does not respond.
The plot was simple and the scenes were long and dragged out like an adult film that lacks a plot. This production stars adult film actors/actresses who can not act with their clothes on and they don't undress. It was long and boring with an expected twist that was not well done.
Guide: No swearing, sex, or nudity. Free on Tubi.
Guts on The Chainsaw (2023)
I need opossum jerky
Nova (Nikki Carlson) is recovering from drugs and has nightmares about hiking and being chased by a Leatherface with a chainsaw. She opts to go hiking in Pennsylvania along the much-hiked Appalachia Trial. She doesn't know if the nightmares are real or not. She meets people along the way and is told about albino cannibals and "the mountains have eyes." She is supposed to meet her friend Sally at the next station which seems to pass from the plot.
The sound was sketchy. The soundtrack was not great. Acting was High School level. Way too much first-person narration. The film interrupts itself with information about people who have disappeared hiking.
Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity.
Project Dorothy (2024)
System on.
James (Tim DeZarn) and Blake (Adam Budron) rob a bank of a computer notebook out of a safe deposit box (one that only takes one key). James, the senior of the two gets shot in the leg as they make their escape. They find refuge in an abandoned research facility in the middle of nowhere. They managed to power up the facility that is controlled by an AI called Dorothy. (DRT project). The old computer monitors the intruders and decides it wants its computer for its Internet connection. The robbers struggle to survive.
It was a fairly decent film. Certainly could have been worse. They need a third robber who would be a woman to make it interesting.
Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity.
Ship of the Damned (2024)
Don't call me Ellie
The film opens in 1622 off the coast of Cartegena. A hungry crew kills and eats a witch and consumes her resulting in a curse. In modern times said ship is dragged into port. The story picks up with Elena (Hannaj Bang Bendz) who is an expert on such ships. She gets a call from her ex-boyfriend who is with the coast guard and asks her if she might be interested in checking it out. She jumps at the chance. While the two are on board they are captured by the 400-year-old cursed crew and sail back out to sea. Elena discovers the Pirate cannibals want to use her for breeding material in hopes of breaking the curse.
I like the story better when they are hillbillies and folks take a Wrong Turn. The film started out fine but once on board, I lost interest with boring pirates.
Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity.
Cinderella's Revenge (2024)
Don't Call me Baby
This is not the Disney version. Cinderella's ( Lauren Staerck) father is murdered in the first scene by paid killers of her stepmother (Stephanie Lodge). Her stepsisters are played by Beatrice Fletcher and Megan Purvis. When it is time for the ball, Fairy Godmother (Natasha Henstridge) incorporates 20th-century designers and Cinderella is driven to the ball in a Tesla by Elon Musk (Stephen Staley) himself. She meets the prince (Darrell Griggs) who is rather a disappointment. Afterwards, Cinderella is punished which includes whipping. Fairy Godmother helps Cinderella get revenge by wearing a mask and getting extra strength.
The slasher film aspect was long and on the boring side.
Guide: F-word. Sex. Nudity (Amy-single name credit, partial-Emilija Senavaityte as Lauren Staerck 's body double.)
Bury the Bride (2023)
This is what Happiness looks like
June (Scout Taylor-Compton) is getting married to David (Dylan Rourke). David is a quirky outdoors type who refrains from social media or having his picture taken (hint-hint). He is allowing June and her girlfriends to use his remote cabin to hold a bachelorette party. The girls have not met David, but disapprove of him already. We spent the first 20 minutes getting to know the girls, which was done effectively. David and his hillbilly friends show up. Only June knew they were coming. The other girls don't approve. When the girls first view the cabin it is said, "I have seen this movie and it doesn't end well."
The girls must fight for their lives against the coven. Lyndsi LaRose does a sexy dance.
Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity.
Bad Boys: Ride or Die (2024)
It is not my time.
