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ZillaFoot (2019)
1/10
Embarrassing To the Polonia Name
18 May 2024
Warning: Spoilers
The faaat apple has fallen far from the tree. I'm glad Ken Vansant didn't lower his standard to star in this movie. It's time for papa Polonia to cut off junior's allowance. I would disown my child if he made garbage like this. It was 80 minutes of incoherent dribble. The best parts were the commercials that Tubi makes you watch. It was much needed to stop my eyes and ears from bleeding. To make matters worst, Megan's law regular, Kirkendall shows up in the last act. I use the word act loosely since there isn't much in the movie. I think the value of my property will go down when people realize this movie was filmed in Tioga county. In short Mark Palonia is a legend but his soon is a twaat waffle.
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Arctic Void (2022)
5/10
Horrible ending, decent up til the last 5 minutes
1 July 2023
The movie had beautiful scenery and a creepy premise. Clearly low budget but decent acting. I enjoyed the beginning storyline but kept waiting for something big or scary to happen but it never does. Kind of lazy writing. This movie could have been good but I can't go higher than 5 stars since there was nothing great about it and the ending was one of the worst I've ever seen. Kind of has me thinking about a trip to Norway to see Polar bears and forget that I just wasted 90 minutes of my life. Wish a bigger director/actors/budget got a hold of this script because with some story editing it could have been awesome. Instead it's a 5/10. A failing grade.
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The Wall (II) (2017)
3/10
Started good but awful ending
17 April 2023
Terrible ending to an otherwise good film. Just completely unrealistic final scene. Aaron Taylor Johnson is a very understanding actor. John Cena was alright as well. Good plot with a lot of suspense but an ending that seemed like a b movie horror writer came up with. I don't understand why Prime and Netflix can't stick the landing on these movies. The movies are often good up until the last 10-15 minutes and the writers get lazy and write terrible endings. For that I can't recommend this film and can't go higher than a 3. With a strong ending I think you would see this have a high 7's IMDb score instead of the lousy 6.2 at the time of this review.
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Songbird (II) (2020)
7/10
Welcome to Fauci's America
16 April 2021
Decent film. Obviously the virus in this film is much different than real life. I mean it would have to be to make the film interesting. Pretty good look at what would happen if Biden/Fauci had their way.

Overall decent acting with some intense scenes. Not a bad waste of time. Think I'll go run some errands without a mask or vaccine.
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Splatter Beach (2007 Video)
10/10
Splatter Fun!
25 August 2020
Warning: Spoilers
This movie was off the Hizzy!!! Best Polonia movie I've seen by far. Let's start with the positives.

Erika Smith is a total babe with top notch acting skills. Not even Jack Sparrow ever found booty that sweet. The opening shower scene with Leslie Culton was also dope and while had nothing to do with the plot was a feast for the eyes.

Ken Van Sant and the guns were on point. He lives the life most of us dream about. Just doing bicep curls All day on the beach while making fun of everyone that interrupts his workout.

The real star of the film was Brice Kennedy as Rodney. He brought the 8 mile vibe that the movie desperately needed. His ability to bring street lingo and gansta style was off da chain! His performance felt so authentic to the point where I want to by West Virginia basketball season tickets.

There were other solid performances throughout out the films and a soundtrack that rocked my nuts off.

Now for the negatives the film..........

Looking for a good summer film to watch with your bae? Splatter Beach is where it's at and you won't regret it!
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The Vanishing (II) (2018)
8/10
See this movie instead of "The Lightbouse"
23 March 2020
Pleasantly surprised by this movie. Great acting and a solid plot. You know it's not going to be a feel good movie but not sure who will survive or how exactly it will end. I really enjoyed it. A week prior I watched The Lighthouse which was suppose to be so critically acclaimed but it sucked. Not sure how it has a higher rating than this film. Peter Mullan was phenomenal in this movie. Definitely worth a watch!
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The Ranch: What Was I Thinking (2020)
Season 4, Episode 17
1/10
Worst episode yet
2 February 2020
I like this show but the anti gun message in this episode was pointless. Had nothing to do with anything. Writers made a lame attempt to make there stance on guns known. I'll finish out the series but hopefully this is the end of the leftist propaganda.
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War Raiders (2018)
9/10
Make some noise for Noyes!
19 December 2019
This is the best WWII film I've seen since Saving Private Ryan and maybe even the best I've ever seen! The movie really has grit. Noyes Lawton (Sarge) really takes the reigns as the alpha dog in this film. The cigar scene and the German prison scene were both classic examples of that Eastwoodesque screen power.

A classic war movie with a man on a mission plot. The movie is historically accurate. Everything from the plot to the costumes to the firearms is right on the money. The editing of the films combat scenes is seemless and at times feels like what you are watching is an actual horrific war scene. I plan to make this a must watch every year on Memorial Day and Veterans Day. So if you want to watch Noyce (Lawton) make some noise on the Nazi's this is a must watch!

One more thing. No Kirkendall and no Carolous. Makes it even more of a must see!
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6/10
Noyes Lawton Shines Like a Super Nova
19 December 2019
This was a solid Polonia film with a superb script, excellent filming locations and cinematography and the usual lackluster talentless cast. Am I really supposed to believe that Jeff Kirkendall and James Carolous are scientists? Okay I'm not going to do my usual rant on those two (even though they've earned it). But Jamie Morgan? Really??? She is awful in everything she's ever been in!

Noyes Lawton was the star of this film. This was the first time I had seen him in a main role and he did not disappoint. He steals every scene he's in and makes up for his cast mates lack of talent. He has a screen presence reminiscent of the great Ken VanSant. Natalie Hallead (Himmelburger) was a pretty solid female lead who may be a future Polonia star. This was one of Titus Himmelburgers better performances but was still pretty bad.

Overall solid plot and highly entertaining.

I would ask Mr. Polonia to start holding casting calls for local raw talent for his future movies. There is a strong local fan base and I'm sure many fans would love to be in one of his films. I'd imagine they'd can't be worse then some of the people he's already casting. These films are border line gems but you can't find a shiny gem if it's being covered by turds like Kirkendall/Carolous/Morgan
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1/10
Very disappointing
10 December 2019
I'm a mega Polonia fan but this one was just lacking. No comic relief, no stars, no eye candy. The story was kind of weak but the entire cast was awful. Titus Himmelberger was on a Kirkendall/Carpenter level of bad. Thankfully Kirkendall and James Carolina were only in this one for a few minutes. I wouldn't recommend this one but am anxious to watch the next Polonia film in hopes it will help me forget about this one.
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6/10
Had promise but cast was lacking
3 December 2019
Warning: Spoilers
One of the bright spots of every Polonia film is the screen presence of Kenny Van Sant. He didn't have enough screen time and when he did he was sharing it with a science experiment gone wrong called a Kevin Coolidge. Mel Heflin should not be a leading lady. A better role for her would have been the mummy. This would have been a better movie if Danielle Donahue was the lead and if they got a decent looking chick to play the hooker. Overall it was entertaining and I was thrilled that Jeff Kirkendall was killed off in the opening scene. This was initially a 5/10 when I saw he was in it but once he was dispatched in the first few minutes it got a bonus point. So if you like a campy funny horror film with a lackluster leading lady I would highly recommend this one!
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Into the Dark: Pure (2019)
Season 1, Episode 12
1/10
Another dud
8 September 2019
These get worse and worse. I'm not sure why I watch them. Maybe it's boredom and I hold out hope that they will get better. They haven't. 12 episodes in and not one I would recommend. Take a pass on this one. Take a pass on all of them.
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Into the Dark: Culture Shock (2019)
Season 1, Episode 10
1/10
Another swing and a miss!
8 July 2019
Lame attempt at political commentary. Episode was pretty bad all around even without the politics. This series overall sucks. I've watched all but 2 of them thinking they will get better but they don't. This one is it the last for me. Almost as bad as treehouse. Almost.
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Black Summer (2019–2021)
9/10
Best Zombie/Apocalypse Show I've watched
14 April 2019
I was once a die hard fan of TWD. The first two seasons were really good and it has gone downhill ever since to the point I had to start watching it. This show was refreshing. The zombies were much more formidable much like 28 days later. The acting was great and not a lot of stupid cheesy dialogue. This is what the walking dead could have been. An R rated no apologies show that keeps you guessing every episode. This show is an intense. The only thing I didn't like was you never know what Son is saying. She does not speak English in the show and subtitles do not work. Although frustrating I think it makes some sense so the viewer has to try and understand much like the other characters. Overall a very interesting action packed show that is not afraid to kill off main characters. Looking forward to a potential season 2!
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7/10
Night of the Living Dead Meets Harry and the Hendersons
8 April 2019
This may be the best Polonia movie I've watched so far. It had a solid script and a great performance by Ken Vansant. He was born to play the role of Duke Larsen, the cool as hell tracker/hunter who doesn't give an F about anything but winning life and a getting a good old fashion fur burger. The zombie makeup was better than expected although the one zombie (the old fat bald guy) couldn't seem to keep his tongue in his mouth. Those were the good parts about the film. The bad parts...... how bout not putting the eye candy (D Donahue) in a lab coat the entire film? Especially when that lab coat could have been used to cover Jeff Kirkendall's talentless face. And why does Donahue always end up with some nerd? It just doesn't make sense. Especially when you have the ageless Ken Vansant showing off his guns the entire film.