The main problem with this film is I forgot the other production from four years ago. This film relies heavily on that feature to introduce characters and plot. There is no decent recap or flashbacks. Marcus (Martin Lawrence) has a heart attack and during his NDE is told this isn't his time and thinks he is invincible. Mike (Will Smith) marries Christine (Melanie Liburd). The Miami cartels murder a man and in doing so implicate Captain Howard (Joe Pantoliano) was dirty. The boys try to clear Howard's name with the help of Will's imprisoned son (Jacob Scipio) and a few trusted people. Events happen that turn the boys into fugitives with a price on their head.
The film waffled between being a crappy action film or a bad comedy. They tried to have it both ways and failed at making one good feature. Filmed in Atlanta.
Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity.
Head on a Plate (2023)
They Might Hear You
A woman digs up a box of money on dried up soil and encounter an alien who shapeshifts and takes her body (Tabitha Stevens). She goes to town where she murders her human male partner and eats his brains. She goes to a bar where she kills a few of the folks who are there. We later discover that these aliens have been here since we were amoebas and they stay here because they love the taste of the proteins in human brains. This plot aspect is printed on the blurb line but not revealed until the end. Somehow being here to eat human brain proteins before there were humans didn't make much sense.
Tabitha Steven played an alien who reminded me of a blonde Maila Nurmi (Plan 9 Vampira) with Botox. The scenes were long and boring. The cast consists of adult film stars who can't act.
Guide: F-word. Attempted rape. No nudity from an adult film cast.
Jackdaw (2023)
I was set up
Jack Dawson (Oliver Jackson-Cohen) known as Jackdaw to his motor cross fans cares for his Down's Syndrome brother Simon (Leon Harrop). He works as a drug courier for Silas (Joe Blakemore). He is performing a drug pickup by paddling out to the North Sea to a marker. He is quickly pursued and believes he was set up. These were not Silas's drugs and another gang is after him. The money for the drugs is not at the drop off location and when Jack finally returns home, Simon is gone.
The script does have a major plot twist. Jackdaw is a boring character whose special skills are not highlighted. Silas was cool.
Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity.
Seven Kings Must Die (2023)
England
You have to have watched five seasons of "The Last Kingdom" in order to understand and follow this film. Uhtred (Alexander Dreymon) is lord of his manor when King Edward dies. The kingdom becomes unglued. The Queen (Elaine Cassidy) flees Wessex with her son Edmund (Zak Sutcliffe) and seeks refuge and protection with Uhtred. Uhtred brokers a peace between brothers that Aethelstan (Harry Gilby) quickly breaks to become King. He is portrayed as a homosexual who takes ill counsel from his lover which drives the kingdoms to war. Finan's wife predicts seven kings must die before this is all over.
This is much of the same stuff. Uhtred is double-crossed by the King whom he then disobeys and later the King admits Uhtred was right. Uhtred's daughter and granddaughter are gone from the picture.
Guide: No swearing, sex, or nudity.
Life After Fighting (2024)
I'm Retired
Alex Faulkner (Ben Foster) is retired from fighting. He lost his title. He has had many surgeries and concentrates his efforts on being an instructor in Australia. He operates a Taekwondo dojo. The wife (Annabelle Stephenson) of his cousin is his receptionist. She has two daughters. Samantha Hathaway (Cassie Howarth) enrolls her son Terry ( Anthony Nassif)into class, paid for by her jealous ex-husband Victor(Luke Ford). The jealousy leads to fighting when Alex and Samantha start dating. The latest champion (Eddie Arrazola) wants to fight Alex even though he was retired, lost his belt, and is not in best condition. And to top it all off a couple of thugs who know "military" MMA challenge and fight Alex. And then the girls get abducted and Alex must go Liam Neeson all over town.
Unless you are into a lot of choreographed fighting, the film was boring. Alex was a boring person. The characters were either all bad or all good and lack any type of depth or complexity.
Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity.
The Last Kingdom (2015)
Destiny us all
This is close to being a real-life "Game of Thrones." The story has a historical base as its background and weaves an enthralling tale blending fictional characters with real-life characters (close to two dozen). Uhtred (Alexander Dreymon) is the main character. He is Saxon raised as a Dane and travels between the two worlds. He is the "Spartacus" who uses wisdom and sword. Women swoon and the men respect him. He saves the life of King Alfred (David Dawson) of Wessex. He falls in and out of the good graces of the king throughout the film. He rescues damsels in distress and the family of the king.