Overall this was a solid watch with the best cinematography I've seen since The Revenant. If it's got Ken Vansant and Dani Donahue sign me up to sail on that ship any day.... even if the anchor (Jerkendall) is trying to drag it to the bottom of the ocean the entire time.
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HalloweeNight (2009 Video)
7/10
Hello Creepy Harold! Meet Scarecrow!
20 February 2019
This movie was awesome and will really rock your mind! Creepy Harold is a horror icon on par with the likes of Norman Bates, Freddie Krueger , Michael Myers, Jason Vorhees and The Camp Blood Killer Clown. The ageless Ken Vansant was perfect for the role of the 52 year old college student/babe magnet. Danielle Donahue was the star once again even though she wasn't the lead. The movie borders on a perfect 10 but the casting of Todd Carpenter is hard to get past. His performance is on par with any of Jeff Kirkendalls. If you don't know who Jeff Kirkendall is (and you shouldn't) he is the worst actor on the planet. Carpenter gives him a run for that title but falls just short. If you are a fan of Polonia movies that feature Danielle Donahue and Ken Vansant then you will enjoy this amazingly executed story of horror! Gather your friends, grab the popcorn and beer and settle in for a fun frightful night of laughs and gasps!
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6/10
Not a great Polonia movie
6 February 2019
Warning: Spoilers
This movie wasn't terrible but wasn't up to Polonia standards. To many scenes were drawn out with no payoff. The only highlight of the movie is that Jeff Kirkendall was killed off early so I didn't have to watch his garbage performance for long. He is the least talented of the Polonia agroup and I have no idea why they keep casting him while great actors like Scott Clemens are at home waiting for the casting call. Not a Polonia classic but enjoyable none the less (minus Kirkendall) so settle in and fast forward past the Kirkendall scenes and enjoy a nice horror flick with your significant other and be happy that your significant other doesn't have the last name Kirkendall.
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Muckman (2009 Video)
8/10
Creature feature at its best!
4 February 2019
Let me start by saying the bikini fight scene puts this movie a notch above others in the genre. Ken Vansant continues to show off his acting skills while sporting hair that the gods would envy. The plot was solid with some twists that will leave you gasping. Filmed at the beautiful pine creek gorge or Grand Canyon of Pennsylvania, the scenery adds to the great cinematography. These films need to get more recognition and start making there way into mainstream theaters. Ken Vansant could be the next household acting name amongst the greats like Daniel Day Lewis and Rob Schneider if these movies got the recognition they deserve!
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It Kills (2017)
8/10
Great campy horror flick
4 February 2019
This is one that will give you nightmares. The classic camp blood story line continues to haunt it's viewers. Every time I thought I had the killer figured out....... I was DEAD WRONG! The movie lacked eye candy. It could have used the talents of Danielle Donahue to give it that boost. Kirkendaal again was the weak link of the cast with his hack acting. Overall the special effects were good and some of the death scenes were haunting. I will never be able to eat linked sausages again. If you are looking for a good waste of time watch this movie.
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Jurassic Prey (2015)
9/10
Classic Polonia film making
4 February 2019
This movie was a pleasant surprise. Great directing and spot on acting. The performance by Steve Diasparra as the lead detective rivaled Dirty Harry. Danielle Donahue was flawless. The story is original. It's like reservoir dogs meets Jurassic Park. The plot was very realistic . The only plot hole was Kirkendalls wife being played by a young good looking woman. I mean come on the guy looks like a it'd sandwich reheated and run over twice. Overall good though. A must see!
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