I have traced my ancestry back to Alfred the Great through Edward (Timothy Innes) and his son. The King of Wales was also in my direct line as well as Sihtric (Arnas Fedaravicius ). About 9 characters in all, making this look like a film about my ancestors as well as the ancestors of hundreds of millions of people. The series was not as bawdy as "Thrones" and the language used "hump" instead of the F-word which I recall hearing once in the first season. In spite of the era, the film created strong women who were given a major role. It included the legend of the burnt cakes which lasted for about five seconds and moved on. My favorite fictional character was the flawless beauty Thea Sofie Loch Næss as Skade, who was a seductive yet poisonous person. The battles and linage are factual but much is not. Several people who played major roles after the death of Alfred (Chrone's Disease) had died beforehand. His nephew was three, although in this tale he was better suited as a grown man. It was a well-written novel/script with great characters and bring the plot full circle.
Guide: Was there one F-word? Sex and Nudity.
Kill Craft (2024)
Take a bath
Thomas Delon (Michael Paré) is an assassin who works locally in a small city and never gets suspected or caught. He takes orders from an Italian crime boss named Freeman (Jake Jacobson ) through Teddy Poe (Bill Oberst Jr.) who is Norman Bates crazy. Teddy uses a simple code for Thomas and places it in a bottle buried in the sand along with cash inside a box. He was seen getting information by his daughter Marina (Sanae Loutsis). When daddy is killed, Marina takes over his business.
They went overboard attempting to create a character for Poe and pretty much-ignored everyone else. The acting was as bad as the script. There didn't seem to be a director.
Guide: F-word. Nudity (Theresa Allen)
Shadow Land (2024)
I saw someone
Robert Douglas Wainwright (Jon Voight) made a decision to bomb a plant in Estonia based on bad intelligence about Uranium enrichment. As a former President, he lives on a ranch called Shadow Land. He has nightmares about what happened. He calls upon Eliot (Marton Csokas), a psychologist about his dreams and paranoia about being watched. He has Secret Service protection. Eliot's ex-wife Rachel (Rhona Mitra) is a journalist who will be writing Wainwrtight's biography. She is of an opposite political ideology.
From the title, I expected a Deep State conspiracy film. That is not what this is. Voight plays a composite ex-conservative president. The problem with the film is that it was boring. There were a lot of talking scenes that went nowhere.
Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity.
Hit Man (2023)
All Pie is Good Pie
The film was inspired by the life of Gary Johnson. Gray (Glen Powell) is a teacher of philosophy and psychology at the University of New Orleans. He moonlights with the police department as an undercover hit man. Gary gets into the role and.uses disguises. Playing Ron Johnson, hit man he meets Madison. Master (Adria Arjona) who wants her abusive boyfriend dead. The hit things off very well and he talks her out of it to the bewilderment of the police department. The two later get together because she believes he is a hit man.
The film had the right amount of character build-up and humor to be a good watch.
Guide: F-word. Sex. No Nudity.
Pillow Party Massacre (2023)
I don't have a dare
The High School is having its April Fool's Day dance. Carter Fisher (Sebastian Bjorn) convinces his girlfriend Ashley (Savannah Raye Jones ) to make out in the boy's room stall. He leaves for protection and her gang of friends open the stall door to see her exposed ta-tas. Ashley was so upset that she murdered Carter. Two years later her group of friends decide to go off to a cabin on Burnt Ridge Lake. An alert is issued about an escapee from Rainer Spring Psychiatric Hospital. Could it be Ashly? Could it be Mass killer Bear Grylls?
The girls do have a pillow fight. If you have ever seen one of these you know who is the mystery killer 10 minutes into the film. (I was right.) The problem I had with the killer was their massive strength. The killer was a breather and walked around like the spoof killer in "Student Bodies." The film opens up by letting us know "Feely Fingers" did the music and managed to perform three complete songs. Sometimes bands make films to get their music exposed.
Guide: F-word. No sex. Nudity (Jax Kellington ).
Séance Games: Metaxu (2024)
Hotel California
Four vloggers in search of a cash prize and followers compete in a seance contest. They go to an abandoned hotel somewhere off the beaten road. Morgan (Madison Taylor) is the main Vlogger along with her friend Katrina (Olivia Deligan). Katrina is interested in contacting her college friend Julia (Farryl Christina Lawson) who died at a frat party. Tommy (Andrew James Ferguson) is known as "Power Man" and has a nerd friend Stephan (Bernard Timmons II). They meet Sally (Nisha Catron), the hotel manager who drops hints this place is similar to the "Hotel California." They conduct their app seance with real results.
This was a great plot fifty years ago. The script didn't make it. The real introduction of characters happens 40 minutes into the film. The Julia death back story was not well presented and the dialogue sucked.
Guide: F-word. Sex. No nudity.
Gold Raiders (2024)
Sierra Sisters
The production opens in 1847 when Bill Roach gives us the worst portrayal of Blackbeard. He is being questioned by a female Lt. Maynard (Michelle D. Chavez) because anachronisms typically go with bad acting. We shift to modern times with the Sierra sisters (Athena is the smart one) hunting Aztec gold for "The Society." They are fighting against "The Order" which has been around for centuries. Hera Sierra (Kathleen Swenson) touches the relic and is able to connect to a cosmic consciousness. Their next assignment to go after Blackbeard's gold with Hera using her special sixth sense.
This was a difficult film to watch. The plot and acting were extremely poor. Not worth the time.
Guide: No swearing, sex, or nudity.
Destroy All Neighbors (2024)
I'm Alive!
This is a comedy-horror cult-style film that misses the mark. William Brown (Jonah Ray) is a sound engineer who works at an independent recording studio. He likes Prog and has been working on an album for three years. He lives with Emily (Kiran Deol) in a run-down apartment building. When his neighbor (Pete Ploszek) moves out, Vlad (Alex Winter) moves in and creates noise all night long. The landlord (Randee Heller) doesn't care. Will confronts Vlad and through an inane series of actions, Vlad gets killed but keeps on talking. While attempting to dispose of the body, he kills Auggie (Christian Calloway) by mistake. The people he kills do not die but live on in his head, or for real.
It started out okay, but went downhill when the gags stopped working. Jonah Ray was a miscast. Directing and editing needed help.
Guide:F-word. No sex or nudity.
Dead Wrong (2024)
Just tell me about the Baby
The film opens with four subplots that come together rather quickly. Rollie Barns (Joshua Bitton) is first introduced. He is a killer and a criminal. Billy Evans (Derek Smith) is playing poker with his criminal friend Jacko (Chet Hanks). Jacko wants to bring Billy into his business through a "legitimate" pump-and-dump stock scheme. Ethan Barnes (Rob Schneider) is an adoption and legal paper attorney who drinks and gambles. He owes Rollie money. Jacob Glass (Blake Shields) is getting out of prison for manslaughter. He greets his wife (Rosalie Ward) who can't have children. They want to adopt, but he is an ex-felon and needs the help of a shady adoption lawyer. Billy has a get-rich-quick scheme that involves his wife's (Katrina Bowden) newborn child. Billy is also sleeping with his wife's promiscuous sister (Chelsea Debo).
There was enough going on to keep you involved in the plot. It was not twisty but had some curves.
Guide: F-word, sex, nudity ( Chelsea Debo)
The Vigilante (2023)
It looks normal
Jessica (Jet Jandreau) is coming home from Afghanistan after a young girl (Alexander Gulati) almost kills her with a suicide vest. Jessica has some nasty flashbacks, but nothing that really fits into the feature. Katie (Rachel Benezra) is driving Jessica's sister Aimee (Jamie M Timmons) to the airport to meet her when she is t-boned and taken by sex traffickers. Jessica with the help of her friend Dan (Eric Pierce) go after them in the ways the cops and Chris Hansen can't.
The film opens with the grim statistics about the sex trafficking industry instead of at the end of the feature. My guess is that they didn't want to step on the uplifting ending.
Guide: No swearing or nudity. Near sex.
Nikita (2010)
You can't save everyone
Division is a secret group of assassins run by Percy (Xander Berkeley) and Amanda (Melinda Clarke). They fake prisoner deaths and use them as recruits for assassins. Nikita (Maggie Q) was a cop killer who was supposedly executed. Given the assignment of killing Alex, a 13-year-old girl caused her to turn against her employer. She goes rogue and manages to sneak Alex (Lyndsy Fonseca) into Division as a mole.
The series evolves far from its first series. The story plots always have several twists as nothing goes as planned causing people to make quick decisions in the field. The series does kill off a few major players. Maggie Q excelled in this role. Her facial expressions manage to convey a range of emotions. Contrary to this is Shane West who had the same brooding face the entire series. Aaron Stanford was very likable in a support role as a computer hacker, nicknamed "Nerd." Unlike other series that I watched, I liked the last episode. There were a few episodes that didn't work, especially in the third season.
Back to Black (2024)
Leader of the Pack
This is a biopic of Amy Winehouse. She won 5 Grammies and I never heard of her until after she died at age 27. She was a Jewish girl from Camden, England who sang old-school style Jazz. She grew up on cigarettes and alcohol and started singing in local pubs. She loved bad boys and Blake (Jack O'Connell) a coke head was the love of her life, even while he was in jail. The bio claims she died of alcohol poisoning even though she had stopped drinking. The film was rather boring. It was tragic, but it downplayed the tragedy creating a non-dramatic tale.
Guide: F-word. Brief sex, brief partial nudity.
Poolman (2023)
What would Erin Do?
Darren Barrenman (Chris Pine) is a Poolman and proprietor of Awesome Aquatics. It takes place in Los Angeles sometime after the release of "Erin Brockovich" (2000). He lives in a small trailer in the Tahitian Tiki apartment block where he cares for their pool. Susan (Jennifer Jason Leigh) is his girlfriend. She wants to open a Pilates place in Palm Springs. Civically involved, Darren attends the city council meetings where he always speaks, mostly about bringing back trolley cars. He wants to do a documentary with Jack (Danny DeVito) who lives with Diane (Annette Bening). She is his therapist and they treat them like their own son.
They attempted to make the film quirky by giving Chris Pine a "Big Lebowski" type character, although he couldn't pull it off. The silly scenes look just that: silly. They were meant to be funny although the humor didn't land. The tree didn't work. The origami almost worked. The silly advice he constantly gets should have worked, but didn't. The trip on the scooter with the gold outfit failed.
Guide: F-word. Brief sex. No nudity.
The First Omen (2024)
It's all about you
In Star Wars Episode 6 Princess Leia claims she has memories of her mother. In Episode 6 Natalie Portman dies at childbirth. In the Omen, Damien's mother is a dog/Jackal. We see the skeleton when they dig her up. Ignore your lying eyes. Although they do work a jackal halfway into the film. Margaret (Nell Tiger Free) from West Pittsfield, Mass. (near Arkam, home of the Jackals)was a problem child. She is recommended to become a nun by Cardinal Lawrence (Bill Nighy) and will take her vows in Rome. The nuns work at an orphanage and a maternity wing. Carlita (Nicole Sorace) is a problem child who is dark. Maggie is taken clubbing by her housemate nun-to-be friend so she can know what she is missing before she takes her vows. Margaret blacked out during the night and the implication is that she had sex from the cryptic conversation.
We know that someone will give birth to Damien. The mystery is who is the mother. The ending was not what I expected. I don't know how it ties into the other films. They showed us a picture of Gregory Peck as the father so unless they pull out the AI, they can't redo things.
Guide: F-word. Brief implied sex. Brief nudity.